Settle Down (Matt Espinosa)

Ch. 52

"you're gone and i gotta stay high all the time, to keep you off my mind"

MADISON'S POV

I should've known something was wrong when Lexi didn't show up for school.

I should've known something was wrong when she didn't answer my texts.

Or maybe I was just stupid, for thinking Gage would leave her alone.

Regardless of all the signs I failed to acknowledge, I did know something was wrong when I was pulled out of second period by the principal, being taken to the office where mom and Matt were waiting to pick me up with solemn looks on their faces.

I can still feel the way my heart began to race as I walked closer to them. Did I do something wrong? Was Matt being sent back to New York? Did dad finally decide to come back? Not once did I even think about Lexi as I racked my brain for reasons they'd be here.

But now she's all I can think about. Because she's not here, and it's my fault. 

I was supposed to help keep her safe from everything, but I was too absorbed in everything going on with Matt that it's safe to say I'm the reason everyone is gathered in the cemetary a week later, watching her casket lower into the ground.

Everyone around me was weeping. My mom on my right, had her arm draped across my shoulders, pulling me into her as she sobbed. Matt stood on the other side, his arm wrapped around my waist as the water pooled around his eyes, him refusing to blink and let the tears spill.

I was staring out in the distance, at a tree I'd become very familiar to. It was blocking Will's grave from here, but I was more interested in the two birds fluttering around the tree.

I snapped out of my daze as people began to leave. Some left straight away, some lingered around the grave, and others swarmed Lexi's mother and father with apologies and other meaningless comments.

I'm so sick of death. I'm sick of losing people. Will, Blake, Lexi. The casualties of this gang 'war' are too much to handle. But at the same time, this is happening in other places as well, it'll never stop. That's what gangs do, they fight. It's a never ending cycle of death, recruitments, and more death. 

Mom moved away from us to go talk to the Saunders, though Matt stayed put. I was the next one to move, releasing myself from his light grip. "I can't do this."

And so I started on the walk back home, not waiting for a ride with them.

She was only trying to help. If we hadn't waited or let her leave, she wouldn't never given that machete to them. If I had paid more attention to her and the danger she was in, I would've saw it coming and could've prevented it. But I was too caught up in myself.

When Gage stabbed Lexi's rib-cage from the back, it was my fault. Every groove and blade that went further and further past her skin was her paying the ultimate price for my carelessness. 

Will wouldn't have died if I didn't screw up at the party.  Maybe Blake wouldn't have died if I had found the machete sooner. And Lexi sure as hell wouldn't have died if I had done what I promised her I'd do to begin with, keep her safe from the gang.

I made it halfway home before I dropped to my knees on the sidewalk, and finally broke down. I cried harder than I did when Will died. Harder than when Blake died. Because I wasn't just mourning Lexi. I was mourning all of them and wondering when exactly my life went from having to figure out what shampoo was best for my hair to trying to keep this year's death count from rising higher than it already is.

I cried, and cried, and cried, until nothing came out and I laid on the concrete dry heaving.

Finally regaining my composure, I got back up on my feet and slowly walked the rest of the way home.

The TV was still on when I walked through the door, a local news reporter talking about Gage's arrest and life in prison for all uncovered gang violence, and of course Lex's murder.

Yeah, he's stuck in prison for the rest of his life. But what good is that? The gangs will still go on, so will his life. But what about everyone on the outside of those bars? The ones that have to deal with the ruins he left in his wake? The ones that can no longer walk down the hall to greet their loved ones, instead sit and pray in front of a slab of stone in the ground, praying to some God that their child can hear them.

Gage will rot in a prison, but I'm rotting inside my own body. My will to do anything is decreasing from inside out, daily. Every morning I wake up, a little piece dies when I come to face the fact that this isn't a dream, it's real life. Lexi won't come barreling into my room with the latest gossip or party information, nor will we ever fight about stupid things anymore. I'll never even see her face again.

I could barely get past losing Will, but Lexi was there with me. And she was grieving as much as me for the same reason. We both loved him in different ways. I didn't know it at the time, but she related to what I was going through as she was experiencing the loss just as hard as I was, and Lexi was what helped me through. 

Now she's gone and I don't know what to do.

I sighed to myself as I passed the living room, going up the stairs looking around the house for something sharp.

I just need to feel something more than emptiness.

I probably would've ended up cutting myself up, if I didn't find Matt's weed first. At least it's less harmful.

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A.N: i dont even know how to talk to u guys right now so im going to leave u with an apology and a box of tissues. enjoy and try not to rage quit this story because we're almost at the enddddd