Friends With Benefits (Complete)

A Knife In My Heart

1 Week Later

The last week has been hard. I keep thinking about Kayden. No matter what I do I think about him. Every time I look at Logan I see Kayden. I see what I have lost. It's breaking me in so many ways. Everything I have built was no crashing down. My anxiety came back, along with my depression. Logan has tried to help me but I keep pushing him away.

Yes, I want his help. I know pushing him away isn't probably helping. But for some reason, I feel like nobody can help me. Nobody knows how I feel. Yes, Logan was Kayden's father but he didn't carry Kayden around for 5 months and fall in love with him.

I thought to get my heart broken by Logan sucked but after losing Kayden, my heartbreak by Logan felt like a small paper cut to what losing Kayden felt like. Losing Kayden felt like being cut in half with no anesthetic and having all of my organs removed with it being as slow and painful as possible.

This past week Logan and I haven't gone to school. I don't want their pity. I don't want them to feel bad for me. But knowing my school I won't just get pity. A few seconds ago I mentioned I have anxiety, which also leads to me hating and my huge fear of being judged. It's one of the things I fear most in the world.

But going to school, I would rather have their pity above the judgment I will get from them. Especially the rude bitches that will come up to me and call me names even after losing my baby. But one thing I have noticed most about Logan over these last few days is that he isn't showing much emotion. And it's all my fault. Logan isn't grieving, and I am to blame.

I am being selfish by letting him take care of me and not helping him when the whole time he is taking care of me and making sure I am okay while I don't put the same thing back in return. Whenever I try to talk to him he shuts me down and asks if I am okay. I just want to be there for him the way he has been there for me.

"Are you ready?" asked a low voice. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a black dress that matched my black hair. "Yes," I said.

"Our parents are in their cars waiting for us," Logan said. I turned around and Logan was in a suit. Today was the day, the day Logan and I buried our baby boy. The person who meant the most in the world to me. 1 week ago my mother told me what had happened to her, and she has been very helpful these last few days. She has been comforting me when Logan wasn't able to.

When I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying. She was there. I was a complete bitch to her in the beginning but now my mother and Logan are the only people I can count on right now and I hope to never lose them.

I walked out of my closet and took Logan's hand in mine. Logan gave me a small smile which instantly calmed me. I didn't know what was going to happen. I've never lost somebody before. I've never been to a funeral. Yes, I've seen a funeral far away before or one on tv but never in person.

I don't know what will happen to me, I don't know if I will hold everything together and make it through or fall apart and start to cry. I know no matter what I will cry. I don't know anybody who wouldn't cry if they were burying their child. Even if their child was a horrible person. It is still your child. Your blood. Your family.

The ride to the funeral was slow, I felt like it would never end. My anxiety was once again creeping up on me. I felt like every second that passed I was slowly breaking even more.

Every few seconds I would look at my phone and see that the time hadn't even moved which would sadden me. But every time I saw that time move up even 1 minute I felt a bit better. I don't know how long it took to get to the cemetery.

But it felt like an etenrity. And Logan felt the same. The whole funeral was beautful yes. But incredily heartbraking. The worst thing was seeing that tiny little coffin.

I didn't even know they made them that small. As soon as we got out of the limo Logan and I walked to the grave which was holding the small coffin.

After that point, I don't remember much. just my crying and falling to the ground. I could see everything going on around me but couldn't hear a thing.

Logan held me the entire time. This funeral was the only time I actually saw him show emotion toward this whole thing. The funeral was like a knife in my heart.

Everybody soon left and it was just my parents, Logan's parents, Logan, and me. Soon enough my hearing came back. But I couldn't stop staring at the small coffin. Something inside of me changed. It was like a switch turned on. Now all I could think about was getting my baby back.

I needed him. I would do anything to get my baby back. I need him in my life. Even if it means I have to end my own.

Next Update: June 30th, 2019