Astraea

-12-

I wonder if depression ever ends. Is there a cure really ? Do you ever get better? I thought I was cured Luxane and I were good and then I had Xylo. My world was prefect.

Yes, there were ups and downs but it was perfect.

Luxane and I fought and now it's returned.

Has it returned or did it never leave?

Was I just ignorant in thinking that I was fixed I?

I ask again desparately for it really return or has it always been simmering beneath the surface waiting for a moment of weakness in me.

I feel like my depression is sinister, cunning and malevolent. It never expressed itself when Luxanes parents disrespected mine or when they kidnapped my baby or even during the mess from the condo attack. My depression was biding it's time collecting my pain, hurt and suffering, waiting for the ultimate heartbreak so that it could destroy me completely once and for all.

But i had Xylo my moon and my stars ... he ...Luxane had become an integral part of me in some a short time and I hadn't realized until it was too late. Until this stage.... It's been 2 months and he still calls daily and sees his daughter but not me because I refused to compromise. I can't help but wonder if he went back to her. Would it be going back if they never really parted. I mean they still worked together what if that was a ruse?

Pathetic. I sound so sad. I've become a shell  of the vibrancy I  once was and  i have become  comfortable. Is that okay? I'm a broken mess again... Once again broken by a man.

When will I learn? She didn't mind the killing and slave trade ... Maybe that's what he needed and wanted . All these thoughts were making my head hurt I popped some pain killers and went back to bed even though I had woken up half an hour ago.

"You had high functioning depression. Your foundation was him he was your crutch your source of reassurance and this rift that had formed between you two happened so suddenly that you did not have a chance to readjust yourself so you just fell. Without any help without anyone to save you", said my therapist.

My parents had finally had enough and forced me to see her. How reminiscent of my teen years.
"Fix me. Make me whole and be the person I was before him " I sniffled.
"I was good before him. Yeah my shit was a mess but I was functioning. I was better now I just feel dead inside."

She sighed deeply. "Astraea that's just it from what you told me, you weren't fine. You were in an abusive relationship. He took you from that toxicity but placed you in a semi toxic new situation. You haven't out right said it but I get the sense that Luxane is involved in some not so legal business ."
I flinched and felt as if my world was about to explode.

Had I betrayed Luxane by talking to this woman? I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for this. I thought to myself as the air in the room seemed to be evaporating. A blade ... I needed a blade. 5 strokes would be enough I just needed to breathe. I did the only thing I could think off. I dug my acrylic nails painfully into my palms trying to make the pain soothe me and reset my brain.

"Relax, I won't tell a soul. Besides what would I say? I think this hugely successful businessman is involved with something shady and my proof is from breaking privilege by giving up my notes from my patient. It won't heal you in any way and it won't make the world a better place in any way. If I were to guess I would say it's embezzlement and my hypothesis is not valid enough to risk your life." She said rubbing my back soothingly and offering me a glass of water. I just cried for the rest of the session, hiding the wounds that were the physical manifestation of the wounds on my heart. I could feel my body being shaken roughly by tiny hands when I woke up. "sowwwy", sniff sniff "Sylo sowwy". In a panic I got up and grabbed my baby. I hadn't realised how my apathy was affecting her. I had thought she was fine with my parents and Luxane that I had been neglecting her. "No precious. Mommy is sorry." I informed her rocking her little body as her sobs died down. I couldn't help the silent tears that slid down my face. "I love you so much my little star." I told her as shushed her and rocked her back and forth until she fell asleep. These emotions must have been weighing her down. She looked tired and I felt crestfallen.

My depression wasn't leaving any time soon and staying within its warm folds of melancholy was so tempting but not tempting enough to endanger my child like I had done. I had to do better. Each day is a chance to choose me, to choose life, to refuse to give up and to try and fight this monster that torments me. I have to fight that voice, the inner me who hates me and wants to see me dead. Nobody who doesn't have depression understands it's sadistic nature. If it wasn't for Xylo I honestly believe that I would have been dead by the end of the week. I was just tired of existing... Of breathing. The exercise of inhaling and exhaling was exhausting and the pain in my chest was crushing me and making it harder to hear my heartbeat. The only proof that displayed that I was still alive, I wanted it all to end but Xylo brought back from the ledge now I needed to fight for me.

I started jogging again and decorating. Once you start doing things that make you happy you can only go up. I had to make a decision about Luxane. He called everyday and told me he loves me and misses me and wants to talk things out. It had been four months and the man was still persistent. He called everyday without fail.

I hopped into the shower wondering what to do. Afterwards as I dried myself I looked at my reflection hard. Its time to pussy stunt I said to myself as I grabbed my phone and  made a call.

A/N: Out of curiosity how do some of you deal with your depression if you do have it if you don't mind me asking?

A bitch is back. I have found my love for this book again and will be updating consistently. I have already planned the next few chapters in my head so they will be longer thank you as always for the support🖤.