Night Changes

h o w i t s t a r t e d

𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐲
𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐬?

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Walking aimlessly through the street, I couldn't help but notice that the world seemed more peaceful at night. Everything somehow seemed to make sense.

The wind hitting your hair was like music and the stars shining above the sky seemed like your very own theater. I probably shouldn't have been out so late. But I couldn't care less. In fact, I couldn't care about anything.

At that moment, I just wanted to hand over the tiny bit of hope left inside my heart. I had nothing to lose or to gain. And I was to be blamed for it.

If I had held onto the smell of warm coffee on a sunday morning, things would've been different. If I had just let the sun guide me through the day until the moon would've been waiting for me in front of my door stops... things might would've worked out.

But that was life. Nothing here made sense. Everything that existed, was irrational. And somewhere between all this chaos and insanity, we humans took birth. It lies within.

I walked up the hill to my apartment and unlocked the tiny gate to the front stair cases. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to my front door. Once I was finally home, I let out a long sigh.

How was it possible to be this lonely when there were 8 billion people on this planet? I couldn't understand how not even one of them wanted me?

But as soon as I decided to end this misery, everyone decided to come up to me and try to convince me as if I was living in paradise. This was worse than hell. I couldn't bear it anymore.

I walked into my room and stumbled over the messy floor. The unfinished assignments I had attempted before leaving were still laying on the floor, and beside my notebook, there was a half full drink.

Grabbing the soda can, I threw it into the dustbin and fell back on my bed. My eyes were adamant on staring at that blank ceiling, in hope of it to turn into the wild galaxy.

No voices. All I could hear was my heart racing and the sound of my breaths. My chest was heavy and for a moment my head felt dizzy. I squeezed my eyes shut and once the pain dissolved, I slowly opened them again.

“You really want to die? Okay. I'll give you 10 days to rethink your decision. If nothing changes, I'll see you standing right here at the exact same time with the very same purpose as today”

I had successfully wasted the first two days and I felt no remorse. I had given up on everything and maybe this was my fault, but there was nobody to mourn with over the mistake.

I closed my eyes and drifted into deep slumber. In hope of those ten days to pass as quickly as possible. I wanted a less painful death, after a very painful life. I wanted to take my last breath and get it over with.

If I had just succeeded that day when I cut my wrist. I had no idea who saved me and how, but all I knew was that I wasn't grateful to them.

Even in my sleep, I couldn't help but tremble. Life was unfair to people like me. A monster lurking beneath our beds, waiting to devour us. We had to think twice before taking a step.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, I walked into the kitchen, to get myself some water. That's when my frying pan fell down and I turned around, only to be met by two, tiny green eyes.

“Cleo?”, I whispered and kneed down to her size. My hands wandered to her head and I started patting it.

Cleo looked at me and purred. I just chuckled at her reaction. I walked over and filled her drinking pot. She walked over to me and started brushing against my leg.

I picked her up and we were in my room again. The next two hours just passed by me playing with Cleo. Sometimes I feel bad, because I almost forget she exists. I'm not a good caretaker.

Somehow around 4am, I fell asleep with Cleo in my bed. Maybe I was awake? And my mind was playing some wicked tricks on me again. My body heated up and I tried to take deep breaths, but nothing was helping.

I clenched the bedsheet beneath me and tried to open my eyes, but it felt like someone had sealed them off. I felt my stomach churn and finally after what felt like forever, I jumped up straight.

I looked around, but there was nobody. My hands wandered into my hair and I turned my head to find Cleo sleeping peacefully by my side. At least I had her!

“What if you don't want to return, Shivaay? I could let you go today...but I don't want to. You have never lived. And I want you to fear death”

His voice kept ringing in my ears. Angel? No, they didn't exist. It was simply a hallucination while I was fighting to end this war with myself. People see a lot of things when they're unconscious, away from the world.

My eyes wandered to my wrist and I stared at the bandage around it. The cut still hurt and hadn't really healed yet. Well, it was only four days ago. I had no idea how they let me go, but I was relieved not to be sent to a counselor.

“Cleo, it looks like we'll have to wait”, I muttered and got out of my bed. I walked out of my room and stepped into the terrace. On my way there, I picked up the packet full of cigarettes.

Once I was out there, I lit one. The night still seemed young. The moon shining and from out here, I could see the whole city. It seemed like stars had fallen and settled down on earth. Truly magnificent.

...but not enough to keep me alive.
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Thank you so much for giving my book a chance!
Previously also known as “The Boy I Like”

Amna xx