Night Changes

day 9

𝐢𝐟 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲, 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞

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I sat there on my terrace looking at the bright sky, replaying each and every moment we spent together. After that kiss, Anika decided to run away. I tried to go after her, but everything seemed like a mess. My mind just couldn't comprehend what was going on with us.

I tried calling her countless times after that, but she never picked up. I didn't know her address or any of her friends. Above all, I had not much time left. It was something I could've done the next day.

My time was very limited. And even though she could feel the tension in the air, Anika had no idea that the past few days I spent with her... were all I had.

I needed to tell her a lot of things before leaving. I didn't want to see her cry. I wanted her to be happy. I just had to see her one last time and let her know that whatever I feel...I feel it for her.

When another six hours passed, I decided to go look for her. It was still dawn. I ran through the whole town looking for her. From the bakery to the library. Anika was nowhere to be found.

After another two hours of looking around and trying to keep myself from falling apart, I finally reached the park nearby my place. I sat down on a bench and took a deep breath.

I opened my eyes and suddenly they caught onto someone. I blinked once again, in case I had started hallucinating. But there she was, hiding behind the swing, curled into a ball.

I slowly walked over to her and kneed down. Her head was resting against the pole of the swing. Anika had my jacket around her. I tried not to lose my mind and picked her up, before walking up the hill to my place.

On my way there, she opened her eyes for a split second, but soon closed them again. I guess spending the night outside had caused her body a lot of exhaustion. When we were finally back at my apartment, I put Anika in my bed and decided to make her some tea.

I entered the room, only to find her staring at my pictures. I didn't have a lot of them. She turned to look at me and I placed the mug filled with tea on the bedside table.

“You're awake?”, I asked her and she nodded. All this time I was planning on scolding her, but as soon as I saw her face, all the anger vanished.

I sat down beside her and she looked at me with her big eyes filled with curiosity. I shook my head in disbelief. She scared me. The innocence in her eyes, I feared it. I was terrified of what the world would do to her once I'd leave.

“Why did you run away?”, I asked her and she looked down in shame. Anika started fiddling with her hand, but stopped when I placed mine on hers.

“I was scared”, she said and looked me in the eye. I stared at her surprised. I mean, I was pretty shocked, but there was nothing to be afraid of.

“Silly”, I mumbled and she glared at me. I grabbed the mug and handed it to her. Anika took a sip from the tea and a smile covered her face.

I leaned my head against the bedhead and turned my head to her, she was drinking her tea. We still had so much to learn about each other. I still wanted to do so many things with her.

It was truly a shame how late I realized that my life had a meaning. And now that I had found it, I had to leave. Anika turned her head to me.

“You never told me why you dropped out of school”, she whispered, by the way she was speaking, it was obvious she didn't want to offend me.

“I just didn't want to, anymore”, I told her and looked away. I spent most of my life searching for people who'd give me a sense of appreciation. I never really found them. I had been lonely.

“I got tired of everything and that's the only good enough reason I can give you”, I told her and she looked at me. Anika intertwined her pinky finger with mine and rested her head on my shoulder.

“Will you be able to let me go when the time comes?”, I asked her, but she didn't answer. In fact she kept shaking her head. I sighed hopelessly.

“It will hurt if you hold on to me like that”, I told her and she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

“I don't want to let go of you”, she mumbled and I pushed away the hair covering her face. Anika looked at me with so much pain in her eyes.

“I'm not the one, Anika”, I told her and wiped away the tear almost escaping her eyes. She didn't look at me afterwards.

“How would you know that?”, she asked me and I suddenly had no answer to that.

“I tried to kill myself just a week ago”

None of us said anything after that. I didn't know what to say and she kept hesitating. We just sat there, thinking and thinking.

“Ten days are not enough to change life long agonizing memories”, I whispered and suddenly she moved away. It was true. As much as Anika made me want to be alive, my mind resisted.

“I can't make you suffer with me. Each time I'll try to end it a piece of your heart will die with me. I won't be the only going through this hell and I don't want to pull you down with me”

I clenched my fist. I couldn't ruin her chances at happiness. I had to step down. I wasn't meant to die that day, but she saved me.

But how long can she keep me alive?
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Amna xx