Catch Me

Chapter 8

I made out with a girl.

Fuck. I nearly had sex with a girl in the bathroom of a club right after breaking up with my boyfriend. 

And I enjoyed it. 

Fuck. My heart is racing, I can't breath and start to panic. I'm feeling hot and cold at the same time and can't move. My whole body is shaking. I can't controll anything anymore. Don't hear anything. Black spots are dancing around in front of my eyes and I am shaking from the inside.
"I'm having a panic attack", shoots into my head. My hands begin to feel numb. I feel dizzy and like I am going to pass out. I force myself to concentrate to breath. In and out. In and out.
"It's okay. You are okay, Olivia. You are good. Everything is going to be okay. Just breath. In and out. In and out", I tell myself in my head.
After some time the black spots in my vision dissapear and I can shakily move again. I feel like I just ran a Marathon. Sweat covers my body and my clothes feel damp. Without thinking, I go back into the bathroom and right into the shower. I don't bother that I'm still wearing clothes. The hot water hits me and I can feel how my muscels releax because of it after a while.
For minutes, I simply stay there, letting the water run over my face and body. Then I remove my clothes throw them into the sink and wash my hair. Slowly I massage the shampoo into my skalp. My thoughs are so fast that I can't even catch them. But one of them is evidently. 

I like girls.

Letting the water wash out the shampoo out of my hair, I take another bottle of shampoo and begin to wash my body.

I like girls.

Taking the conditioner and putting it into my hair.

I like girls.

Stepping out of the shower and wrapping myself in a big towel.

I like girls. Combing my hair and putting it up in a towel.

I like Girls. With my hand I wipe the fog off the  mirrow.

I like girls.

I look into blue eyes, staring right back at me.

"I like girls."

Still wrapped in my towel, I slowly move to my room. Sit on my bed and think. About this girl I seem to not be able to take my mind of, even when my sister is in the hospital fighting for her life. I feel guilty but just can't forget these eyes. I clearly remember how her skin felt and how she was able to make me feel. Only thinking about her makes me blushing. And smiling like an idiot. I look for my phone but can't find it anywhere, so I get up and take out another neatly foldet shirt and jeans out of my dresser. Before I put them on, I get to the bathroom again with a pair of fresh underwear, to hang up my wet clothes. I change the towel into underware and get back to my room. I get dressed, brush my still wet hair only to let it fall over my back. It is going to dry soon.

I pick up Isabella's bag out of her room and go down the stairs to the kitchen. My phone lays on the counter and after I made myself a bowl of cereal, I haven't eaten in like forever, I pick it up, ignore all the incoming messages and open up google. I hesitate but then I tipe my queston in and press search. Suggestions immediatly come up and after some scrolling, I klick one of them. Some kind of a blog appears and I begin reading the first sentences.
Hello  and welcome to my blog. If you find your way to my block, I am pretty sure you are confused about your sexuality or are questioning it. So let me tell you one thing first: If you are searching up things like "Am I gay", "Am I a lesbian", "Do I like girls being a girl myself?" or "What to do if I'm a boy and like boys?", you are queer for a very high percentage. But don't worry, I'm here to clear things up for you. On the next pages, you can find information about the different genders and sexualitys. At first it appears to be complicated but again- don't worry. Because however you feel about yourself or about someone else, the most important thing is LOVE. Love yourself, no matter of your gender and the gender of the person you like. So remember: LOVE IS LOVE.

For the next 30 minutes I click myself from article to aricle on the block and when I turn off my phone my head is full of new information and terms, I have never heard about before. I don't really know more about my feelings now, but at least I know now, that I am not the only one going through something like this. And somehow it calms me down a little. But my head is still a mess. So when I begin to prepare some sandwiches for my parents and me, I turn on the music so loud I can't hear my own thoughts anymore. I don't care that it's Sunday and only about eight o' clock and the loud music could wake up the neighbours.
When I'm finished, I pack another bag with some fresh clothes, toothbrushes and a phone charger for my parents. On top of it I put the sandwitches and waterbottles and leave house through the door, that leads into our garage. The bags land on the backseat and I land in front of the steering wheel. I don't turn on the car, just sit there. I haven't slept, my head is a mess and my heart is driving me crazy. And all I can think about is this make out session with a misterious girl, that I'm hardly gonna see again. I sight and press the button on my key chain so the door of the garage opens automaticly and I am able to drive out.

Arriving at the hospital, I stop at the cafeteria to get three cups of coffee. Balancing them on my left hand and carrying the bags with my right one, I make my way to Isabellas room. When I arrive at the corridor, where room number 397 is, I can alredy see my father, who is talking to two cops. He looks really whacked. His face needs to be shaved and big shadows can be seen under his eyes. I walk up to him.

"Dad?"
"Liv", he sounds relived and hugs me carefully, notecing the coffee.
"These are Officer Holten and Kraft. They are here to find out, who tried to", his voice breaks.

"We are here to find out, who drugged and tried to rape your sister", the older one of them says with a stoic expression. I look at the other one, who smiles apologetically. "Your father already told us what he knows but I'm sure you can help us too. Do you know the guy, who molested Isabella?"
"No. I wasn't with her when she met him. She also didn't tell me his name or how he looked, only that he was cute and made her complimentes. She called me after waking up on the toilett, she was able to get to. And I found her behind the club sitting on the ground." My heart dropps, remembering how lost and helplessly my sister appeared when I found her.
"But I know, that he was a friend of Adam. He should know, who he is." Suddenly I feel better. They are gonna find him and he is going to pay for what he did.

"Adam?", Dad barges in.
"Wasn't it his party you went to? Oh, he is going to pay for it too. How can he invite such a bastard if my daughters are there too?!" He is exasperated and looks like he is going to find Adam on his own to take care of him.
"Dad. Dad!" I try to calm him down.
"The police is going to take care of it right?", I look at them and they nod their heads.
"Isabella needs you now, so you can't waste your energy on the investigation. Let the police do their job, Dad", I beg. With the words I'm not only trying to convince my father but also myself. If I could I would kill this bastard but I know that the police is going to take care of it. The energy Dad had a few seconds ago, seems to escape his body like the air of a ballon with a hole in it. He just looks tiered now.

"Dad, why don't you take the coffee and go to Isabella and Mom? I will be there in a second?" He looks at me with sad eyes and does what I asked him to to. When the door closes behind him, I turn to the officers.
"His name is Adam Huff. He is a good guy and surely didn't know about anythig his friend was about to do."
"Okay Olivia. We will keep that in mind. Anything else that could be important?" I think, but I can't think of anything else.
"If you remember anything, don't hesitate to call us okay?" The younger officer, Officer Kraft as I can reed on the name tag on his uniform, gives me a small card. I simply nod and they turn around and walk down the corridor.

"Officers!", I call and run up to them.
"Please don't tell Adam what happend to Isabella in detail. He doesn't have to know what happend to her."
"We will try and keep it discret", Officer Kraft promises me. I thank them and make my way back to room 397 to see my sister.