Cholo

(20) Veinte

In a very hectic state, clothes were stuffed into a bag with random objects dropped in. After yesterdays events, I decided that it would be safer for me to leave Freeridge. Being away from this place would provide my mind with tranquility and I would be able to make a tremendous decision. I have to think clearer about whether or not I should keep the baby or have an abortion.

Have you ever felt the need to escape? This urgency to leave; to take a break and breathe. But you end up alone in a segregated room, crying or laying there motionless? If you haven't, then you should thank god, or whatever universal being you believe in, for you never reached rockbottom. You're lucky. Lucky enough that you read my story as a form of entertainment while I have to bare my burdens. I have to suffocate under the pressures of life. If the fate sisters were true, they would cackling with glee at my despair.

The sudden touch of another human flesh jolted me to reality. I shifted uncomfortably away from the passenger next to me, closer to window. I watched as the old man with greasy hair and wrinkled face snorted in his sleep. His head was drooping onto my side. I pressed myself onto the window of the bus, wishing that my life wasn't a constant roller coast ride.

I watched as the world surrounding the bus was a blur of colors. If I pressed my palm onto the wind, I could feel the California heat; a welcoming sensation of belonging. I pressed my lips into a thin line. Lightly, I brushed my stomach in deep thought as I gazed outside. How can I decide whether to have this baby or to abort it?  How can a person that runaways from her problems decide on such matter? What if it becomes too much of a task, would I leave my baby?

I cranked up the volume of my phone, trying to drown out the voice in my head screaming: 'coward'. The feeling of being a failure crawled into my mind.I left Cesar when he needed a home. I left him when Monse left. I left him when Oscar stepped back into my life. I abandoned Cesar when he needed me the most.

-    C     H     O     L     O    -

Meanwhile, Monse's father and Ruby's parents sat at the Martinez's dinning table. Negotiating Cesar's living situations. Geny, Ruby's mother, refused to have Cesar stay at their household. Her eyes darted between both men in bewilderment. "No. I can't do it."

Her husband reached for her hand from across the table. His thumb gently caressed her knuckles: "Geny, imagine if it was Mario. Or Ruby. Imagine."

"If only Maria was here." She sighed.

Cesar felt like a refugee being hassled from one camp to another, and for the time being, he was adopted into the Martinez's camp. A place, that only accepted him out of pity - a charity case. He stared at his phone, fingers hovering over Maria's number but with a shake of his head and a shrug, he clicked the phone shut. 

She would be safer away from him.

- C H O L O -

I felt my spine crack as I stood up from my seat, grabbing my bag I pulled it downwards. Dragging it towards the steps of the bus. It was a nostalgic feeling. The speakers yelling out state names and city on the intercom. The bustle of people, hurrying towards the departing buses, or to the awaiting cars. I shifted from one feet to the other as I stood in the midst of hectic crowd. If I was in a movie, a drone would zoom out from me to the high skies of San Francisco. You would get to see the wobbly streets and the colorful houses. Maybe even hear the Full House intro song playing.