To Get Her

Once Again

Sandara's POV

***

As soon as we reached the carpark, I walked off to the direction where Jiyong have discreetly parked his car and noticed that his expression had considerably worsened. He didn't exactly look angry, he looked sad and I knew it has something to do with me. When he saw me approaching, he quickly replaced it with a smile and I tried to do the same thing.

"You really don't have to drive me home you know..." I told him softly cautious of his reaction.

"I thought you would be too tired to drive since you don't want to be driven by the van anymore"he explained "plus I need some distraction."

I looked at him for the first time and realized that he do look distracted. Since the incident at the lobby, I have not seen any reaction from him not even when Jaejoong was trying to look sweet in front of him.

Looking back, I was hurt. It looks to me like he doesn't care at all if I am dating someone else. If I'll be honest with myself, I was expecting to see a jealous Jiyong.

"What's going in Ji?" was all I asked but I knew that his answer will matter a lot to me. After that dating scandal with Jaejoong , he avoided me completely. He have avoided the entire world, locking himself in his pad. I'm berating myself for toying with the feelings of two great men who can have any woman they want. I hated myself for what I was doing and it had taken a lot of time to come to terms with my feelings.

He sighed and pushed back his seat and covered his eyes. I realized he was trying to calm himself, probably trying to organise his thoughts before telling me.

"What did Sajangnim told you?" I asked him again calmly while watching his face for a reaction. Jiyong muttered something under his breath and I narrowed my eyes on him. "Can't you even tell me what is going on?" I asked bitterly, crossing my hands on my chest.

Jiyong suddenly straightened his seat and closed the distance between us. He placed his finger under my chin, tilting my head so that I was now looking at him.

"I can't take this anymore Dee, I really can't take this double life we're living but ...I won't forgive myself if you get hurt again." Jiyong struggled to get the words out and I realized it must be hard for him talking about his feelings to me.

The look he gave me after he said that was so full of love that I almost couldn't handle it. I was scared of the emotions he invoke within me. I suddenly felt restless.

I released the seat belt and pushed myself forward and rested my head on his chest, his arms went around me, hugging me close to him.

"I don't understand Ji... please "  was all I said. I don't even know what I'm asking to him.

"These past few days, I've been fighting with myself... I know that letting you go is the best thing to do. I tried so hard Dee... because I don't want to see you get hurt because of me".

I looked up surprised. Is this why he was avoiding me?

"Will you... hurt me again?" I asked him softly not sure if he heard it.

"I'd rather hurt myself than seeing you hurting" was all he said. "Does this make sense to you? He whispered and kissed the top of my head.

I nodded, trying to understand what we both feel at this moment and understood all the unsaid words between us.

"Are you still going to out with him then?" He asked again after a while, trying to sound unaffected but failing miserably.

"Actually, I told him I'm busy and have no time to date" I felt him smile as I said those words and I felt so relieved after telling Jiyong.

We just sat there together, enjoying each other's company. He started playing with my hair and I was content in listening to his heartbeat. I'd missed him so much.

"Jaejoong is really a wonderful guy and he have been so good to me and he even..." I stopped talking when I realized what I have just said.

Jiyong tensed as he heard Jaejoong's name and held me just a little bit tighter to him as if he's afraid I'd vanish if he let go.

"Mianhe, I guess I shouldn't have said that" I tried to make things less awkward and Jiyong gave a weak laugh which sounded so unlike him. I slapped my forehead, where was the filter in my mouth when I needed it??

"I don't expect you to avoid all your fanboys you know. I know you will need to interact with them from time to time. If you need to...I'm fine with that." He smiled at me and I felt my heart drop again for the nth time.

"Daebak, who are you and what have you done to Kwon Jiyong?!" I laughed as I watched his reaction to what I have just said.

"You don't believe me?" he asked and pretended to be offended. I pretended to think over his answer, placing my hand on my chin.

"I think your idea of being fine is killing all my fanboys with your deadly stare" I said seriously and his eyebrows shot up when I said that.

Before I knew what happened, he pushed down my seat and began tickling me, damn it I shouldn't have said that. He knew I was very ticklish.

"What did you say?" he asked between my laughs as I wreathed underneath him. I was laughing so hard that the tears were coming out of my eyes.

"Say it again?" he teased. Urgh! He really need to stop. "I said you're way better than all my fanboys!" I yelled and after taking his sweet time he pushed himself up as I took a minute to catch my breath.

"Hmmm, that sounds better" he said with that gummy grin I so love about him. I love seeing him like this, no worries, no stress. Just the regular guy goofing around with me.

"Have you thought about telling him about us?" he asked sounding nervous for the first time. It seemed like he wanted to say more but he was holding it in. He gripped the steering wheel and had his eyes fixed on the road.

I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at his profile noticing how his jaw clenched which usually happened when he is jealous or thinking really hard about something.

"Tell him about what?"

"About us, don't you think it would make things easier? I don't want you to lead him on"

I didn't answer immediately. I just stared out of the car window and let his words wash over me. To be honest, Jaejoong deserve the truth.

"What are we really Ji? Are we together? Are we friends?" What shall I tell him?" I stopped myself once again before I say something worst.

"Tell him you're mine" he said softly. Shocked, I wanted him to say it again. "The sooner you tell him the faster he'll get over the idea of you and him being together. I'm not sure how long I can keep this up Dee"

Again, the guilt washed over me. He was doing this for me and I knew it made him unhappy. What was I doing? I thought my actions will protect Ji but it only ended up making everyone I care about unhappy, this wasn't working out.

"Just give me a little more time, Ji" I took a deep breath before saying what I said next "...then I'll tell the world about us."

We drove home in peace after that. I enjoyed being with him like this and the car ride always give us opportunity to be together minus any worries around us.