"Friends? We're friends?" The idea of friendship baffled him. It can't be very foreign to him, can it?
"I don't see why not. Come we need to actually get some work done." We walked back to my room, and Alec was still carrying Chairman. The incident when he fell into my arms was completely ignored. Maybe it's for the best. I'm going to try to go slow with Alec. I just got him to actually talk to me, and I don't want to lose that.
When we got back to work, Alec sat next to me on the bed. Our shoulders barely brushing as we talked about our project. "You know what I find funny," I said.
"What?"
"You have that lip piercing and look all bad, but in reality you're just a teenager who likes bands and cats."
"Consider yourself lucky. I'm not really a people person."
"Really? I haven't noticed. I just thought you rolled you eyes simply for the heck of it." He laughed and licked the black lip ring.
"You should know, I only got the piercing to piss off my parents. I was going to dye my hair, but I thought that would've been too much."
"I'm glad you didn't. I like your hair as it is. Even though you really need to do something with it." I took a strand between my fingers for emphasis. His entire face turned red.
"Thanks. I don't get a lot of compliments."
"I'm surprised. You deserve more. You're nice, handsome, and you're pretty smart." His grades are pretty high.
"Yeah, we need to get back to work." We went back to work and we got pretty far. I'm trying to figure out the center of gravity of an egg, then next thing you know I'm kissing Alec Lightwood. He initiated the kiss which surprised me. I kissed him back anyway. His lip ring cool against my lips. If anything it made the experience better. He was clearly inexperienced, but he put everything into the kiss. His hands were fisted in my shirt, pulling me even closer. My hands found his soft hair, tangling themselves in it. A sigh left his lips between kisses. My mind was in rambles. Nothing made sense except Alec.
After what felt lie hours of just kissing him, he pulled back. His lips were red and swollen; blue eyes were darker with passion; and his hair was messy. He looked uncertain about something and looked at his hands. I reached out to touch his cheek, but he flinched away. "I'm sorry. I'm going home now." He got his things and dashed out of my room.
"Alec! What's wrong?" I caught his arm.
"You don't understand. You'll never understand." He twisted his arm out of my grip and left my house. From my window I could see him driving off in his car.
Good job, Bane. But, I'm not sure what caused him to run off like that. I'll have to ask him tomorrow. At the moment, I was wondering what that was about and worrying about him.
~o~
I didn't want to ask Alec until we got to class. If I asked him before, I'd feel like I'm bothering him. That was the last thing I wanted to do. He was so nice, then he just left. I need to know why.
When I got to class I was surprised to not see Alec there. He's usually the first one to arrive. He didn't stay home from school, I know because I saw him in the hallway earlier. Just that small glimpse made my heart race. He had his head down, his onyx locks shielding him from me. He looked even more depressed and angry at the world than usual. Oh Alec. I wished I knew what was happening in his life, and I could help him. But I can't.
Alec came rushing into class the second before the bell rung. He quickly took his seat next to me, scowling. After Miss Lopez explained that we were going to be working on our projects we got to work. "Alec. What's wrong? What happened." I reached out to put my hand on his shoulder, but he flinched away like my touch was acid.
"That night didn't happen. I'm back to not talking to you. I'm just here so I don't fail this class. Got it?"
"Alec-"
"Not another word, Magnus. That was all a mistake and you know it. End of story. It's done, now let's work." My heart broke. The sweet, shy guy from that night was back to the bitter, angry guy I knew before. A shaky breath left my lips.
"Alright," I said because I had no other option.
That's how it was with Alec for the next week. He ignored me, and I accepted it. Not really, though. It still hurt when there was no glint in his eyes. He seemed even worse than before, and I can't help but feel responsible. Somehow, that kiss triggered something in him. If I had just pulled back, told him not, told him that was too fast. Then maybe this whole ordeal would've been avoided. We could've still talked, maybe take things slow, maybe grow to a real relationship. We could be able to talk and kiss without Alec having to shut me out. It hurt to know what could've been, and would've been if I just did one thing differently. Just one stupid thing. Nice going, Magnus. You were once again too distracted by a cute boy to make any logical decisions or think about how he must be feeling. I was selfish and stupid, and I wish I had Alec back.
The school day seemed even worse now. The only conversation I had with him was about our project. Why am I so worked up over him? I should be moving on, we didn't even have a relationship, but for some reason I can't. No matter how much I told myself it didn't matter. He didn't matter, but in my heart he did. He just did. I hit my fist on my locker in frustration. Stupid Alec Lightwood with his black hair and blue eyes, his stupidly irresistible black lip ring. And his stupid My Chemical Romance shirts that showcase those God given arms. It was the end of the day, so no one was around to see my anger. When I opened my locker a piece of paper fell to my feet. I picked it up and read it. It was a poem written in green ink.
I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.
Can you feel my heart?
Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel... can you feel my heart?
At the bottom in scratchy writing said Alec. Alec. "That's why I've been avoiding you," a voice said. I turned my head to see who it was. Alec leaned against the wall, his hair tucked behind his ear. "I was scared. I let myself get close and it scared me. Everyone else I've gotten close to has left me. My parents, best friend, everyone. I was alone for years. It was just me and my sister for so long, then you came into my life. God, how I wanted to hate you. How I wanted to ignore you and keep you out of my life. That didn't work out, did it? I thought you'd leave me like everyone else, but I saw you. How distressed you were, then I thought maybe you wouldn't leave me. Maybe you were different. It was like I was at the edge of a cliff, then you pulled me back. So I wrote that and came to you. Listen, I'll give you a shot, but please. Please don't leave me. I get it if you don't like me anymore one day, but please just don't pack up and leave." He was pleading with me. Pleading that I'd be with him. It made me furious that all those people left Alec. Not only did they leave him physically, but they left him like this. Not wanting to trust anyone. Keeping everyone out in hopes that he won't get close and they won't leave him. His eyes were blotchy and watery.
"Oh Alec." I cupped his face and brought him in for a kiss. I hoped that my kiss would make up for all that time he was alone. All the kisses he never got. All the kisses he deserved. I hoped that I could make up for the time. I'll make sure I do. I briefly pulled away to say one word. "Never."
Original title: Day: quien sabe guey.
Shout out to my Spanish speakers who understood that.
That poem is not mine, they were song lyrics from Being Me The Horizon "Can you feel my heart." Not mine. I hoped you guys like this, on to the next one :).
