So my friends and I went to go see mockingjay today. We're not okay. At all.
"Why won't you tell me! All I want is a simple answer!" My face grew red with anger.
"Does it even matter? Why do you care so much about my relationships all of a sudden? We've been roommates for how long? You've never given a shit about it, so why now?"
"Because you're my friend and I'm tired of you bringing random strangers here, then kicking them out in the morning. It's not normal!" It really isn't. Almost everyday it's a new person.
"Then what's normal, Alec! I'm sorry I wasn't born and raised in your perfectly American family." I knew the situation about his family, but it doesn't matter. My anger over this clouded any other reason. Why am I angry? Maybe because he won't tell me why.
"Learn to hold a relationship for once! Actually talk to the people you bring home. Maybe you'd find someone." Me, I internally screamed.
"I don't want to find anyone! I'm perfectly happy the way I am, and it doesn't matter. Live your own life and not mine. What about you? You won't admit that you're gay even though your siblings and I know already."
"You know it's not as easy as that, Magnus! You know how my parents are! You never had parents to come out to!" Just as I said it I knew I shouldn't have. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He stalked over to me with cat-like grace. His fists clenched and grinding his teeth.
"You know what, Alec. I may not have parents, but I know that you're acting immature over something so stupid. If I can keep a relationship or not is none of your business, and I can do what ever the fuck I want. I'm an adult and I only live with you because I need someone to help me pay rent. That's all. You're not going to change my life choices just because you don't agree with them. That's why it's my life."
"I know it your life, I know it's your choices, but I'm just trying to help. That's all."
"I'm not crazy for just having sex. Stop making me feel like there's something wrong with me. I already know what's wrong with me, and I don't need you to add to that list." What is he talking about? He's never told me anything.
"There's nothing wrong with you-"
He slammed his fists on the table, "Then tell me why you're bothering me so much about 'not being able to hold a relationship' if there's nothing wrong with me! Make up your fucking mind already! It's pissing me off!"
"I can't make up my mind because I'm as confused as you!" My anger blinded me. Everything was a burning red color. Everything just slipped out of my mouth without me even knowing.
"What are you confused about! Your life is perfect! A Mom, a Dad, and siblings who love you! I have nothing!"
"You have me." It barely came out as a stutter.
"Sometimes I don't even have you." I couldn't tell if his tears were from anger or sadness.
"You do! It because I bloody like you! God dammit!" As he processed the words, his eyes widened. Just as I realized what I said, I left the room into my room. I shut the door and locked it. What did I just say? I wasn't thinking, and it just happened. It wasn't meant to be said. He wasn't meant to know. I was going to keep it to myself. For how long? As long as I needed to get over it. It was just a crush, like middle schoolers have. I never expected it to turn into anything, and I accepted that. That's just how it was going to be, but now I have no idea what's going to happen. Is he going to be angry? Happy, glad? He wouldn't be glad, I'm nothing compared to him. He says that he had nothing, is nothing, but he's wrong. He's everything to me. Someone I can vent to, someone I can actually hold a conversation with and not find excuses to leave. He was somebody to me. That's how it started. When I moved in we became good friends. He was my only true friend. It too me a while to figure out if I liked him or just liked the attention he gave me. After a while I figured out that it was him I liked. Everything about him. His bright clothing and hair, the perfect curve of his eyes, the way his hair looks without any product in it, just everything about him I loved. He always complemented me even though I would never accept it. He would accept any complement he got with pride. He was just that kind of person. Proud of who he was. Proud of his work. He accepted himself. He's a great person, someone I wasn't deserving of.
My mind was full of all kinds of emotions. Anger, sadness, frustration, and it felt like I was feeling everything at once. It was awful. He said he liked me. Liked me. Alec Lightwood, the shy, awkward, guy I know, likes me. I know I feel something for him for a while now, but I couldn't register what it was. Now that it slapped me in the face, I realized I felt the same way. It was always there, pooling. It grew stronger over time, and I brushed it off. Hoping it was nothing, but it was still there. That's why he was so angry, because he liked me.
Now the golden question. Do I open the door to Alec's room and ask him about it, or do I leave him alone? My hand was on the knob, just as I was about to leave I turned it last minute. It was locked, of course. I knocked on the door. "Alec?" Silence. "Alec?" I repeated. The door clicked and it was opened. I slipped in quickly. He sat on the bed. Blue eyes rimmed with red, and a slight flush on his cheeks.
"What. Are you here to yell at me like I'm some child? I'm acting like one, I know."
"I'm not." I sat next to him on the bed. I put my arms around his shoulders, rubbing soothing circles. "I'm here to talk to you about us."
"I have nothing to say to you."
"I do. I feel the same way."
"What?"
"I feel the same way. I like you, Alec. I'm not teasing you, I'm being serious. I like you."
"I didn't mean for this to happen. You were just someone who was important to me. My first friend, and you were everything I wanted to be. You know who you are, I don't. I'm confused about everything. I know I'm gay but I don't want to admit it, I don't want to admit I like you, and I didn't want to admit how afraid I am of coming out of the closet. You live happily, proudly. All I did was look up to you, but more happened. I had feelings for you, and I loved everything about you. You're beautiful, not hot or sexy, beautiful. It's just-it's just-" He struggled to get the words out, so I just shut him up in ways I'm not sure he would agree with. He gasped when my lips met his. For a while, he couldn't respond. It was a rash decision, I know, but I didn't regret it. His lips were soft and full. Just a second later he kissed me back. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed some more. Until my hands were tangled in his hair and his lips were on my neck. God. "Alec. I think that's enough," I sighed. He pulled himself away.
"Oh yeah." That familiar flush colored his cheeks.
"So, do you want to try going out?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I would like that."
Original title: CUTE CONFESSION YAS
