𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 • 𝐉𝐄𝐍𝐙𝐈𝐄

6.50

johnny played well in the football game; extremely well actually– and this annoyed him to no end. he normally praised his ability to forget his emotions and lose himself in a game of sport, but today johnny was unforgivably angry at himself.

he didn't deserve to be able to switch off like that. he didn't deserve to forget his worries. he honestly thought he deserved to feel every single goddamned negative emotion that he felt because he wasn't good enough for her. for kenzie.

kenzie. kenzie with her glowing skin and long, dark hair. kenzie with her chocolate brown eyes that always seemed to be filled with tears these days. kenzie with the freckles dotted across her nose and the numerous piercings in her ears. kenzie with the long brown legs and the more than ample chest. kenzie with the glimmering smile and the flirty nature. kenzie with the sarcastic remarks and dirty jokes. kenzie with all of her insecurities; her wide waist and stretch marks, her so called 'big' nose and lips. kenzie with her mascara coated eyes and bright red lipstick that she painstakingly coated on every morning they spent together.

as he walked out of the football stadium, lonely as hell, mackenzie was all he could think about. flashes of her tore through his minds eye.

her, wearing no clothes, and randomly popping up on his snapchat one lazy afternoon. her, wrapped up flush in his arms, hair tickling his neck, as they hugged before his football game. her, smiling to herself as he lifted her by the waist into his truck. her, across the booth from him at the ice cream parlor, being flirty by sucking her ice cream off her spoon in the most sexual of ways. her, pressed up against the back of his truck, as they kissed so hard their lips stung. her, winking at him briefly in the halls at school, only passing by but still making his body hum with electricity. her, cheering on his team at football matches, friends crowded around her and eyes dancing with excitement. her, straddling his waist, as he kissed her neck and she moaned. her, inviting him in to shower, throwing her hottest and most scandalous piece of lingerie at him. her, water streaming down her naked body, arms up in her hair as shampoo suds glided down her skin. her, saying his name; moaning it, yelling it, breathing it, shortening it. and her, smiling.

that damned smile. that smile could make him do anything, be anyone. to him, her easily-given smiles and loud giggles represented everything that was happy in this world. they represented good times, fun times; times when life was so much easier.

he supposed that neither of them smiled much anymore. he knew she was hurting, and it killed him that he was the reason. killed him that she wouldn't let him help her– couldn't let him help her, because he was the reason why she was upset in the first place.

johnny pursed his lips, getting angrier by the minute. why did she have to leave him instead of working out their problems together? why did he stupidly screenshot her nudes? why did he keep them in his camera roll? and why, fucking why, did his childhood best friend have to low-key turn out to be a psychopath?

in a way, losing hayden had felt like getting a flat tire to johnny. the friendship had been fading, the air slowly disappearing– and then all at once, it was gone. hours, days, weeks and years of memories were suddenly tainted red when hayden revealed what he'd done in the middle of the cafeteria that day.

when friendships and relationships akin to the ones johnny had with kenzie and hayden suddenly end, it leaves a gaping hole behind. inside jokes disappear. free time to think is eaten up by "what if's" and "what could have been's." long and lonely nights apart leads to fatigue, which leads to depressive moods, which leads to guilt, and shame, and embarrassment; then the cycle repeats.

in the space of a couple minutes, johnny had lost two of the most important people in his life, all because of a lost temper, a nude photo, and underlying that, an extremely unhealthy relationship.

johnny came to a stop at his car. dropped his bag at his feet. swallowed back the tears that made him want to howl in agony and instead, brought his hand back and punched the side of his truck. did it with the other fist too. gritted his teeth with the pain, finally satisfied. finally feeling as if his emotional pain was actually justified, he sank down on the gravel, cradling his hands against his chest and rocking from side to side, chest heaving with sobs.

he barely even registered the fact that maddie ziegler came to sit with him, and rubbed his back up and down, gently, motherly. neither of them said a word, and she let him cry and cry and cry until everything had been burned out of his system.

johnny dipped his head low, ashamed, and surveyed his knuckles. they were gnarly; swollen strange colours of blue and purple– split in some places. tiny trails of blood and fluid seeped out from the cracks.

"i'll take you home." she finally said. "there's no way you're driving like this."

he didn't say a word, just handed her the keys. she glanced at his hand but looked away quickly. he knew then that she'd seen him give his own car a good punching, and respected her for not saying anything or giving him a lecture like so many people had been doing lately.

they both got in the car, and she drove him home. he tried to ignore the way her lips were trembling with sadness, and instead absently watched the scenery fly by from the passenger window. the drive passed with neither of them puncturing the silence, but when she parked in his driveway, stopping the car, and neither of them got out, he knew they both had a lot to say.

"can you give me your number?" maddie finally asked. "there's a lot i need to say, and i don't have the balls to say it out loud."

johnny cleared his throat and nodded, taking maddies phone from her and typing his number into a new contact. he handed it back, and she took a deep breath.

"she's kept every single rose you've sent, you know."

johnny felt a tear slide down his cheek, tickling his skin. he cleared his throat. "good. she deserves every single one."

"you're the only boy i ever want to see her date, johnny. i know you're perfect for each other, but she's stubborn, and you should know that better than anyone. i– i know it sucks, but you've got to give her time."

"how long?" johnny croaked.

"i wish i knew." maddie locked eyes with him and sighed. "i wish i knew."

it was silent for a while. johnny collected his things. "you look so much like her." he finally mumbled. "so much." his voice cracked.

maddies expression softened. "i'm sorry. she still loves you, you know. even though she hasn't told you in a while, she's still in love with you. keep– keep it up with the flowers, okay?"

"okay." johnny nodded, getting out of his car but still talking. "park my car at the school and then go home in your own. i'll go get it tomorrow."

"it's saturday tomorrow." maddie reminded him.

"i know. it'll give me something to do." johnny smiled weakly.

maddie nodded. "have a good weekend. take care of those knuckles, alright?"

johnny rapped them on the car door. "will do."

"bye, johnny."

johnny took a step back from the door, shutting it and saying goodbye to kenzies sister. trekking up to his house, he rang the doorbell, and wondered what his mom was going to say when she saw the state of him.

AUTHORS NOTE

angst? i think yes ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️