𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 • 𝐉𝐄𝐍𝐙𝐈𝐄

some things i need to say

hi guys, me again. unfortunately this isn't a chapter update but i do have a few things i just wanna get down so you understand a bit more about my situation.

i'm sorry for not updating. really, i am. i could sprout some bullshit excuse about me not having time and being busy with work and school- but that's not the case. to be honest with you, i've been struggling with a few things, and rather than keep you in the dark and not tell you what's really going on i think imma just go out and say it.

my family, is quite literally, falling apart. a few of you know about how my mum and i don't get along but believe me when i say that it has escalated from there. i fight with her everyday. she yells at me all the time. i'm only 16. it's starting to wear on me a little. i cry a lot. i've had conversations with my dad about him possibly breaking up with her. i don't know if he'll even go through with it while i still live at home, but if he does then i'll be under some mental strain.

i don't want you guys to think i just want attention from this. i'm trying to be transparent. see on social media, everyone only talks about the positives. we need to start talking about the negatives too, because everyone has balanced lives. it's impossible to be happy all the time and i hope you all understand that.

the main reason though, why i'm not writing, has to do more with myself. i hate myself for being sixfuckingteen and not being able to even have a single guy friend or boyfriend. granted, my school is small (ish) and majority of the guys are stuck up assholes, but i still hate it. i hate it because i haven't even had a proper crush on someone because no boys ever get to know me well enough anyway.

everyone has someone- that's my belief. everyone has someone they can go to when they're upset- whether thats a boyfriend or a best friend. currently, i have neither. and everyone in my life does. that kills me.

i hate that the people i choose as my first option always choose me as a second. i hate that i don't have someone to go to for a hug when i'm struggling with family stuff and getting tireder and tireder of this bullshit everyday. i hate feeling so alone. (i know that you guys are always here for me, and i love you for that, but it's so hard to not have a person who i can physically talk to about all the stuff that's weighing me down.)

can you see how it would be hard for me to write about people who are in love and have amazing families when i have neither, but i desperately want to and am so jealous of anyone that does? hopefully you can.

i'm not going to procrastinate writing the last few chapters much longer. maybe a couple of days. but i did want to let you guys know what's actually going on inside my head rather than me lying to you saying that i'm busy (i am, to some degree but not to the degree i've been saying)

thanks for reading i guess. nice comments would be appreciated because of my headspace rn but if you wanna chat with me then just pm me, i'm not scary, promise.

thank you. i love you guys. you're all fucking fab and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. peace X