The Girl Who Restored My Humanity Book Three (A Vampire Diaries FanFiction)

Chapter 3 - Home

~Ally's POV;~



24 October

Dear diary,

It's been a while since I last wrote, a really long while. So much has changed since I last wrote about the tomb vampires and how I had to try to hide my feelings for Damon; I'm just not that girl anymore. The worst part about self acceptance is having to embrace the bad, and dark parts of yourself that shouldn't exist. When Katherine told me about this rage that belonged to the Wrova bloodline, where the Wrova doppelgangers are cursed with an uncontrollable anger, I couldn't take her seriously. But the past two months came back to me yesterday and early this morning, and I just can't condone or even begin to understand the terrible things that I have done. I've killed people. That is beyond wrong. Witches and warlocks that have been coming together from everywhere to kill me, have instead failed because I killed them. I can't forgive myself for that. I was defending myself, sure, but I still feel the guilt and the blood on my hands. It won't go away. How is self acceptance even possible when you look in the mirror, and find a stranger staring right back at you? I don't even know the answer to that. I feel like writing this down will somehow pass for therapy, or even be a replacement for Stefan. All of this guilt and the memories are eating me alive, and I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one gets through to me like Stefan does. For the first time in a long time I feel like giving up, and I hate that feeling. I wanna be stronger, but there's only so much hurt I can take. I'm a terrible person, but I can be better, I know I can. I have to break through this, and I will. Whatever it takes.

Ally.



Dropping the pen onto my open journal I sighed, and stared at the painting above the fireplace with physical, and emotional exhaustion. After talking with Nathan into the early hours of the morning, I must have dozed off here on the sofa in the living room. Slowly and reluctantly I lifted my hand to find the werewolf bite has gone, healed, and not returned to haunt me. As I frowned with confusion I ran my fingers over my wrist with fascination, and relief, unable to understand why it hasn't come back. Maybe after I died in the sacrifice my weird doppelganger problems just died with me? No more fatal werewolf bites. "Hey," Nathan said from infront of me with a mug in his hands, bringing me back to reality again, "I brought you some coffee." Instinctively taking it into my own hands, I answered back with a believable smile "Thanks." As I took a well needed sip from the mug, I allowed the coffee to run down my throat, and do it's early morning duty. Nathan pushed his fists into his jacket pockets, and answered with a teasing grin "Don't get used to it." I looked up at Nathan and laughed; he has my sense of humour. Challenging his teasing ways, I asked with raised eyebrows "So what's on the agenda for today, Captain so not funny?" He chuckled and ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair as he answered cheerfully "I was thinking we could go to the Grill," Meeting my eyes, he continued with a smirk, "Maybe play some pool and catch up on the eighteen years that we've missed." A normal day? Is that even possible? After having another sip of my coffee, I replied with a smile, feeling the slightest pinch of happiness stir inside of me, "Sounds awesome." Excited to just get back to a normal human day, I shot up from the sofa and placed my coffee to the side.

"Er-" Nathan started with humourous concern, as his eyes stared questioningly at my outfit from yesterday, "Do you always go to the Grill dressed like you got into a fight with a wild bear?"

With confusion I glanced down at my clothes, and instantly remembered how the rips in my shirt got there. Don't think about that. Repressing thoughts of Stefan and his act of pushing me away, I explained with a grin "I'll quickly have a shower and get changed then we can go." Nathan nodded with a smile and strolled over to the stereo, he then pressed a button and suddenly loud music blared from the speakers. Taken aback by the loud and disruptive music, I called loudly over it to Nathan "What are you doing?" Nathan slumped down into the armchair, and answered back loud enough for me to hear, "Waking Damon up." As he sat down and grinned to himself, I rolled my eyes and walked out of the living room for the staircase. Time for a well needed shower. I mean, I did have showers whilst I was away, but they were shabby motel showers. They were cramped, and uncomfortable.

Reaching the top of the staircase I peeked into Damon's bedroom, and found him still asleep on the bed, lying ontop of the sheets with his t-shirt off and his right arm tucked behind his head. He's still got it. Well, he'll always have it. He's eternally hot. To avoid being a creep, I tiptoed across his room and into the bathroom, hoping he wouldn't mind me using his awesome shower for a couple of minutes. I then with heavy reluctance stepped infront of the mirror, and looked at my messy hair, smeared mascara, and torn shirt feeling desperate to wash it all away. I just want to wash away the past two months. Keep dreaming. Bad memories don't just wash away, they retreat and fall back into the darkest parts of your mind until one day they're thought of again and brought back. Mind compulsion, however, could wash them away for good, but these memories are giving me more reason to clean the slate and become a better person again; the girl I used to be is buried and suffocating under all of the guilt and pain, but I'm gonna pull through and be that girl again. I want to be her again. I controlled the trembling of my fingers as I slowly lifted my shirt over my head, disregarding the memory of Ray ripping it open, and almost killing me yesterday. Clean the slate. Start over. You can do it. Tossing my shirt to the side I took off my jeans, and the rest of my dirty clothes with a newfound sense of positivity. Despite having not a lot of reasons to be positive I walked into the shower, and turned on the hot water with urgency to start a new day. The hot water hit my shoulders and washed over my body, draining the negativity and dirt off, and momentarily stripping the guilt from my skin. It feels good to be home.



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