empathy (rewritten 2019)

chapter fifteen

empathy

Sakura ran to the bridge. She didn't care if anyone saw or not, if Keiko was watching or not, because she'd failed the Chunin Exams, falling just short before the Final Round, she'd failed the year of training was useless now--and worst of all, she'd failed Keiko.

And if she lost Keiko, what else did she have to lose?

The bridge was a long ways off. But Sakura paid no mind as she ran and ran, past the Academy, past the market, past everything that used to hold her down. She ran and it hurt but she kept going.

Keiko sensed Sakura's hurried steps and she bolted out the door, following the path of strucken vendors and toppled-over carts of fruit. And she kept the path of fruit and strangers in the back of her mind as she sorted it all together, pinpointing Sakura's objective--the bridge, she determined--and she ran faster. Because if she lost Sakura, who else did she have to lose?

It was a nice morning chase between the worried and the damned. Sakura skidded to a stop before the dried green and, for a second, considered her odds. Maybe she could jump into the spring's screaming river or maybe she could not. Maybe she could live a life, disappointing anyone until there was no one left, falling short on everything, before falling and falling and, ultimately, fall into the oblivion destined for her--whether it be through a river or a knife. Death was an inevitable fate (and she was sure her death was nothing but of old age or a coward's grasp on a knife in the bathroom), and here was her chance to set it.

And she was back to running, climbing over the edge and holding herself loose against the thin wood. The fast river sprinkled water on the back of her shaking calves, close enough to pull her forever. She stared hard and breathed and was just about to let herself fall until she felt the back of her shirt pull her back and up over the railing, onto the hardwood steps of the bridge.

"Sakura, what the hell were you thinking?" Keiko said, staring down at the dazed girl. She stopped her lecture upon looking at the girl's glaring eyes. "Look, I just--I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Well, I'm fine, so just go away," Sakura got up and dusted herself off. "I failed the Chunin Exams so there's no reason for you to be friends with me anymore."

"What does that mean?" Sakura turned and looked over the rail, this time standing behind the confines of it.

"It means you don't have to train me anymore. I failed." Sakura said, clenching her jaw.

"There's always the next one, Sakura. And there's a lot you can do as a genin, it's just a title," Keiko said and hesitated to lay a hand on the girl's shoulder. "And obviously, I wouldn't stop being friends with you just because you didn't get through. We can keep training, right?"

"Stop it. Stop pretending like you care." Sakura said, stepping back. "You're only friends with me because you feel bad, aren't you? You trained me when I asked because I was so weak."

"Don't say stuff like that, Sakura," Keiko said, reaching out with a reluctant hand. "It's not true."

"Then why the hell are you here? Why are you the only one who's friends with me? Huh?" Sakura bit back a cry. It was pathetic, even more after failing the prelim. She turned away and sat herself down between the rails of the bridge. Keiko sat down beside her, waiting for the pinkette to continue. "Why weren't you there when I needed you? When I was younger?"

"That was the past. I couldn't have been there, Sakura." Keiko said. Had her family's village not burned down to the ground, she wouldn't be here.

"Why not?" Sakura sniffed and wiped her eyes, hard, until they pulsed red and blotchy. "You're ashamed of me, aren't you?"

"What are you--"

"I'm weak and I'm ugly and you only taught me because I'm so pathetic, aren't I?" She growled and stood up, gripping the rails tight and wishing they could just break and fall into the pouncing water. "Admit it! There's nothing left to do for me, Keiko! I failed and I have nothing!"

"It's just an exam, there's another one--"

"But you won't be around to help me with that!" Her voice was tight and fragile, words intended for rage but shaking within the air. "You passed! You don't get it!"

"Sakura--"

"No. You don't get it. You don't get to say that," Sakura breathed. "because you don't know what it's like to be like this! To feel so hopeless, so dependant, so worthless, so useless!"

"Sakura."

"No, you've always been strong and I'm always gonna be this weak. You don't know how it feels to feel weak--"

"Sakura." Keiko took a step forward and the pinkette's raging eyes quieted. And Sakura gazed upon the girl's eyes, deep within, to see forest fires by the brim, red gates scorched by the brim, and everything left behind. "Why do you think I helped you?"

empathy

"Don't hold back." He growled, clenching his fists tight. The two boys stood before each other, a pair of fated rivals like two stars in the sky racing to reach the earth in a dotted light in the sky.

Naruto ran a hand through his blonde hair, staring back at the Uchiha, matching his taunting gaze with a smirk of his own. Balling his fists, he felt his knuckles crack as he watched his enemy do the same. It was the final showdown. Two genin, stranded on the roof, cold in the morning wind, waiting for a leaf to blow by.

Sakura could call it a rivalry but it was more than that. It was proof--proof for Naruto that he, in the midst of his own pain, his own shame and embarrassment and pity, could take an Uchiha and make him shrivel into a ball of pain and shame and embarrassment and pity. Naruto could live through a lifetime of avoid him he's a monster and you're not even from a higher clan, but he could live in pride once seeing this boy slip.

And Kakashi could use their hatred as bait but for Sasuke, it was more than a pesky fight to claim the medal of valor. It was an extermination. A step higher. It was a blink in his eye where Naruto wasn't so happy and loud and determined, as bright as that five-year old running around the compound with calls of kaa-chan where are you? and itachi-nii, teach me another trick! It was proof that he no longer needed that five-year old in his life--whether it be in his mirror or in that goddamn Uzumaki fated to fight him.

It was a rivalry but of two empathetic boys born from the same parent-torn homes and lonely childhoods. Naruto wanted to wallow in his fate as a monster but Sasuke wanted to leave his as a once-happy boy.

Sasuke bit his cheek and checked his kunai pouch, ready.

empathy

Kakashi could visit this grave every morning and relive every moment he failed, pinpointing the deaths he could have saved and the lives he could have changed, remembering red eyes and purple cheeks. He could sit here, hours upon hours, reading names and mumbling curses, hoping for a reality that wasn't so real. But sitting here, next to this red-haired woman, reminded him that though he could, it wouldn't make a difference.

Keiko was a cracked mirror with every word she said and sigh she breathed. A part of her was the epitome of what Kakashi's living had led up to--sitting, every morning, and remembering--and the other part was of purple cheeks and bright smiles. Keiko didn't smile as much anymore but the more Kakashi stared, the more he could see Rin in her.

And Keiko could read another letter or whisper another prayer but this sad, old man sitting next to her told her what her life could be for the rest of her days--bitter and past and broken; days of withdrawals and longing and forget and pain.

These two mourners stared at each other with such regret and bitterness, delving into their own pain and into each other's and diving back into their own until pain was just pain and the past was living in the present and the dead were only alive in their minds.

"Damn, I really shouldn't have gone on that mission," Keiko muttered and Kakashi could only agree.

empathy