empathy (rewritten 2019)

はたけカカシ

Kakashi saw kunais flying a mile away, a rock-paper-scissors match two miles away, and another Naruto vs. Sasuke banter three miles away. So it was no surprise he could spot Sakura's habits of self-negligence and self-obsession. And she made no attempts of hiding them either.

Sakura's kunai pouch was heavier than the boys. Alongside the extra kunai and sebon needles from Keiko, Kakashi found her pulling out a handful of other things: a mirror, a small bottle, and a powder set.

She pulled out the mirror during the Land of Waves mission while they were stationed at Tsunami's house. He was just about to call her to dinner when he cracked the door open and caught her staring at the blemishes on her skin, trying to brush them away like dust on the top shelf.

The bottle of syrup was after the mission at Yakiniku Q's. Kakashi had ordered a large meal in celebration of their one-hundredth mission. It was the Eat All You Can order, and Naruto was hailing over meat after meat because he "took out more bad guys than Sasuke!" and deserved a reward. With the mountainous pile of meat the servers carted over, Sakura had to pitch in and grab herself an armful of skewers and ribs and sizzling pork. Her bites were that of a rabbits and had her cup refilled three times.

And then, as Kakashi paid the receipt, Sakura offered a giggling thanks before excusing herself to the bathroom. As she maneuvered past conjoined tables and rushed servers, she reached in her kunai pouch and pulled out the very blue-stained glass bottle he was so curious about. Despite his keen eye(s), he couldn't quite read the label that Sakura scratched with her kunai.

She was gone for ten minutes and came back, slumping into her seat before gulping down another glass of water.

Kakashi found out what it was years later when the examiners bagged her belongings, including the blue bottle. After testing, they revealed it was the old medicine given to children to make them throw up any poison. It was later on discovered that the syrup itself had harmful toxins within itself, and so it was banned from all pharmacies. Tsunade said she used to have a bottle of that on her office's shelf.

The bottle was drunken to the very last drop, cherished with fragility for its toxins. It bore no scratches or cracks despite the scars lining her handfuls of shuriken, kunai and scrolls. This bottle was treated with utmost care, more care than Sakura could ever spare for herself.

The powder set was self explanatory. But Tsunade, who had watched her examiners tear skin from skin, told Kakashi over three shots and a bottle of the moment the examiners washed Sakura's dead face off; the water turned a peachy white and Sakura's skin, once fair and spared, washed away to a death claimed face, scarred by the temple and sunken down the edges.

Sakura's body was twenty pounds underweight, a sack of syrup and pale powder and the ten mirrors laying around her empty apartment.

Kakashi knew she was strong, stronger than anyone could expect. She was smart and nice and so selfless at times but in her deathbed the only memories he could ever carry about this young girl was of a tainted mirror, a blue glass bottle, and powder pigments falling down the river. Kiba could remember the times she screamed mercy during the Chunin Exams and Naruto could only remember the faint reaches of love and loss but Kakashi could only remember a failed mentorship with three life-defying objects pulling her down.

Maybe he could have done something. Maybe he could have said something more or less or better. But before the thought could first etch itself in his mind, he was watering Mr. Ukki in the morning to hear from a summons that Sakura's dead body was carried in by the red gate.