The Lion and the Warrior

Moonlight Madness

Moonlight crept across the castle and a cool breeze blew through the windows. Brienne woke up freezing. She sat up and moved around as best she could, trying to gather the blankets that had been stolen by Jaime. Pain surged through her lower half with every move. She couldn't get up on her own, she didn't have enough strength to pull the heavy blankets, and she didn't have the energy to wake Jaime. She laid there in physical pain and emotional stress.

She was so relieved that she didn't have to worry about James just then. Jaime had moved him to his own room to be cared for by the wet-nurse so that Brienne could rest. She was still cold, and her heart was still broken. She thought about her father, and how he would never know how beautiful her children are. She thought about her baby girl and that she wouldn't get to grow up with her brother. She regretted that she didn't even know she was having twins and worst of all, she felt guilty for feeling that maybe this was better so that her children didn't grow up to be like Jaime and Cersei. Gods what was she thinking? She would much rather have her daughter here, healthy and alive, and no matter what her children did, she would love them anyway. She would never say that to Jaime. Not ever. How would he feel?

She regretted not being able to go down to the crypt to lay her baby girl to rest. Then again perhaps it was mercy after all. Did she really want to see her little girl in a place like that? In any case, it was her last goodbye to her and she missed it. Her head was spinning with all these different thoughts; and then there was Jaime.

She turned to look at him, sleeping soundly. She wasn't the only one who was suffering; she knew that. She had so much love and respect for him and she just wished that she could erase all the pain he was feeling. He didn't deserve to lose another child. He had lost Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen from the moment they were conceived and no matter what he and Cersei had done, Brienne had begun to understand that there is no greater feeling of loss than when you look at someone who is alive and right in front of you, and you just want more than what you can have from them.

"Bloody fuck!" she put her hands up to her face and burst into tears, sobbing so hard that Jaime woke instantly.

"Brienne?"

She turned away from him and buried her head in the pillow. He gathered the blankets and pulled them up over her and moved closer to her, putting his arm around her. He didn't say a word at first, for he knew exactly why she was so upset. He didn't say anything, her knew she just needed to cry.

She was shaking, breathless, and she needed him. She turned to him and held on to him as though she were a drowning child trying to stay afloat. His heart sank. He held on to her just as tightly as his eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Please don't apologize. There is nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm so sorry for everything."

"What's everything?"

"I feel so lost. I am in so much pain, physically and emotionally, I can't care for our son like this. I didn't know we were expecting twins. I just wish I had known. I know I am not the only one who lost our baby girl and I want to help you, I want to take this horrible feeling away from both of us. And I can't. I'm so afraid - I've won every battle I've ever fought. I am so afraid I can't win this one."

"I am here. I will always be here."

"I am so angry. Angry with the gods for being so cruel. Angry with myself for losing Saphira..."

"No...listen to me. This is not your fault. This could never be your fault." He said in desperation. "This is just what was meant to be, but I promise you, this is not because of you."

She buried her head into his shoulder and he continued holding her. "Just cry, baby, cry. Scream as loud as you need to, it's okay. Just let it all go, my love." She took a deep breath. "Go ahead. Let me hear it. Scream." And so she did. Her throat was hurting, her body was weak and she couldn't go anymore. She cried herself to sleep in his arms.