Something Like Shame (BWWM)

Part 2

... My heart palpitated and shook with brutish euphoria, now I knew she was mine and mine alone... I remember scrutinizing the spastic shifts of her pupils beneath those dark, deliquescent lids, searching tearfully- always tearfully- for an escape route. I remember feeling in my ribs a swell of malignant pride blooming to the surface. A glimmer of guilt here, an immediate trace of triumph there. Such bitter bliss was this feeling that beat me right to the marrow...

Sex.

What's kept me reluctant from it simply isn't the subject itself, but what it might have done to me. How I would react. Sex isn't scary, perverse, deplorable, unnatural, or anything of the like. Know that it's one of the closest things to normality we, as human beings, have.

It relieves stress, brings humans closer to feeling alive and, following any other "textbook answer", is ultimately the key to good health.

Still, I digress that it's primal, messy, savage. A common slug is capable of it. Yet, it's fun and cathartic at its best of times, it's a craving. So, I wonder why, wrapped in the sheets, warm in his long and cozy arms, I felt so alone in that moment. So overwhelmed and close to folding in on myself with elated panic. My chest was tight, my cheeks flushed. Holding his gaze was the hardest thing to do.

What did I let myself become? There was no going back. This was where we were now. I was no longer a singular pronoun, I gave that up without knowing. This was Us and by us I mean we were together- in almost every sense of the way (mentally linked, spiritually bonded, physically connected)- the moment I climbed onto the bed, an unspoken message was delivered. A glaringly bright stamp. Or was I falling into this terrible web of fate when I told him my name?

There was no telling but I was sweating because he asked me to stay should I have gone Yes but instead I said yes to him the mercurial man who turned me into this unrecognizably desperate play-thing that pined and could no longer say no