Something Like Shame (BWWM)

Chapter 10

...I should have been more conscious of the fact that she needed me. She wasn't safe...

I went to bed that night prepared, wearing a peplum dress and the necklace beneath a hotel robe, ready for the date (if I could call it that).

Since my bed was closest to the door I was the only one to hear his three quiet knocks. He hadn't given anything away about his plans even though I asked plenty of times- but it was okay. I trusted him.

Getting out of the bed was the hardest part, one of the most nerve-wracking things I had ever done. With Sam sleeping not even five feet away from me, I could hear every single noise; the squeal of my mattress, the creak of the floorboards, Sam's every move, and finally the door. Across the silent hall, Sebastian stood leaning against the wall in his usual tweed jacket and jeans. His eyes raked over me and immediately my face flushed at the feeling of being so wanted. He leaned down and planted a kiss on my forehead awkwardly before glancing down the hall, still not quite comfortable yet, "Ready?"

"Depends on where we're going." I stepped forward so that my body was flush up against his- I could feel every chord of his muscle.

He sucked in a breath and pressed me to the doorframe with a thud, lips brushing my earlobe as he whispered, "How many times do I have to tell you to stop, before you listen?"

My jaw dropped and I immediately felt him there, against my stomach. He was aroused.

Pulling himself away, his voice was low and gruff, "Did you bring your portfolio?"

I nodded, but just as I leaned in and tried to kiss him, he grabbed me by the hand and lead me hastily to the elevator. A small part of me reveled in the sweet, sweet victory; he was flushed and still leveling his breaths as the elevator descended. He even kept a careful distance from me, preferring the furthest corner that was closest to the doors. This held some promise. I had no idea of the effect I had on this man.

Outside, the air was thick and the rain had dwindled to a light, drizzly mist. Silvery streams of moonlight shone through thinly layered clouds and under it all were the busy streets of St. Louis. The streets oozed with scandal, men sulking in baggy or even well-tailored suits. Sebastian rested a hand on the small of my back and opened the door to our cab. Once we were both in our seats and the car was maneuvering through the traffic, he touched my hand again, "Do you trust me?"

"You haven't given me a reason not to, yet. Where are we going?" I wriggled closer to him, feigning interest in the window until my bare thigh was splayed across his lap in just the right position.

He averted his gaze, frowning and wringing out his hands.

I smiled. It felt like the traffic was thicker now than in daylight. Later, I figured that it was because, in the curtain of night, the streets were honest. We were protected by the ambiguity of the dark. Under the proverbial curtain, Sebastian's arm hung over my shoulder because he was almost comfortable having me so close; his eyes never strayed away from me for too long. It was like he couldn't believe that this was real, neither did I. At the same time, we were both nervous.

The cab stopped in front of a small two-story building nestled deep into an alleyway. On the red brick exterior there was a sign that read the words "Raspberry Cafe" and beside that rested a chalkboard listing band names. Tonight, the Hiatus Kaiyotes were to perform.

"A concert?" I eyed him warily, "How young of you? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were just another teenage boy trying to get into my skirt."

He clenched his jaw, "Who else is trying to do that?"

"That was a joke, Sebastian." I wrapped in my arms and nodded, "You worry me."

"An your an even worse source of stress for me." He slid an arm around my waist and sighed, hazel eyes pleading with me, "Promise that you won't panic."

"As long as I'm not meeting your parents."

He froze, horrified at the mere thought, another reminder of how short-lived this love would be. It kind of stung. I tried to smile as he pulled away from me, "Come on, let's go."

Broc an Alfie were apparently from the same town in Southern Louisiana. Broc's wife cheated and so he chose to hit the road and leave his family behind, without signing the divorce papers. He said that it wasn't that he still loved her, he was just spiteful that way.

"Wait. So what happened with your wife and the Garbage guy?" I picked through my bowl as we strolled along the corner between 58th and Carter.

"I was the Garbage guy." Alfie grinned up at me.

"No way." I almost spat out my food, "That's how you lost your teeth?"

"Well, maybe two of them."

"That's the thing: if the girl's worth as much as you say she is," Broc jabbed his stub in my chest to drive home the point, "you do what it takes. But, she's gotta meet you half-way, or someone else will."

"Nobody can stand in the way of-" Alfie nearly choked on a mouth full of stale bread, "of true love, Theth."

"What do you mean 'true love'? It's just you and Alfie out here."

"What's that thing people say? 'Love comes in all shapes and sizes,' right?" Broc shrugged and threw an arm around Alfie before continuing down the street.

I was listening to them-- then a miraculous thing happened. As if their words were made of magic, I saw her standing just a few long strides away, wearing that dress that rose up the backs of her thighs... Well, her bottom had always been thicker than I could expect for a girl so petite. She wasn't exactly curvy but she was beautiful anyway. And there he was, running his hand along her waist like it wasn't the most unnatural thing to do; it was disgusting.

They were almost out of view if you didn't peer into the alley's shadows but the streetlight just caught them. Even the building was sketchy.

Broc nudged me, "You look a little green."

"Uh- yeah. I just... That oatmeal's a little fuzzy at the corners." I tried to keep walking but my eyes kept dragging themselves back to her.

From her long, frizzy hair to her velvety brown skin, she was perfect for me. He didn't understand the gravity of what he was groping for at that moment.

See, for a long time, she was my beacon and some part of me refused to let that go. She was the lotus flower in my murky life. I needed her friendship and she gave it willingly; I owed her as much as guidance. He wasn't the right one for her, I was. I was what she needed and, if that took a little pushing I would do it.