Something Like Shame (BWWM)

Chapter 20

To cut the utility costs, the lights were kept out upstairs. I poked my head into each and every room, peering into the darkness. It wasn't until I reached the guest room at the end of the hall that I found him.

The door was cracked and now I could see that he was waiting for me in the rocking chair, pensive and quiet. I didn't know what to do so, instead of listening to my brain which was telling, moreover pleading with me to go and leave him alone, I went in. Because, as much as I hated this gorgeous man, these lids refused to close on him, I simply couldn't turn away from this train-wreck of a situation I was in, it was too addictive.

I shut the door and took a seat on the bed, facing him, "You didn't like the video, did you?"

"It was great. Lovely, really." He wiped his mouth, only for it to settle into a frown, "Seth must really know you well."

"He has been there for me... a lot."

"I can only imagine what that's like." He smirked.

"No." I shook my head, "you're not allowed to say that."

"What do you mean?"

"You want me to feel like shit when this is your fault, Sebastian." I chewed my nail and pulled my knees closer to my chin, curling in on myself, "You wanted it to be like this."

"I'm so-"

"And I can function without you, Mr. Wick. I don't need you that way. I'm loved." I tugged at my hair, tearing and breaking the weaker strands with ragged fingernails that clung. All of the tears were on the brim, ready to fall at the slightest movement, "I gave up everything for you, Sebastian. You were my very first in everything. I trusted you. You were supposed to at least stick around for two seconds. But, you didn't. You hurt everyone you touch and you know what? I feel so, so fucking bad for Carmen."

He nodded slowly as if I were a deranged patient tipping over the edge and into a mania. A mania from which I could never recover, feverish, eyes gleaning, sweat beading.

"But, I have to blame myself for feeling this crappy. I let myself move too damned fast with you." I shook my head and paused for him, "Are you going to say anything now or is this just another time I'll be left hanging like before?"

There was a long-drawn silence and, for a second, I thought he was leaving again. He was so quiet.

Suddenly, he closed the small bit of space between us, lifted me up, and wrapped his arms around me until we were one lecherous beast. I was crushed into the mattress beneath him and he was kissing me hard so that I could only feel him and the groaning springs, only taste familiar bitter taste of him a he slid himself between my legs. I wouldn't fight him.

Things between us were terribly toxic. Astoundingly great.

Then, just as I began to convince myself to submit to whatever we were beginning to be, an unwelcome sound broke into my thoughts splintering this thin veil of decency. He was sobbing now and still kissing and pouring over me with some overwhelmingly tortured expression. Behind my ear, along my jaw, down to my sternum. The front of my shirt was damp and salty with him. I pat the fabric. It itched.

"I thought you would never come back and, if you were happier with that boy, I wouldn't blame you- Henna, this is my fault. But, I can't imagine myself without you now. You've ruined me."

I chewed my nail and wriggled so that we were facing each other again, laying on our sides now so that we had to really see each other, the hurt, and the sincerity. I still don't know who was worse. After all he'd done, I somehow felt like the one at fault, "We're not together. I don't know what this is, but we're not what we were."

He shook his head, "I can't work with that."

"You tried to send me away."

"You're it for me and I mean it." He kissed my cheek and I felt the soft prickle of his stubble and everything between my legs tingled for a moment.

"Sebastian, you tried to get me expelled. I heard you."

"When?" He paused, lips hovering at the crook of my neck. I shuddered at the feeling. "When did I ever say anything of the sort?"

"Not to me, to your Father. You told Dr. Wick." I pushed my chest the smallest inch forward to feel his lips brush against my skin some more as I relayed what I remembered from that day. He nodded and slid his hands behind my back, unfazed.

"No, Henna. I was talking about Carmen." He saw my expression and sighed a heavy sigh. "Listen to me now and then choose what you must. Just, please, listen to me."