Never Be Afraid Again (sequel to We'll Carry On)

Say it ain't so

 November 03, 2009

 One year later

 “Wake up sleeping beauty!” I smiled, tickling my daughter. She laughed and rolled over into my arms. I engulfed her and placed her on my hip.

 “Good morning, birthday princess!” I kissed her round cheeks as she grabbed my face.

“Ornin’, momma!” She repeated. Bandit was so smart, and absorbed everything like a sponge. We all had to be careful what we said around her because she repeated everything.

“Guess what daddy’s making downstairs for you.” I whispered, with a grin plastered on my face as her eyes lit up.

“tates!” She squealed happily, clapping her hands, trying to say ‘pancakes’. I laughed and nodded my head.

Bandit squirmed out of my arms and ran toppling down the steps towards the kitchen screaming ‘food’.  Today was Bandit’s first birthday, and I was in stitches over it. Yes, it was a happy day, but it was also the day Gerard and I had dreaded because, well, she was growing up so quickly right before our eyes and we just weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready for her to grow up yet, I wanted her to stay my precious little baby forever, the little girl who still needed me to help her, and couldn’t sleep unless she had kisses from me and Gerard. But, no, she had to grow up and I was terrified.

I was terrified of the world for her; it was such a judgmental, scary place. People didn’t care who you were or who your parents were, if they didn’t like you, you were going to pay for it. I never wanted that for my daughter, I never wanted her to run home crying because someone called her a mean name, I dreaded her first boyfriend or girlfriend and her first heart break. I was afraid of what this world would do to her once she was old enough to realize that everyone wasn’t all smiles and nice to one another. Right now when she looked at the world, she saw nothing but beauty, happiness, and love. She saw the love that her father and I had for each other and for her. She saw how happy we were and how much our friends and family loved one another. I was scared of the distorted image society would eventually engrave of the world in her beautiful, innocent mind.

I felt tears prick my eyes as I leaned against the kitchen wall watching as Gerard helped Bandit flip a pancake and laughing as it splattered batter against his arm. They were so happy, they were everything to me. I laughed to myself, which startled Gerard. It wasn’t until Bandit ran to me, wiping my eyes as I bent down to hug her that I realized I was crying.

“Momma?” bandit asked, observing the tears that were on her small fingers and looking at me with concern in her big brown eyes.

“Wet.” She stated, pushing the hair out of my face, kissing where my tears had once been on my cheek. I smiled at her and held her tightly to my chest, as Gerard wiped his hands on a towel and walked over to me, placing his hand on my back.

“Mommy is okay, baby. I’m fine. Mommy is just really happy that she has you.” I squeezed her again and kissed Gerard who gave me a sympathetic look, almost as if reading my mind.

“When did you start growing up on me, huh? Did I tell you, you could do that?” I pretend scolded her, as she giggled, shaking her head as her curls hit her face.

“Noooooo.” She dragged the ‘o’ out, making a monkey noise after and laughing at herself. She was such a happy baby, and I was very proud of her.

She hopped out of my arms and grunted towards her highchair repeating the word ‘hungy’. Gerard lifted her up and placed her in the highchair as I sat her pancakes in front of her. She didn’t hesitate to grab a hand full of syrup filled pancakes and shove them in her tiny mouth, making a huge, sticky mess. We laughed and ate our breakfast while she made grunting noises as she shoveled her birthday breakfast into her face. I loved starting our mornings together like this, it was something we had finally started doing more of.