The Russian Next Door

CHAPTER 45 - My beloved Roza

I sat down on the edge of the bed. I may need that. I looked at the envelope one more time, turning it in my hand. I took a deep breath and opened it. Inside was a letter:

My beloved Roza,

I hope that you found your way back to my apartment as I did for many nights as you were gone. I also hope that you are feeling better now and that someday you would forget about this and you would get to live your life as you are supposed to and how you deserve to.

I am writing this letter to you not to look for forgiveness, because I may not deserve it for as long as I live. But an explanation is at least what you deserve. I should have told you everything a long time ago. So I am going to explain you all from the beginning, not looking for excuses, because I am aware that I am the only one to be blamed for this. And I am profoundly sorry for keeping all of this away from you. I should have known you better.

As you know, I grew up in Baia. As I was a child, I befriended two boys: Ivan and Yakov. Since that day the three of us were inseparable. We did everything together. Yakov and I always dreamt to become Marines. So we both went to the Military School and then at Marine Military Academy. We graduated at the top of our class and then someone recruited us to go to America. And we did that gladly.

One day we were on sea, when our boat received a distress message from a boat nearby that caught on fire. We went there to rescue the people on the boat. It seemed that the boat belonged to a rich man who was having a party with his friends and a bunch of women. We got to the boat and almost everyone was already into the water. We helped everyone get on our boat. But someone was still on the burning boat. A girl, around twenty years old. She had her leg trapped. We weren't supposed to leave anybody behind. This is the first thing they teach you. But the fire threatened to get to our boat as well and my mates decided that the girl wasn't worth that risk. They simply didn't care about her, because she was ''just a hooker and there are plenty of other girls to take her place''. But Yakov and I didn't agree. So we went to the boat trying to rescue the girl. He got to her first and as we were heading toward our boat, something fell on Yakov and pinned him down. He told me to get the girl to safety. I promised him that I would come back for him. But I wasn't fast enough and as I reached back for him, the floor under him opened and he fell. He died there because of me. I was the one who persuaded him to come with me. And now a mother lost her son and a sister her bigger brother, all because of me.

After we came back I immediately resigned, because I couldn't stand to be around those people who would have let that girl die. She was so young and had a whole life ahead of her.

I came back to Baia and told Yakov's family about his death. They were devastated. Now, the family lost the only remaining man figure. So I offered my help. Because I felt responsible for his death. The guilt of his death will follow me for all my life. As I said above, Yakov had a sister. Her name is Tasha. We were both suffering, and somehow, we found comfort into each other's arms, and began to call it love. We left Baia and moved to Moscow. She was almost always asking me when I was going to propose to her. So I did it, but we hadn't the chance to tell everybody else.

A month after the big event, she came to my place and told me that she was going to France with her work. We had a fight. And she left. We weren't speaking. But I thought that she needed some space, and after she would calm down, she will speak with me again. A week later, I got a message from her boss that contained a photo of them naked, into a bed. For the next period she never called and never sent a message. I thought that she was just simply living her life with that man and forgot about me. So I got over her. I thought that she will never come back. It was painful to know why she really left to France. After her brother's death, her betrayal only made things worse. But everything changed when I met you, Roza. You came into my life not long after Tasha's departure.

You said you were a mess, but I think you were a hurricane that was meant to come into my life to turn everything around and make things better than before. You are such a colorful person and you are not afraid to be yourself and to express yourself. You owe the person you are and that is the most courageous thing I know. And you get happy for the smallest reasons. And you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. So beautiful it hurts sometimes. Both on the inside and on the outside.

And you were so easy to fall in love with. I think I loved you from the first second I saw you on that hallway. Everything about you is unbelievable. The way you dance is heartwarming. The day you moved in I saw you dance and from that moment forward, I just wanted to be in your presence. There has always been something that made me come back to you, pulling me towards you.

And I never wanted to see you cry. From the moment I saw Adrian so close to hit you, I promised myself to protect you. No matter what. But I ended up to be one of the reasons you cried. And I will regret that for the rest if my life.

I've told you that kissing you for the first time was a mistake. I didn't think it was fair for you to get false hopes. I didn't think I was ready to give my heart to somebody again. And you were so young. I thought I would never get to be the right person for you. I made a lot of mistakes, Roza, and many of them were made towards you. But you will never ever be one of them. Falling in love with you will never be one of my mistakes.

You came into my life and simply warmed my whole being. I didn't think I was ready to love again. But you just settled yourself into my heart and remained there. You made me feel things differently than I did before. You made me the happiest man I have ever been. And you made me want to be a better man for you every day. When I was with you, nothing and no one else mattered.

I hope that one day you will be able to find the strength into that beautiful soul of yours to forgive me, at least you, because I know I will never do. I will never forgive myself for not trusting you enough, for not being able to let you know who I really was, for not telling you the truth from the beginning, for hurting you, for letting you go.

I can only promise you two things. I promise that you were the only woman present into my heart and into my mind for the last seven months. There was no Tasha. Just you and it will always be you. And I promise you'll live in my heart for as long as it beats.

I am sorry, I'll always be