The Russian Next Door

CHAPTER 27 - First kiss. Just friends

He took me by surprise. But when our lips touched, everything in the world felt just right. His lips were so soft and his breath was warm and his hand getting in my hair felt like heaven. At first, the kiss was slow, our lips barely touching, like they were getting to know each other. Then, it turned into something more primal. He began sucking and biting by bottom lip with his teeth. He scooped me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. I gently traced my way up to his neck, untying his hair and passing my hands through it. It was so smooth. And we were so close that his smell was deeply filling my lungs. I felt like I was high on drugs. No, this was a lot better. He walked toward the wall, my back touching the hard rock now. His tongue invaded my mouth and at the same time, his hands found their way under my blouse. He started tracing his way down with his mouth, kissing and sucking my neck. This was such a pure pleasure. And I moaned loudly.

He suddenly stopped and just stared at me. He put me down. His face was a mask of pure shock.

'Did I do something?' I was very confused and still breathing heavily. He shakes his head no. Then what? What happened? One moment we were kissing and touching all over, and the other he is looking at me like I am a fierce animal ready to attack.

He rubbed his eyes, and then pressed his temples. 'Rose, I am so sorry. This was totally out of line. I shouldn't have done that.'

'No, it's okay, Dimitri. I don't-'

'No! No, Rose, it's not. This thing was wrong from me to do. So wrong. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have acted like this. It won't happen again. I promise.'

I am at a loss for words. What can I say to him? What does all of this even mean? Wrong? A mistake? It won't happen again. Why was he acting like this? I didn't even get the chance to open my mouth, because he has already left.

I feel dirty. Rejected. Empty. Was this my fault? Why was his mood changing like that? He is hot then suddenly he turns iceberg cold for no reason. I never seem to understand him. Why is he like this?

I get to my door. My hands are shaking. I am so fucking furious right now. Can't he act like a fucking normal human being?

I reach my hand in my pocket to grab my key. But I stumble upon his keys too. I enter and lean on the door. I am looking at Dimitri's keys shine into the faint light, trying to make sense of what just happened. Fuck him! And fuck all of this shit! I throw the keys away hard and they fall somewhere with a thud. I get to my room, already crying uncontrollably.

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Two weeks pass and we don't bump into each other. Bump is exaggerated. I know that we are both doing our best at avoiding each other. And the truth is that this whole thing still hurts. I still can feel his rejection. I still remember the look he gave me. The hurting never really goes away. Everything I do, it is constantly there, like a background noise. I still can't understand what happened. But right now I am busy with my finals and this is helping tremendously, even though my mind sometimes slips to that night's events.

I sometimes look out the window at the usual hour he comes from work, just so that I can see him, even for a couple of seconds. I miss so much spending time with him. I even miss our quarrels and teases. Today he comes from the market, carrying two bags in his hands. He is all dressed in black and the usual duster is on. His hair is tied, only one thin strand laying on his right side. Sometimes I wonder how it would be if he looked up. But even if he would, he wouldn't be able to see me, because I am hiding between the drapes.

Things cannot go on like this forever, I decide. I have to talk with him and sort thing out. Things can't end like this. We have ignored each other enough. He doesn't want me; he made that pretty clear that evening. Fine. But can't we at least be friends?

I open the door as he reaches the last stair. He sees me, and his expression changes, but I can't quite read it. His face seems peaky and tired. Maybe mine does too. I can't really eat these days.

'Hi.' I say from the frame of the door.

'Hello, Rose.' he sounds tired too.

Should I speak? Should I get back inside? I go with the first thought. Here we go. I take a deep breath and say:

'Look, about what happened. Can we forget it somehow? I mean, it was stupid from me to ask for what I asked. And things degenerated that day. Do you think we could go back to how things were before that? And, just be friends? No strings attached.'

It took him a moment to respond. 'I'd like that.'

I smiled weakly. 'Then I guess I'll see you around.' He nodded in response.

I preferred to have him as a friend than not to have him at all.