Silence is Golden

Chapter 24

“Come on love birds, I’ve got little kids lunch money to steal”, Jax said impatiently from somewhere behind Eli.

I quickly stepped back from Eli shocked at how close I had gotten to him and my bold gesture of touching his face. Love birds? What is Jax talking about? Eli doesn’t like me and I definitely don’t like him, I don’t like any guy. The only reason he tries to look out for me is probably because he feels sorry for me, he thinks I'm some feeble little girl and it drives me crazy. I don’t want anybody’s sympathy especially not Eli’s; I don’t need sympathy or pity it won’t fix anything.

Stepping around the groaning form that is now Michael I followed Eli and the others down the corridor but my mind was still back there in that moment trying to figure out what the hell Jax meant. That boy is really strange sometimes, maybe Trey has hit him one too many times. I didn’t even notice we had got to the cafeteria until I looked up and realised half the people sitting round the tables had suddenly looked up and where staring at me. Feeling my face beginning to get hot and my pulse quicken I quickly averted my gaze to the floor using my old tactic of if I can’t see them they can’t see me. Of course it didn’t work as I could still feel plenty of pairs of eyes boring into me. Why the hell was I stupid enough to follow Eli and his friends in here, I should have been paying more attention. I feel myself start to go into panic mode, my limbs freezing up as I struggle to breath.

Suddenly a warm hand gently touches the small of my back and I immediately know who it belongs to, as much as I want to step out of his reach I can feel my pulse slow slightly. He gently leads me through the cafeteria until we reach the corner at the back where an empty tale sits. Everyone sits down and I slowly lower myself into a seat opposite Eli, my back to all the staring eyes. Soon enough everyone started talking around us again and Jax pulled the other two into a conversation about Saturday night. I didn’t bother to listen so I have no idea what they are up to Saturday night; I just sat there fidgeting with a stray thread on my sleeve feeling more uncomfortable by the second. I had to fight the urge to turn around and check that no one is looking at me.

Slowly lunch time passed by but every second seemed more excruciating for me. I kept my head down just staring at the table while the others chatted and eat their food. I knew Eli kept flicking his gaze to me but I refused to look up and I refused to eat the sandwiches he put in front of me. They just sat there on the table in front of me adding to the awkwardness for me. Why did he have to go and put food in front of me, it just makes me feel even more panicky and sick. The last thing in the world I want right now is food; I took deep even breaths just focusing on staying calm. I found my gaze wandering to his hands as they rested on the table in front of him. His knuckles were already swelling and bruised from the beating he had given Michael and I found myself wondering if they hurt. But he didn’t seem fazed, they looked like they hurt.

I couldn’t help the relief that spread through me when the cafeteria around us began to empty and the bell rang signalling class was starting in five minutes. I got up quickly from my seat my legs stiff from the tension that had filled me throughout the lunch hour.

“See ya in English”, Eli called to my retreating back as I hurriedly left the cafeteria. I didn’t even bother to show that I had heard him I just wanted to get to class and out of the crowds surrounding me.

Luckily Michael isn’t in my next class so I breathed a sigh of relief when I settled myself in my seat and took out my note book and pen. I let the last of the tension leave me as the class settled into its usual routine, me being ignored and me ignoring everything about me. Soon enough my thoughts were wandering to a certain combat boot wearing someone which alarmingly they seem to have been doing a lot lately. He has this strange effect on me; he brings out my emotions which I thought were long gone. I’ve been numb for so long that feeling this again is confusing and overwhelming. I don’t even know if I want this, I don’t know if I want them back. They just make a person vulnerable and I can’t even make sense of them. One minute I'm fine the next I'm angry to the point of wanting to hit someone. Like this morning when he offered me a ride, I was so angry with him and just fed up with his interfering. Then this afternoon in the corridor I had to resist the urge to cling to him after the incident with Michael. But I was afraid of Michael when he hardly touched me and yet I watched Eli beat him up and I still don’t feel fear towards him. Then I touched him, I actually voluntarily touched him. I don’t even know why I did it, I'm not sure if I even wanted to it was just one minute my hand was by my side the next I was touching his face and staring deep into his eyes. His eyes are like bottom less pits I could just loose myself in. But no, I mustn’t loose myself in them; not being scared of him is bad. When I'm scared of people or things it keeps me alert and on edge and that keeps me safe. I must stop this, I have to be cold, that’s the only way I will stay safe.