Silence is Golden

Chapter 26

I just stood there frozen as she screamed and ranted at me about being a terrible daughter and I just let it all wash over me. She screamed and shouted right in my face and waved her arms in the air and all I could think was she could actually be quite pretty if you took away the layers of makeup and ridiculous clothes, she used to be pretty. Surprisingly long ago it never used to be like this, I remember her wearing pretty summer dresses and sandals to pick me up from school when I was 7 and when my dad got home dinner would be on the table and they would be all smiles and hugs and kisses. I'm not sure exactly where it went wrong or when it started but I just remember waking up one day and thinking fuck how did my life get to this. That was when I started spending more time out of the house going to parties and getting drunk and into fights. Then my antics drew the attention of Daniel and his gang and it all just went even further downhill from there. The only slight reprieve was those six short weeks with Jayden right before all hell really broke loose. Before that night I thought my life was as messed up as it could get, oh how I was wrong.

The sting of her hand making contact with my face brought me back to the present. I stepped back from her but only to put some space between us as I can see the intent in her eyes to hit me again. I didn’t step back from fear of her hitting me again which I found both strange and refreshing. I’m not afraid of her, not anymore. I just feel endless pity for her not fear like I would have felt a few weeks ago, there’s nothing to fear about her. She’s just an alcoholic messed up terrible excuse for a mother, nothing more and nothing less. The only person she is a real threat to is herself and her own health, how come it’s taken me this long to see it I don’t know. Perhaps it was my moment of reminiscing before she slapped me that finally brought everything back into clarity. But then perhaps it’s just me, perhaps I have changed. The difference between the person who moved here a few months ago and the person calmly standing here listening to their mother scream and shout is massive. I might look no different from the outside but from the inside I feel different and to other people the change may be tiny if they knew the me on the inside but for me any tiny change is progress. Although the initial idea of change terrifies me because it leads into the unknown and I’m still an absolute wreck but I do know that it must happen. I can’t stay like this forever; I can’t be this person forever constantly jumping at my own shadow. However I don’t know how to actively change either, this just kind of happened and the thought of consciously taking a step forward with my life is just too much for me to even think about.

Pulling myself back again I took another step away from my mother and repeated it until I was at the stairs all the while she screamed and shouted like I had committed a murder. Slowly I turned my back on her and her madness and headed up the stairs.

"I wish I had never met your father! He’s the one that fucked everything up for me!" she shouted at my back as I made it half way up the stairs.

I continued climbing the stairs.

"You and him between you ruined everything!" she shouted.

I reached the top of the stairs.

“If it hadn’t of been for you I would never of had to marry Mick!” she shouted.

I headed down the hall way to my room becoming more and more confused by her ranting. What on earth is she on about? What is she trying to say?

Finally she takes the hint I'm not interested and her shouting ceases. I shut my door and lean my head back against it letting out the breath I had been holding. Something new for me to deal with seems to occur every day and they all just seem to keep piling up because I don’t know how to deal with any of them. At least the latest confrontation with my mother seems to have pushed away the images Eli’s words created.

I stayed where I stood until I heard a car horn beep outside and the familiar slam of our door as my mum left for the evening to go and get obscenely drunk somewhere before I relaxed and moved across the room to my bed letting exhaustion take me.

Its not very much but its just a little something until i can get my head back into it. For everyone who has been patient and not unfanned me thank you xx