T h i r s t

s e v e n t e e n

Moderate time jump

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My head was on fire. No, really. I could actually feel it burn. I groaned and shut off the laptop, but still saw her CT films in front of my eyes. I tipped my head back and stared at the ceiling, but the fan whirring only made me dizzy.

So I directed my gaze in front of me, to where he was sitting and appeared to be immersed with his work. He squeezed my feet in his lap sometimes, but didn't look away. I wasn't even sure he was blinking.

"Ry, maybe you should take a break?"

No response. Admittedly, I spoke very low, but he should have heard it.

"Ry?" I repeated louder and he replied with a "Hm?"

"Take a break?"

"Hm." He didn't move.

"Ry, I'm pregnant."

"Okay."

"It's not yours."

He picked up another sheet of paper and took a sip of coffee. My, my, I loved a man who took his work seriously but was there no limit to what he wouldn't notice?

"Let's get married."

"Hm."

I smiled and tipped my head back.

"I want you to be my baby daddy."

"We should get a dog too. Get some practice before the baby comes . . . . I always wanted to name my daughter Daphne. I always thought it was such a pretty name. And I guess we could call our son Ryan the II or Ryan Jr. I have a feeling he'd look just like you . . . . We could get a suburban house. I know you hate the suburbs but I'd tell you after all you've seen, don't you wanna settle down somewhere nice and quiet? You'd fight me on it, but obviously I'd win. It'd have this huge backyard for the kids to play in and the dog to run around. You'd hate it when the dog slobbers up on you but at the end of the day, it's all worth it, right?"

I drifted off, lost in that thought. All those things I'd said, took no effort. That meant one of two things: I watched way too much mainstream, or that subconsciously I've always wanted that life with him. But as he subtly hints at it everyday, he didn't want the same. Because he still thought I was wasting my time with him.

I stood up suddenly, pulling my legs out from his lap.

"Lo?" He sounded alarmed.

"I'm going for a run." I sniffled as I pulled on my sweatshirt. No. Stop.

"What? It's dark out."

"10 minutes." My voice trembled as I headed for the door. Damn it! Hold it in!

"Are you crying?" He followed me and gripped my arm.

"No." I sobbed against the door, staring at the floor. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"What's wrong?" He asked in a gentle voice, palming my face. What's wrong is you won't let me love you! Just when you feel like we're getting close you say something mean and walk away. I just want us to be together.

I shook my head and felt the tears fall. "I just remembered Boo, that's all."

He sighed and pulled me into his chest. I shut my eyes tight and let it all out as he gently rubbed my back.

"Sure it's not because of the stuff you just said?"

I froze. "You heard that?"

"Every word." He sighed. I sniffled and leaned away, arms crossed and eyes down. It was coming. I could feel it. The lecture on the 100 reasons why we weren't good together.