T h i r s t

t h i r t y

It had been three weeks in, and I still wasn't used to the awkward silence.

After, we just lay on our backs until we caught our breath, and I'd leave. Tonight, I stayed longer as he held me.

In the dead silence of midnight, I could hear his head brimming with thoughts. There were so many things we left unsaid. But it was for the better. Somehow, this was working. And I didn't want to mess with it.

I looked at him, eyes closed and his frown lines fluttering. I wanted to kiss his forehead, tell him to get rid of that and relax, but thought better of it.

I leaned forward to get up before I could get any more grand ideas, when he pressed his arm down, eyes still closed.

"Ryan." I chided softly.

"Don't go." He mumbled into the curve of my neck.

"I have to."

"No, you don't. Just for tonight." He sighed and pressed soft kisses to my neck.

"It's against the rules." I said it more to myself. I was almost giving into his words.

"What if I held you real tight?" He said and squeezed his arm around me, pressing me closer.

"I have Mace." I said and he chuckled, still kissing my neck.

"I don't care. I don't want you to go."

"Ryan." I said louder this time, tears pricking my eyes already.

"I love you."

"No, you don't." My voice cracked. Damn it. Ever since he told me that a week ago, I've asked him repeatedly not to say it.

"You denying it won't make it untrue."

I sat at the edge of the bed and clipped my bra in place. "I'll take my chances."

He scoffed and fell silent as I dressed myself. I was expecting this to lead to a fight, but he didn't say anything else until I shrugged my jacket on.

"I really fucked this up, didn't I?" He sighed. "I didn't know how good I had it until . . ."

"Maybe it's for the best." I shrugged and freed my hair from underneath the jacket.

"You keep saying that." He frowned, sitting and looking up at me. "You really mean it?"

"Of course." I hid my eyes and reached for his wrist which was fastened by my hair tie. He moved it out of my reach.

"So if I were to disappear from your life, you wouldn't care?" He kept moving his hand when I reached for it, and it was getting on my nerves.

"No."

He froze and his jaw clenched. "You don't mean that. You really wouldn't care?"

"Why would I? We're just playthings to each other."

He looked physically hurt, but I didn't flinch.

"Alright, then let's cancel whatever this is."

"Fine." I shrugged, doing my best to pretend like I didn't care, although it stung.

"Fine." He stood up and pulled on his boxers, his tone sharpening "Get out."

I stilled, unblinking. Had I misheard him?

"Get out." He repeated, pointing to the door for good measure. I clenched my teeth.

"Not without my hair tie." I crossed my arms, grasping onto that one strand of hope. He had to be kidding, right? I was going to call his bluff.