T h i r s t

BONUS

Halfway through clamping the splenic artery, I thought about this morning again. And how different Ryan was being. By the time I'd released the clamp and the bleeding had stopped, I realised I was being a huge dick to him. All he wanted was to spend time with me. And I yelled at him. Because he lets me.

Fuck me.

I sighed as I shoved the gloves off and discarded them.

It had been a while since he'd done that too. Since I'd let him fuck me. But I was just so tired these days. I was either at the hospital or spending time with Daffy. The only time we spoke was before I fell asleep.

I couldn't remember when it all began.

I sighed and sat myself down by the scrubbing station, my feet aching. Is this what growing older was? Well, it sucked.

The guilt built up in my mind until it was all I could think of, and I forced myself to walk to my cabin. I was going to make reservations. At that restaurant he liked.

But when I'd told the woman to make them under Conley, she told me there was already a table for two for tonight. He had everything planned. That made me feel even more guilty.

I looked up his name and dialled. He answered on the fifth ring, just before I usually gave up.

“Hey.” I smiled, hoping the emotion carried into my voice.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, why would something be wrong?”

“It's just . . . you never call me at this time.”

“Oh.” Never?

“So what's up?”

“Nothing, I just . . .  wanted to see what you were doing.”

“Eating lunch. What about you, baby? Did you eat anything?”

“Not yet. But I will. Hey, Ryan, I'm really sorry about this morning.”

There was a pause. Like he wasn't expecting me to apologise.

“That was nothing, Lo.”

“No, I was being a dick. I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to be. You're just so exhausted these days, baby.”

“I know . . .” I sighed. “But I'm looking forward to tonight.”

He hesitated. “I don't know about that, sweetheart. Sharon's busy and Becky still has the flu and . . . I might have to work overtime tonight.”

“Oh.” I hoped he didn't hear the disappointment in my voice.

“How about this weekend? Daffy's got that sleepover, right?”

“Yeah, but I have that conference in Philadelphia.” I rubbed my eyes, pulling up my calendar.

“Right . . . How about next weekend?”

“Sure,” I said, but I knew it sounded unsure. Something always came up.

“It's a date, then. I'll move our reservation.”

I heard a knock at the door.

“I have to go.” I sighed.

“Yep.” He sighed. “Eat something ok?”

“Yep.” I rolled the wedding band around my finger, when I said without thinking, “Hey, you wanna fuck tonight?”

Ryan chuckled awkwardly. “I'm working, remember?”

“Can't you get out of it?” I moaned. “I'll wear that black lingerie you like.”

“I'll try, baby. But no promises.”

“I know. Love you.”

“Love you, sweetheart.” He sighed and I hung up.

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I unlocked the door, balancing a fast asleep Daff in one arm. She stirred when I jiggled the keys, and I hushed her asleep again. I was glad she was asleep when her daycare teacher and I exchanged words. According to her, Daffy getting in late every day would rub off on the other kids.

How?

I asked her flat out and raised some very good points, even quoting Ryan from something he'd said about the right to be late. I was a paraphrasing of course, but the confidence I'd said it in made an impact.

But I really ought to be punctual. At least for her sake. I smiled and brushed the hair out of her eyes as she slept with her mouth open. Just like Ryan. I tucked her in with a kiss, feeling the knots in my back. And hungry. Why was I hungry?

Ah, because I'd skipped lunch. Again. I should probably set an alarm.

I sauntered my way into the kitchen, going straight for the ice cream. I was glad Daffy was asleep. I wasn't the best role model. As I hogged on the cold dessert, I noticed Ryan's coffee cup from this morning, still untouched.

A crushing feeling of guilt overtook me. God, I really was being a dick. I set the tub down and went over to hold the cup, my heart swelling. Well, he said he'd eaten right? Or had he been lying like me?

I sighed and poured the stale coffee out when I noticed the newspaper-wrapped book he had been reading. I figured it had something to do with work, but the newspaper jacket had partially come undone, and I saw the bright blue cover of the book.

What?

Frowning, I peeled it back and read the title.

Tips on how you can save your marriage.

My breath caught.

I flipped through the pages, finding several notes along the way, scrawled in his handwriting. I stopped at the bookmark, to chapter 17:  Surprise dinners. I flipped one chapter back and sure enough, it said surprise vacation. Ryan wanted to go on a vacation last week. I said no.

Tears pricked my eyes as I went back, reading the chapter titles and realising that he'd tried every single thing to connect with me and I'd flat out rejected him.

I plopped into a chair and sobbed quietly, hugging the book close. Is that what was happening? Did our marriage need saving?

I wiped the tears but they kept coming, over and over again. I stayed quiet, not wanting to wake Daphne.

I kept telling myself she was my priority and that everything I did was for her, but it looked like he'd heard me. I wasn't dense. I realised I wasn't paying him much attention but I thought he'd understand. That we had to put Daffy first. But I shouldn't have cut him off completely either.

“Okay,” I told myself, wiping the tears one last time. “Stop crying.”

I nodded to myself and got to my feet, heading to our room. I had to show him. Our entire marriage, hell, our entire relationship was him pounding me with grand gestures and although what I was going to do was nothing in comparison, I had to do it. I had to show him I still loved him. I did love him. I just didn't say it anymore.

I wanted to start bawling again, but held it in, throwing on the lingerie he liked. I opened the makeup box I kept, one I hadn't opened in years and sloppily threw on some lipstick, which reminded me of older times. Even through my pregnancy, he was so understanding and sweet. My throat dried again, but I forbade the tears as I pulled on a dress.

And then, I did the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. Be nice to our next-door neighbour, Sharon.

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