March - Falsettos Oneshots

Inactivity

I wipe my eyes as I attempt to cover up the fact that I'm sobbing. Though Marvin and I no longer need sleep since we have no real physical form, we do enjoy sleeping on Mendel and Trina's couch as a way to shut down and not have to think throughout the night. Despite this, I am unable to just lie there and rest. Marvin is completely passed out next to me, so I don't really have anyone to vent to at the moment.

I am only ever plagued with these thoughts at night, though they very rarely will happen during the day as well if I am tired enough. Though I'm truly happy with my current (after)life, I really wish that I was able to exercise properly again. I absolutely adore both my lover and the still-living rest of the family, I found a lot of happiness through racquetball as well when I was alive. It was one of my passions: a way to use my competitiveness in a way that didn't damage or completely destroy my relationships with my loved ones. Though I did end up in the hospital shortly after a game with Marvin, it really wasn't the fault of the game. This was completely on me and my recklessness. It is completely and utterly my fault that I'm unable to participate in one of the things I love most.

And it's not as if this is an injury that I can bounce back from in a month or so. Death is permanent. I have had my fair share of minor inconveniences that hindered me from continuing my regular schedule, such as spraining my ankle or being incredibly sore from other activities. Nothing, however, is as bad as this. There is no way I will ever be able to return and it kills me to think about it.

The more I ponder this, the more I sob. Soon I cannot stop the tears that pour down my face. I sniffle a bit and attempt to stealthily move away from Marvin so that I don't wake him up, but he groans and pulls me closer to him, still in a deep sleep. He mutters something softly, but I'm unable to hear it. He's probably dreaming about something positive as I am locked in a state of pure misery. As time passes, I hope that I will calm down, but instead I begin to cry even harder. I start to shake violently, and my breathing is heavy and inconsistent. Unfortunately, I feel my boyfriend stir beneath me. Groggily, he opens his eyes and glares at me, clearly tired.

"Whizzer, go back to sleep. I need rest," he says, yawning and closing his eyes again. I attempt to speak, opening my mouth, but only a shaky exhale comes out, along with another choked cry. Marvin's eyes snap open, and this time, he looks at me with a face of pure concern. "Are you okay, love?"

"Do I look okay?" I snap, almost instantly catching the harshness of my tone. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to yell. I'm just really tired and sad. Don't worry about it."

"Do you need to talk? You know I'm here for you. Always."

"I know, I know. It's just dumb, and I don't want to bother you with it, Marv..." I yawn and drop my head down on his chest, defeated. I just want to sleep at this point, exhausted from all of my crying. He comfortingly rubs a hand up and down my back, and I push my head into the crook of his neck, inhaling slowly in an attempt to level my breathing. His hand slips under my shirt and draws loose circling patterns. It is calming and eventually I feel well enough to talk.

"I... owe you an explanation," I say with a small voice. I lift my head slightly and see that Marvin is staring at me with wide, slightly curious, eyes. To my surprise, he shakes his head with a soft smile.

"You don't owe me anything. If you don't want to say anything, don't worry about it. If you do want to though, know that I won't judge you, however 'dumb' it may be," he replies calmly, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"I just miss... activity, you know? I feel lazy, like I'm just not doing enough," I whisper sadly.

"You're not inactive though! You do so much for me, Jason, and pretty much everyone else, albeit indirectly. You're certainly not lazy, Whiz."

"No. You don't get it. Not metaphorically inactive. It's more a... physical inactivity. For example, I love racquetball but it's not like I could ever do that again. Not with the whole being dead thing," I say with a tinge of frustration.

"Whizzer..."

"Let me finish," I snap, taking a shaky breath. "I'm just so... done with it all. And there's nothing I can do about it because I am already dead! It's not like I can just stop this feeling. I'm sorry, Marvin, but I can't." The last comment I make is the last straw for me. I break into harsh sobbing once more, dropping my head on his chest, holding onto his shirt like a lifeline. He gently strokes my back, saying nothing but relaxing me nonetheless. After a while, he cups my cheek with his hand and lifts my head so that I have no choice but to look at him. I don't resist, but frankly I am too tired to do so anyways.

"Hey, I'm sorry that you feel like this. Maybe if you're up to it, we could go on a jog later. I know it's not quite racquetball, but it's something. I love you, and it hurts me to see you like this. Maybe one day we could act it out or something?" Marvin says earnestly, gazing at me calmly. I laugh a bit at the prospect of us running around and pretending to play racquetball. I mean, who does that? It's not like we're actors or anything. Despite the ridiculousness of that suggestion, I find myself nodding slightly. It could actually be fun.

"Okay, we can try that," I reply with a faint smile, finding that my sour mood is gradually dissipating.

"There he is. There's the Whizzer I know and love!" he says, squeezing my cheeks a bit. I worm out of his grip, now laughing hysterically.

"Stop!" I cry, and he eventually lets me put my head down again. "Okay, I think I'm okay now."

"Good. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't. Now go to sleep."

"Okay, okay," I say, closing my eyes. I have a feeling that things will be a bit better from here on out.

Um so I kind of just BS ed the ending because I originally wrote this on an airplane as a vent because I was unable to dance due to injuries. But now I'm able to go back (well technically starting in September) but STILL!!! So yay! So I'm not really sad anymore. That's also why I gave it a happy ending. Well anyways, I was gone for a bit cause of business but now I'm back so yay! Also!!!! I'm seeing Book of Mormon, Starkid Homecoming, and possibly Heathers next week so also more busy. I'll be on here when I can. Love you all! ~ Whizzer