March - Falsettos Oneshots

Damaged

Why did I do this to myself? I don't know. I cried a lot while writing it. And writing in past tense is so incredibly difficult for me, but I managed to do it anyways! Well I hope you enjoy this as much as you can. ~ Cassie

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts & actions (I'm sorry)

I am incredibly thankful to have Mendel in my life. At this point in time, he has saved me more times than I can count, even more so in the past few days. Without him, I would probably be buried with Whizzer, whose funeral occurred yesterday. My life is certainly not perfect. It's messy and complicated, but it's mine, and I'm stuck with it. Whether I want to be or not.

The day after Whizzer's death was one of the hardest and most painful times in my life. I never wanted to care about him, but somehow I let myself get attached to him. Although I certainly didn't care for him to the extent that Marvin did, it was still incredibly difficult for me to move on, and I almost never did.

I had woken up alone, with no trace of Mendel or Jason other than a note left on the bed, claiming that Jason had an early baseball practice, probably so that he could take his mind off of the loss of his best friend, and that they would be back later. I knew that this event had nothing to do with me, but I couldn't help but think that I was left out. I had this overwhelming feeling that no one cared about me and that no one would even notice if I followed in Whizzer's footsteps. I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed, let alone get breakfast, but I forced myself to move. Despite my efforts, I was entirely unable to eat anything due to an overwhelming feeling of nausea that left me feeling like my stomach was trying to eat me from the inside out, clawing at my insides and tearing me apart.

Fighting back the tears, I rushed to the bathroom, but though it only took a few minutes, it felt like it had taken hours. My body moved slowly and dragged on, as though it was being held back by a thick layer of molasses. Once I finally reached my destination, I collapsed on the floor by the toilet, sobbing. I didn't quite know why I was crying, but it was hard not to when everything that brought structure to my life was suddenly ripped away from me by the death of someone I didn't care much for. In my mind I knew that tragedies happen. That I couldn't do anything about it even if I wanted to. And with that I decided that I didn't want to try any more. Not to fix things, not to believe that everything will be alright... not to live.

I pushed myself to my feet with a choked sob and swung open the medicine cabinet, rapidly searching for the one thing I have that will help me out. I pulled out a small box that no one would think anything of if it were to be stumbled upon. I slid it open and pulled out what I was looking for and gripped it tightly.

The cold metal of the scalpel woke me up as I thought of the gravity of the situation and what I was about to do. I turned the small object slightly and stared as the blade caught the small amount of light coming from underneath the door, glinting brightly and causing me to hesitate for a little bit. Distracted by the light, I didn't notice when Mendel arrived back home with Jason until he knocked on the door. Startled out of my trance, I dropped the scalpel, and it fell to the ground, grazing my wrist. I stared in shock as I saw scarlet emerge from the wound, dripping to the ground and creating a small puddle. I heard the door open behind me, along with Mendel's gasp, but I remained numb, unable to tear my eyes away from the evidence of what I tried to do. I didn't resist as my husband took my wrist and carefully wrapped it in gauze. I didn't stop him from kissing me softly and telling him that it would be fine, that I would be fine.

But despite his reassurances, I couldn't bring myself to believe him. Thinking back on it now, I realize that the little glimpse of light had saved my life.

Several days later, I was in a similar state. I thought that my world had ended. That there was nothing left for me. Jason would be fine without one of his parents. After all, he has plenty of those to go around.

I was left alone, again. After having several sessions with Mendel, he finally thought that I would be okay on my own for about an hour, as he had a new client and couldn't come back home. Jason was with Marvin for the weekend, and the lesbians were busy, so I was truly alone. I spent the day lying on the couch, staring up at the chandelier and the fan, mindlessly watching as the fan constantly spun around and around, never stopping but never changing. It continued doing the same thing every day, but even the fan had more of a purpose than I did. I turned to glance at the attic door. I knew we had a rope in there somewhere...

After a couple attempts, I managed to pull the cord holding the door closed and release the ladder. Shakily, I grabbed the first step and started climbing, thankfully finding the rope right away. Hopping down from the attic, I walked into the kitchen to grab a stool and drag it to a place just underneath the chandelier. I stepped up onto the stool and proceed to start tying the rope. I succeeded with practiced ease, securing it to the light above. It was probably strong enough to hold my weight. I slid my head through the loop and took a deep breath. Closing my eyes, I shifted my weight and-

"Trina!" I heard someone screech. I snapped my eyes open and looked to where the voice came from. Mendel was standing at the door with Jason, who was sobbing harshly and hiding in his chest. "Trina, please don't do this. We love you and need you here. Come on, he can't lose another parent."

"And why not?" I snapped back. "You don't need me. You would be so much better off if I were gone. And I don't know how much longer I can just pretend that everything's okay. It's not!"

"You think I don't know that? You don't have to pretend you're okay. Let's please just talk about this. Please." I hesitated for a second, unsure if I should listen to him or not. I was so close to doing it, but the thing that really stopped me was Jason.

"Mom. Please don't leave me," he said, staring up at me, eyes wet with tears.

My heart broke a little at the sight, prompting me to unwrap the noose and hop down, tackling my boys into a hug. This time, Jason was my light, my reason to keep on living.

Last night was the first time that I let my drinking problem out of hand. The funeral was over, and I let the sadness overcome me yet again. I decided to drink some wine, but soon one glass turned to two turned to the entire bottle and then some. At a certain point, Mendel practically ripped the bottle out of my hand with a concerned expression. As he stepped back, I turned and vomited into a nearby trash can, suddenly feeling incredibly nauseous.

"How much did you drink?" he asked, attempting to hold me still as I began shaking a bit.

"Just a couple bottles," I slurred, with my words being barely coherent.

"Trina, that much could kill you!"

"Good!"

"Are you serious? This is the third time in... I don't know how long. Look, I'm going to call an ambulance just to be safe. You are not dying on me, okay?" Mendel mutters, voice wavering to reveal the tears that were starting to form. He strode over to the phone that connected to the wall and rapidly dialed the number. As he talked, my world began to fade to an eventual darkness.

"Trina? Trina?! Come on, stay with me. No, no, no! Come on, please!"

And now it's the next day, and I am sitting in the hospital with Mendel and Jason by my side. Mendel somehow got Charlotte to be my doctor, so she comes in and out of the room to check on me as well. As I lie there thinking about my past actions, Mendel crouches beside me, holding me as if I could slip away at any moment. His grip is full of love and care, and at this point, I can't think of a single reason I could have possibly thought that he didn't love me. Jason sits in a chair he pulled up right next to the bed and holds my hand, appearing to be thrilled that I am still with him. No matter what I thought before, I am here with my family, and this is where I belong.

Um yeah so this hurt. I cried so much while writing the Jason bit in the chandelier scene. I hope this is good because I'm not used to writing stuff this deep. This was based on several of the lines from the show, particularly "Trina would be hanging from a chandelier" (from the original version) and "I've a scalpel up my sleeve" so yeah. Again, I apologize.