Philophobia

The Broken

I don't know how long I lay there thinking about the previous day, I don't even know why I cared that he wanted me back or why I was even thinking about it but I do know that either way whether I wanted him back or not it made my chest hurt and tears burn my eyes. I felt like the world was crashing down around me it was like a repeat of when I found out he cheat, then I remembered the first day when he asked me out. My mind flashed back to when he first held my hand, asked me out and the first time I felt his lips on mine every memory even the painful ones came back and I found myself choking on a sob. My heart constricted painfully in my chest, it hurt so much that I wished death would come upon me. A cry tore itself from my throat and tears streamed down my face as an endless string of thoughts unraveled in my mind.

What did I do to deserve this pain?

Why did I have to relive my worst moments and give him the satisfaction of hurting me? Why me?

But I guess I knew why all along I wasn't good enough for him, and I was fool who fell for his tricks so my punishment for being so easily manipulated was to live in pain, only question was could I take the pain, and could I handle anymore of seeing him with someone else? Probably not but them again who could. The funny thing is how depressing this is, I was never this way until he broken me, I swore I'd never let a guy change me and since I broke that promise and let all my walls down for someone I thought I could trust, so really I set myself up to be hurt and rejected, meaning I did this to myself. I'm the problem. I'm in my own way. I should end it, my suffering I should end it. I should pick up the silver, glinting in the darkness of my room and end my pain but I didn't have the heart to leave the ones who loved me behind I didn't want to cause them pain I-I just wanted to end mine.

But was it worth my release if I still had to watch them suffer? No it wasn't

Was there a way for all of us to be happy? No there wasn't

So I'll just have to endure the pain. I'll endure everything that he's put me through like I've been doing. I know for a fact that he knows how much it's hurting me but he just doesn't care he loves see me squirm, an I hate him for it. I hate him for hurting me. I hate him for making me love him. I hate him for breaking his promises. I hate him for breaking me. And I hate him for everything he's done, I hate with everything I am but somewhere deep inside I know that I love him for as many reasons that I hate him. Well no I don't love him I love who he was in the beginning who he used to be I don't love him.

Philophobia symptom 3-

The inability to let go and having thoughts of self blame and harm

A/N

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