Philophobia

Why me?

The weekend was unbearable I thought that I could push the pain away as that somehow I wouldn't wish he was there comforting and I was in his arms, and everything would be fine all the pain would go away and things would go back to the way they were. He consumed all my thoughts and where liked it or not he had my heart.

Now I had to return to hell and all I could hear was Du-Dum Du-Dum Du-Dum I felt my heart beating against my chest as I walked down the halls of the dreaded high school word had gotten around about what happened between me and Dylan and let's just say some people weren't giving me pretty stares. I don't understand why I had to deal with the repercussions of his actions, I'm not being unfair I just refuse to be hurt again is that so wrong lost in my own thoughts I didn't notice much of the world around me until I felt myself falling I closed my eyes and waited for the impact but it never came I slowly opened my eyes and there a mere few inches from my face where a pair of stormy grey eyes that held such a intensity that I felt smothered with it. I could feel the pressure on my lower back where his hands up and my stomach did a flip (ahh crap not this not now) I was temporarily distracted by the black hair shielding my left eye as I tried to focus on anything except the guy that cradled me in his arms but I couldn't because his hand grazed my cheek as he tucked the strand behind my ear and let's just say sparks flew. I studied him engraving his memory into my mind his rosy pink lips, lightly tanned skin, honey brown hair that darkened at the ends and sharp features all stuck out like a sore thumb in this school he was handsome to say the least and fit I could feel his muscles tense beneath me as I met his gaze I don't know what passed between us but what ever it was I wanted to send it back. The mystery guy set me on my feet silently picked up the books I had dropped, handed them back to me and walked away without so much as a hello. I felt a little empty without his presence but it's not like I wanted this feeling back I didn't want it to be like last time I didn't want to be revived at least not this way I thought while, intently staring at the ground my hair creating a veil between me and everyone else. I looked up to find Dylan watching me eyes furious but his features sad and disappointed, there was a sharp pang in my heart and my anger flared up again as I remembered why I didn't want to feel alive again and also when I noticed once again the hold he still had on me, I glared at him hoping he got the message I was done with him with this whatever there WAS between us. However him being him walked over to me his jaw set as he ground words out of his mouth.

"What. Was. That." he said dangerously

"What's it to you" i asked innocently but the edge was clear in my voice as I started walking away but he grabbed my arm spinning me around with force I felt a pop in my shoulder and he squeezed my arm cutting off the circulation as he spoke

"It has everything to do with me Your. Mine." he finished as his voice lowered into a growl.

"I'm not yours nor will I ever be" I replied calmly trying to hide my fear as I tried to snatch my arm away from him grip which only caused him to grip my harder and with that pain courses through me and I cried out

"You where once and you will be again" he answered darkly unfazed by my cry of pain and everyone around us pretended not to hear it either at this point tears brimmed in my eyes and threatened to spill over I could feel the blood trying to reach the other side of my arm and fighting the current as it was cut off

"No I wont, don't you understand that I can't be with someone who keeps hurting me" I whispered through the tears his grip loosened and I took the opportunity to remove my arm from his death grip and run the other way past the front doors out to my car and slid down against it and let the tears flow I saw someone through the blur of the thick current of salt water that flowed from my eyes.

"Is this what you wanted Dylan to see me break because if so then your worse than I thought just leave the shows over" I choked the figure sat beside me

"Hun your in no condition to be alone do you mind if I sit with you?" the thick accent of the stranger calmed me a little as the warmth of it wrapped around me it scared me and comforted me at the same time.

"I don't mind" I sniffled

I pulled myself together a few minutes later and looked at the stranger who just sat beside me in silence.

"You let it all out" he asked meeting my

eyes I instantly remembered those grey orbs and I nodded as they hypnotized me "good any guy would be an idiot to make a girl as pretty as you cry he said it like no big deal but it made my heart flutter

God this isn't happening please no please please please take this curse back please I don't want it I can't handle the strain I can't handle any of this. This feeling, this pain all of it will kill me in the end I wanted to run the other way up into the hills and never look back I wanted to cry to scream I wanted him to leave and never look back but my heart pained for this stranger and my head wouldn't let me voice those words, and before I knew it I was lost in the sound of his voice.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked

"No" I said my voice was small

"Are sure I wouldn't mind hearing your story, just let me help you even if it's not in a big way" he said and from the look in his eyes I could tell he was being sincere and I don't know what happened but it was as if I was compelled to tell him exactly what was going on and honestly that scared me more than anything.

I looked him in the eyes as I explained the situation not once did he judge me and I didn't see pity in his eyes I saw understanding I relaxed a little so absorbed in the picture perfect memories of my past as they morphed into the nightmare of my present.

SYMPTOM 4- the lingering of old feelings, and battles with ones self that end with you at your wits end