Breathing

Chapter Nine

I find myself thinking one thought countless times, I always wonder the answer to my question and I rethink my whole life and everything I could have done to avoid this, but I really couldn't have. I try as hard as I can to get out of my subconscious asking this one burning question that always floats in my mind and that question is the same question I thought about with Evan since I was old enough to talk. Evan and I would sometimes talk about it, both wondering, I can't bear to think about it anymore, so I distract myself, I turn on my computer and go to Facebook. The picture that pops up when I get on the site, is a picture of Mai and Danielle at a pool, I can't stand it, if Mai is just trying to annoy me, it's working. The caption is more horrifying than the picture:

"At the pool with my #bestie" Did mom and dad even know about Danielle going to the pool? I go to Mai's Facebook page as my cursor hovers over Unfollow, I press down on my trackpad and it goes through, I have officially unfollowed Mai, and for one second, my life feels somehow normal.

* * *

I realize that I'll have to face Alex sometime so I might as well do it now before I know my consequence of sneaking out when I was clearly told to stay here. I walk down the hall to room 235 and knock on the door. I saw Alex look through the window, he's crying? He wipes his tears but it's still pretty clear that something's wrong. I knock again and he looks at me straight in the eye, he looks away, I need to apologize and give him an explanation about everything that's been going on with me. I turn the doorknob and open the door.

"I owe you an explanation." I say, not able to make eye contact.

"You know what, Lexi, you do, you really do." He says, his voice getting angrier with every word. I look up at him, take a deep breath and start speaking.

"When I was only seven years old, I lost my older brother, that's a very hard thing to recover from." I say honestly, it's the most honest thing I've said in awhile. I told Alex. everything I wanted to tell him, but I kept personal things to myself. Alex looks at me with his I'm-Mad-But-I-Can't-Help-Giving-You-A-Chance face, the face that he gave me when he picked up that day when I found his phone.

"How did you lose him?" he asks, and so I respond, wanting to tell him nothing but the truth.

"I lost him to Cystic Fibrosis, I need you to be careful, can you do that for me?" He looks down, taking a deep sigh.

"Is this what it's all been about? You sneaking out, being mad at me and having that breakdown?" I think about that question. I've always missed Evan, but Alex triggered my emotions to miss him more. Sneaking out was not like me at all, was it because of Evan? Was it because I needed a distraction from him?

"Nothing that I did was like me and that was one of many explanations," I start to ramble on.

"I was stupid and I'm sorry and I'm wishing for him back and I'm scared for y-" Alex interuppts me, but not with words. He leans in slowly until we're nose to nose, he tilts his head to the side and leans in closer until his lips are against mine. He slowly pulls away and I kiss him back. After the kiss ends, Alex says the cheesiest line possible.

"Your lips feel exactly how I imagined them." I start laughing hysterically and he laughs with me. I find myself wondering the same thought once again.

"What if everything were normal?"