hidden || c.l √

一

2pm

i'm scared of bad reactions. what if he can't remember. or he doesn't even want to remember. what if i really have feelings... no i don't. he's my best buddy. i can't have feelings for him.

too many questions. too few answers.

exactly on this day a year ago it happened.
and I still can't sleep because of that night.

he entered the cafe and all eyes are on him. no wonder. he is truly beautiful. "hello changbinie", the younger boy said with a big smile. "hey lixie", i
answered still amazed by him, "you look really good today." "awe thank you", felix replied while sitting down on a chair in front of me.

some minutes passed and we ordered a coffee and a caramel machiato. "soo... why did you want to talk with me", the blonde boy asked. "uhm lixie... there is something we did and it was probably wrong and a big mistake. but i really need to talk about that with you", i started and tried not to break out in tears. "heyy, binnie. you can tell me like.. everything that's on your mind. you know that i won't tell that anyone. i know you since i'm five."

i breathed one last time, before speaking up:"ok shit uhm.. it's fine if you can't remember, like... i couldn't remember for a long time either. it's just that... i'm scared. scared to loose you." i started crying. i couldn't stand it. i wanted to say something but every time i tried to, my voice cracked completely and my tears fell even faster. "binnie? use your words, hm?", he said in a deep and calm voice, while caressing my hand. God damn, he makes me go crazy. "y-you know that night, when we were drunk and played video games?", i asked carefully. he smiled. "which one?" "t-the one where we...", my voice cracked again. my hands started shaking, and he noticed. "changbin? you're making me worried." "no no, y-you don't need to be worried! i ment the night were we.. made out and.. y-you.. you could remember.. so i had to tell you what happened."
"c-continue...", felix said. "i.. didn't tell you the whole truth about the night." "hey, i-it's fine. it's none of a big deal. you can tell me now." his deep voice was just perfect. "we.. we had.. our f-first time this night...", i said and my eyes began to burn, but i was not the only one who was crying. "binnie.. you.. that is.. n-not possible.. i-i have a girlfriend.. you know that." "please felix.. let me speak out." "I'm sorry." "l-lixie...", i started with a shaky voice, still with tears in my eyes. my whole face was probably red as fuck. "i c-can even tell you every detail... l-like you topped a-and we used lube.. we d-didn't use condoms.. so you came inside me.. and i came first, with really shaky legs... you were so caring.. i- i'm sorry..", i said and just ran outside the cafe. i mean i wanted to... but he stopped me. "please changbin. i-" he probably wanted to tell me, that he is not gay.. for real... "no felix, i-i want to be alone." i said and walked away... real quick. i just wanted to be alone.