hidden || c.l √

四

pov felix

1pm

i wanted to find a way, how i can show my love without being in in relationship. but i couldn't. i wanted to call binnie, but apparently he's already calling someone. i can try it in 20 minutes... or i can give up...

pov changbin

1pm

"h-hyunjin?", i started nervously. "i- i am so sorry for yesterday. and.. and i don't want to h-hurt you.. but i- i think we should forget it.. i- i know you like me more than friends normally do... and i really like.. and appreciate you.. and our friendship.. but we can't be together.. it's too hard for me these days and i don't really know what to do.." all the time hyunjin was not saying anything and it took a while till he said something. "i-it's fine.. i know that you love felix. i can't control your feelings. but i just want to tell you, that i love you, even tho you don't love me back-" "but i really love you.. just not in that kinda way.." silence. he was thinking of something. i know he was. i just couldn't tell about what. "do you still have any cigarettes in your house?", he asked carefully. he probably didn't want to say anything wrong. "nope.. you destroyed every single one yesterday..", i responded. "good. you better stop that shit."

felix called me 18 times last night. we should talk. talk about a lot. "h-hello", felix said with a cracking voice. i know this pitch, he sounded like he cried this night. one day we talked on the phone the whole night, just because he had problems with his girlfriend. why isn't he just gay? so unproblematic and easy. he would never have problems with me... i mean other boys. "lixie?", i asked carefully. "no no, please binnie i'm sorry. hear me out! i- i can't...", he muttered and he started breathing irregularly. "meet me at the cafe in 30 minutes", i said and ended the call.

i was nervous. i don't know why, but i really wanted to look good today so i changed my clothes 7 times to find a good outfit and brushed my teeth 2 times. safety first.

and here we go again. at the cafe. 5 minutes to early. my hands are shaking. i wiped the sweat of my forehead away. i think i'm gonna collapse very soon. i entered the cafe and sat down on a chair, which was pretty much near the corner of the room.

i didn't need to wait long, and there he is. the man of my drea- felix. it's felix. his eyes where red and puffy, like his lips. he looked as if he had not slept in a long time. "hey", he said with a husky voice. "h-hi." "why did you want to meet me?", he questioned. he sounded so tired and weak. i looked into his puffy eyes, which were perfect, even tho he probably cried the whole night. "i-i think we should talk." "before you start i just want to say i'm sorry. so fucking sorry. and i trust you. i just couldn't believe i had my first time with you, and not with my g-girlfriend... and that sounds so weird... but i-i love you... and i hope you know that binnie." my eyes were glossy. very glossy. and i knew i was about to cry. "i- felix... i just d-don't want anyone to break my heart again. don't say that... it just hurt me. please don't say "i love you", say that to someone you really love and you want him... i mean her to be your girlfriend." "binnie... you don't understand me... i really love you."