J A M M E D

#1 21

🎶Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to me!🎶

Time runs so fast and here I am, the same age of a fully grown human male species. Funny cause in person I look like the opposite of those numbers. Screw Asian blood! But other than that and my hatred of getting old.

At 4:13 pm on July 29, 1998, a tiny hairy little monkey was born. Not my fault that my gene mutation is not perfect. It's been 21 years and I got no job, just relying on my savings account, and a few singing gigs. I feel worthless. Maybe not but that's what I feel most of the time.

You see back when were young, our teachers or our elderly people told us that after we graduate from the different educational level, we will be professionals or working on our respective chosen fields and that we will marry someone who looks like Leonardo De Caprio and will raise a family and live happily ever after, the end. And Oh, What a dream would it be. Not until the magic mirror breaks. Damn, the princess I'm seeing is not even that close. It's a hell of a damsel in distress.

We are so spoonfed with unicorns and rainbows when reality sucks.

People say "Dream!" Now I hear different sounds of agony coming from my friends tired of working. Grumble from my parents if I've got anything to do other than watching Netflix. The daily shit-talking from my brothers. What else do I've got? Ahh, the Budots music coming from my noisy neighbors.

Shame I had to grow up. *that didn't happen, the growing part*

Well, we have different stories about why we are in this phase of our lives. But one thing is true, the faults belong to ourselves. Believing life is chocolate when it's totally a coffee. We could never be prepared for our future. We could never know what would actually happen. When you think of your dreams, some of it isn't really yours. It's your parents', your friends'. And one major problem is we keep dreaming with our eyes closed.

Honestly, in the past couple of weeks just thinking about another year of demise and maybe a few drops of sweet sprinkles made me crazily mad. I'm even more afraid of my future.

Before all I dreamed is to become a teacher. High school came and I'm thinking of becoming a professional artist. During college with me not being happy with my major, I want to be a veterinarian. And due to my depression, I had to stop attending class cause it's slowing down my health and well-being. I wanted to be someone. But all those I wanted don't want me at the moment.

After a year of recovering some of my pieces, a friend found me a job. That pays enough and is clearly good for some of my gifts, singing, and charm *lol* It was easy at first cause I love being compassionate of my work. Yet here comes pressure. When you're all about passion but your coworkers only think of the gain, the money. Because of needs and vices. They turn into a sea full of toxic spills. Instead of singing songs with your heart, you sing because you are paid to. Because it's the reason why they hired you. That instead of being good to one another, you're weighing down people's energy. My now then anxieties definitely started there. So I quit.

Depression? Anxiety? Got them.
However, here I am. And 21 is still young. There's still time to figure out who I will be. Who I really am. It would take a lot of time and it's okay. It will be. There's hope. Friends. Family. I have a Deity. A Great God who gives me free will to discern my fate. Free will to embrace the goodness in bad times. So many times I may have taken a step back. But I couldn't do it without my steps forward.

21 is an age of trying. Trying things like writing this. To dream big again, now with the applied reality of course. To face the day, not with those dumb things you found in a movie, or on a book. To run back on the crazy game called life knowing it's not a race. To live again. That it is okay to cry and feel sad about yourself. But do not torment yourself for too long. I've learned it the hard way *still had a lot of stories to share soon 😅* That all I need is to go with the flow what course of the river may take me. I don't need to paddle too hard. Just be there at the moment.

I guess it's time to blow the dust of the past years. No need for a cake, being alive is enough validation to celebrate. A happy birthday it is to you, Jam. Love yourself cause you may not have all the things in the world. But you'll always have yourself. In God's time, I promise you'll truly be happy. Have patience. And continue to be kind.

~♥~