J A M M E D

#6 Loving You, Loving Me

I didn't know what real love is. I never knew that I could even love. The Love I knew was only from our Great God, that it's unconditional and incomparable. But love from your creator and from a human person is totally different. With people come and go, it's confusing what's real and what's not. What is and what so? So, I never really learn to love what is socially acceptable.

In our family, we're not affectionate. Our love is absurdly oblivious. We care in the most unusual way. Dysfunctional family as I call it.

With my friends, I don't know if I love them because they make me happy. Or I love them because they were there when my family's not enough to fill me with emotional needs.

Maybe that's why I have a lot of circle of friends as I ripe into my current age because I don't know what I needed. I don't know the answers to my questions. Funny cause I don't even know the list of questions in the first place.

I lack a lot of commodities in my life. That I wander far from where I was. But deep inside I know I wasn't lost. I know I was getting there.

And I think I have already arrived to pick up some of the pieces of the puzzle. 'Some' because I'm still discovering the nature of love. 

I guess I'm blessed because someone has loved me before I even love him. I remember the first time he said he loves me, I don't know if he's waiting for me to say it in return. Then he says he just wanted to say it, no matter what would happen in our courtship.

Even when I said yes to be his girlfriend, I didn't say it back when he told me again he loves me. Savage, I know. Probably because I was still in the stage of denying my feelings. Cause giving in easily to the truth, it would only mean I would be defenseless. But then I learned that it is okay to be weak. To be vulnerable to your emotions. That it is more humane to embrace weaknesses.

You probably heard a lot of the phrase 'before you love someone, you should love yourself first'. I'm not saying it is wrong but how about those who don't know how and what's love?

You cannot give what you don't have. There are things that can only be learned when it's taught. There are things that can only be open with the use of a key. And I think it's true that heart can be taught to love. Deep inside, I know there is love in every each of us that is waiting for someone to unlock and free it. It requires a lot of waiting but I think it's worth the wait.

To love isn't just striding in life. It's more of a journey in the dark but you're not alone. You have somebody with. Much easier than you isolated in an illuminated road. Cause, not all things are to be seen, touch, taste, hear, some are to be felt by the heart. And maybe that's why I learned to love whole-heartedly because it's not just me who's frightened of what's about to come. He has fears but he showed his susceptibility. We're both weak yet by accepting both our imperfections, we build a strong team. Our frailties became our strengths. What the other's lacking, the other fills in. We have each other's *not literally* back, good or bad.

In the process of loving someone, I gain clarity and serenity about who and what I truly am. I realize who's my real friends, who really cares. Cause someone made me feel worthy. Again it's not about validation, but when someone made you feel like you deserve everything and treated you so well, you'll know who's credible in your life.

Being loved, I learned to be in love. In love more with God, with the world, with the blessings and graces that are bestowed upon me, with the good people, and in love with myself.

Their love may vary from God's love but those love are fragments of His love for us. These people I have in my life are instruments of love. Now I feel more fortunate and valued knowing that there are great things we could get about love. And to you, I hope you'll find the love you deserve.

~♥~