J A M M E D

#3 My Angel

Exodus 23:20
See, I am sending an angel before you to protect you in your journey and lead you safely to the place I have prepared for you.

Since our parents are occupied on attending our needs putting almost all of their time in their business. During high school, our parents decided to allocate a room on our store for them to stay in cause the travel from our house to our city capital is much of a hassle. So they barely visit us. The only time they go home is if they need clean clothes or if they have groceries to leave us to. I liked our setting even though I miss my parents sometimes. Even if we have to tend for ourselves. I feel like a free person after that. No parents, no rules as I would like to say before. This continued until my mother gave birth to our baby sister. It was the second semester of my first year in college.

I was still adjusting to a lot of changes. Dealing with loss. New environment. A lot of strangers. Making friends. Being nice. Try not to look nervous. Hormonal change. Keeping up with the standards. Trying to be happy.

In all honesty, when my papa said mama is pregnant I was a little angry. I hate babies with their crying and pooping. And if I like your baby that is I do favorites. Or just because they are cute.

Before the baby was born I did wish for a baby brother because the sibling next to me became a gay guy which is totally okay for me. It's just I want a brother to play with the type of games I like. Like guns, archery, balls some that my gay brother doesn't play. Turns out it just looks like a baby boy. And yeah, the baby is a gal. Due to some complications, she had to stay in the hospital for a week. Mama would just visit her when it's time for her to breastfeed.

And when the baby arrived in the house, another adjustment had to be done. Another change added to the list. And with a lot of burden on my back, it became too much. Everything hurts that everything feels so numb. Like it's hurting and emotionally painful on the inside but it's too much that it felt really nothing.

It came to the point where the thought of killing myself lingers every time I'm alone. To stop everything. To stop time. My time. To stop the agony. My pandora box is about to blow up. I know the monster inside will first eat myself wholly and If I can't learn to keep them any longer it will be the death of me.

But then when I heard Zhariene first laugh I knew she's no ordinary person.

She gives me a reason to fight back my everyday battles. Every time I feel like giving up, she is there to make me smile and laugh. The cutest thing is while I was writing this entry, I was also playing with Zha². She's my daily dose of happiness. And if keeping myself alive means keeping her safe. Then I will stay for how long my life will take.

They say that if the strong ripples of the water flash you away, there's a chance you'll be lost and gone for good. Yet every story is different. Mine was a hurricane and it floods me along with the current. I saw a wooden log big enough for me and I swam for it. The chaos kept pouring but the log keeps me afloat, steady and safe. It saved me. She saved me. It is true that no one can save us other than our own selves. But if you let others help you in your trek, it will be an easy hike.

Thank you, Zhanoy! Ate loves you 💕

~♥~