NOAH

Ch. 31

Chapter 31

My curls whip around my head as the wind blows, my moistened cheeks trapping many strands against their frost. A sweet cinnamon scent wafts into my nostrils, causing my bile to sway with the waves before me. The only thing worse than losing Noah, is memories of him, memories of us together.

I must be available for some kind of award. Some form of congratulations on losing Noah and my mother in record time. That was impressive, even for me.

"I fucking hate you!" I scream to no one as my legs buckle underneath me.

My palm smacks against eternally saturated sand as I collapse to the floor. Slush spreads between my fingers as I dig towards the sea. My own salty stream creates a wet path towards my hand, pooling in the wrinkles of my skin as my last true companion before leaking into the sand. Leaving me all alone, a place I know very well.

I take in a breath as my body relaxes into the frostbitten sand, the sea lapping at my wrist. Tiny pebbles grate underneath my nail bed as I clench the world below me, my sobs ruining the minor relaxation of before.

"I hate you."

And as images of what took place earlier invade my thoughts, I slither into the arctic sea. My arms push backwards, propelling my body further away from shore. She never once looked for me.

I shake my head as the sea's polar bite skews the perception of my thoughts, alongside the perception in my limbs. My skin cries out, each shift in motion equivalent to a thousand needles piercing at once. I hinder my doggy paddles as my arms grow heavier, my legs locking at the knee.  I convulse, gurgling as crisp ocean water streams down my throat. The world around me now a colorful smear as my breathing morphs into panicked pants. I gotta get out of here.

"Someo-" More water rushes into my throat, my own words choking me. My eyes widen as I search for Blake, hoping that he's walking along the shore, Noah beside him. But, no one is there.

No one is coming.

I've pushed them all away. Noah, Blake, and Cherry are a package deal. If I've ruined my relationship with Noah, I've surely killed it with them, too. No one is left.

I'm going to die alone out here.

I'm never going to see Noah again.

Not unless you get your ass out of this water.

My limbs cry out as I raise them up, the task proving difficult as I slink underwater, my curls drying immediately despite the water. My nostrils flame, a pinching sensation reverberating in the back of my skull as a drip of water slides into my nostrils. My arms flail as my panic induces an stimulated mobility, pushing towards the shore.

"Oh my God!" I cry out, choking and sputtering as the water releases from my mouth, a string of snot dangling from my nostrils.

I push off the ground, the bones in my legs feeling as if they could shatter at any moment. My foot nicks a rock as I rush up the hill, puncturing the fresh whitened skin of my palm as I steady myself on top of it. I watch as blood seeps from it, melting a sting into the area around it, the wound itself still no feeling.

Droplets of my DNA create a pathway behind me as I rush towards the house. Many concerned eyes, and hushed voices accompany me, but I don't care. I don't give a fuck about any of these people.

I sigh as Danielle's front door comes into view. I don't think I have the heart to explain what happened to Blake. I don't think I'm ready for him to hate me. But, when I open the door, the only person I have to deal with is Danielle. I guess he already found out.

Her eyes narrow as she spots my drenched figure leaking water in her doorway. "What the hell?! You don't have the decency to dry yourself off before you come home?!"

I stare at her for a second before stalking up to my bedroom. Fuck her.

I slam my door shut, the impact rumbling through the entire house. My hands grip the bottom of my shirt, ripping it from my body. It thwacks against the wood before slowly sliding to floor in a soggy blue heap. I tug at my curls, stands surely ripping from my scalp as I look around for something else to throw.

The blocks of ice inside my shoes, guide me towards my desk. Nothing but a sheet of paper and a pen rest against the wood. I stare, my eyes fuzzing as two views turn into one, before sliding into the seat. My, now, fully conscious hand aches as I grip the pen, my words spilling out onto the paper. I pray they're as cold as she was when she sent me away, both times. She deserves nothing but my iciest words, icier than my barely conscious limbs.

Dear Michelle,

Do you think you're a good person for what you did? I bet you do. I bet you tell yourself everyday that it was the best thing to do. Sure, maybe Danielle was better back then to you. But, everyday that I remember is a day that she's let me know how much she didn't want me, doesn't want me. Yet, she kept me. Which is a lot more then I can say for you. I would never excuse her behavior. I fucking despise her. But, At least she's honest about being a diabolical self centered bitch. You're not hurt. You're not missing. You're not any of the things I cried my eyes out for. You're just a failure of a mother who made a selfish decision after another selfish decision. You put every consequence of your own adultery onto your very own flesh and blood. Now I see how you are related to Danielle. You hid behind a mansion and a rich husband while your two kids yearned to be with their little sister again. While your baby cried for you every night. I don't know how you live with yourself. And I can't find the reason why I ever wanted to find you.

Don't ever come looking for me. My name is Nicole, not Lettie, and I don't want YOU to find ME.

I relax into my seat, tapping the pen against my finger as I look down at the letter in front of me. I fold it as a icy rage flows into my soul, my eyes pooling with misery. I promise she will read these words, she will hear what I have to say if I have to put it in her mailbox myself.

I sniffle, grabbing another sheet of paper as a lone stream flows off my face, splashing onto the edge of the table. There's one last thing I need to write.

Dear Noah,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made your dad hurt you. I'm sorry for coming into your life and screwing it up. I miss you so much and I really like you. I like you so much I could even say I'm falling for you. But, I screw everything up. I always do. You cared about me. You gave me friends. You gave me something to do. You gave me my mom, even if she is a piece of shit. You gave me everything and I gave you nothing. I'd do anything to have you back. I'd do anything, Noah.

Yours truly,

Arcadia Raine.

I don't need to mail this one.