My Pain

Depression Part 2

Lil Eazy E POV

My cutting became worse. I started to cut all over my arms. I used to always wear sweaters so nobody would notice. My mother and my bestfriend shared a funeral. I couldn't keep my composure. I had started to scream and cry uncontrollably. My dad had to take me out the sanctuary a few times. My sister was also a crying mess. She tried to wake up our mom but she had to realize she was dead. After the funeral was over , my dad gave me and my sister a hug and comforted us . The burial was so HARD for me. I had felt the urge to cut all over my body or even KILL myself. Once I got home , I grabbed a knife and started to cut myself all over my body. I had cut my wrist so deep and it hurted me so bad. I was bleeding heavily. I was screaming as loud as I could and just crying so hard. My grandmother screamed in horror as she looked at me, with the bleeding cuts that were all over my body. She picked me up and put me in the car. She called my daddy and told him to meet us at the hospital. I was still crying in pain because my arm and my body was throbbing. My grandmother rushed in and the paramedics came. I was loosing so much blood. My shirt was soaked with blood. After the doctors finished taking care of my arm which they stitched up and my other cuts, they put me in ICU. My dad had came shortly after they put me in ICU, but I just didn't see him yet. The doctor told my family that my injuries were self - harm related. They also told them to talk to me about my problems and try keep cautious on me using sharp objects. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I felt like nobody wants me here. I felt that me cutting myself will make my family think I am crazy and they don't want anything to do with me. I mean I couldn't talk to anybody. Not even my dad during that time. I talked to my dad about everything, I mean everything. Even if it's embarrassing. I felt like my dad think I was going to think I'm a disappointment since he found out I was cutting myself. All I could do in that hospital bed is cry silently. I didn't want anyone to see me. After a while, my whole family came in. I couldn't even look at them. I felt so ashamed. I wanted to be alone . They tried to talk to me but I just told them I just wanted to be alone. People thought at that time since somebody died you have to move on. But the actual truth is moving on is not so easy. People talking about the situation so many times, that it kills you in the inside. My dad was the only one that didn't leave me alone even when I wanted him to. He just laid right beside and hugged me. I kinda had felt so sorta relief then but I knew I had to express my feelings somewhere. Keeping it bottled in wasn't gonna help. I just started crying silently and he kissed me and said " it's okay. I'm am here for you " He stayed with me the whole night.

Two days later, I came home from the hospital. I was still a little kind sore but my heart was still broken. I sat my stuff down in my room and came to the kitchen.My grandmother fix me breakfast and I ate. My grandparents had both sat at the table while I was eating and tried to talk to me. I keep telling them nothing wrong with me but they kept asking and asking me. They were starting to get angry with me. They were already disappointed in me because I had cut myself and going behind their back but they didn't even ask me why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I tried talking to them about how I was feeling but they weren't understanding me . They just kept telling me you will be fine but I was not fine. I was so broken. All my anger was building up and I let it loose. I screamed " LEAVE ME ALONE. I CUT MYSELF BECAUSE I FEEL ALONE. MY MOTHER AND MY BESTFRIEND JUST DIED OVER SOME STUPID PETTY ARGUMENT, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED. I TRIED TO TALK TO BOTH OF YA'LL BUT YA'LL WOULDN'T LISTEN. I CAN'T TALK TO ANYBODY. NOT EVEN MY OWN DAD. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I AM FEELING . I FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE WORLD JUST CAME CRASHING DOWN ON ME. EVERBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IT EVERDAY AND I CAN 'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I FEEL SO EMPTY. ALL THIS COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF YOU JUST LISTENED TO ME INSTEAD OF IGNORING WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU EVEN CARE RIGHT NOW. SO PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY OUTTA MY LIFE. I RATHER GO ACTUALLY KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW BUT I GUESS YOU WOULD IGNORE ME .....RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT I FINNA LEAVE AND DON'T TRY TO HUG ME OR TELL ME YOUR SORRY BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT ...... GOODBYE! I saw the shocked and guilt on their faces. At that point I didn't care. I ran out the house as fast as I could to my favorite place where me and my bestfriend would use to vent and have fun. I sat behind a tree and just cried as hard as I can. My heart was literally in pieces. My dad was the only one who knew about my favorite place. I was crying for 4 straight hours until I couldn't cry anymore. I was just reminiscing about memories of my bestfriend or my mother. I couldn't find the strength to smile. I couldn't find the strength to even laugh, which is something I always do. I just hung my head down and just started sobbing silently. I didn't have the strength to do anything but cry. My daddy had told me that same day, he came over my grandparents house to check up on me and saw my grandmother crying with my grandpa comforting her. He told me that my grandparents told him everything I said and he almost cried himself. He didn't say anything because he wanted me to say it. Okay so, back to the tree scene. I was sobbing silently and then I felt arms around me. I looked up and it was my dad. I looked back down because I was so ashamed. He then touched me gently on my chin and lifted up my head making me look in his eyes. He kissed my forehead and wiped my tears away with his thumb. He then said " look at me" I didn't do anything..... then he said it again " look at me baby.......please". I finally gained the strength to look at him. He said " I heard what grandma said about what you had said and I'm not mad. If I were you in I would have do the same thing. I'm not mad at what you did either if that's what you think. I just want you to talk to me. I hate seeing you like this. I want to see you smiling and laughing again like you always do. I promise you that you will feel so much better if you just talk to me. ....... Talk to me baby........ Please". I was ready to talk. I was tired of being sad all the time. Tired of being angry . I had to let it out. " Okay. When my mom and my bestfriend died, I felt so numb. I felt like I had gotten hit by a car. I was wondering what I did so wrong to deserve this. I had never did anything wrong or cruel to anybody so why me? I tried everything in my power to forget about what had happened but I couldn't. Their been times when all I could is cry or I didn't have any strength to cry. I feel so isolated and alone. I tried to talk to grandma and grandpa about it but they weren't understanding me. They ignored how I was feeling by saying " you will be fine"
but I'm not. They really had the nerve to get angry at me.That hurted me the most. I had lost trust to talk to anybody. Even you, because I was afraid nobody or even you wouldn't understand how I was feeling. People were taking about everywhere. On the news , on the internet, at school , even the neighbors or the people at the stores were talking about it. I couldn't take it anymore. I then started to cut myself and it became a huge problem. I wa cutting everywhere on my arms. That is why I wore sweaters even when it was hot. At the funeral, I felt so much agony. The burial was worse. I wanted to kill myself so bad because I was so tired of living. I felt like nobody wouldn't want me anymore or be around them. That's why I had cut myself so deep. I didn't wanted nobody to look at me because I was so ashamed. Dad I'm sorry that I cut myself. I hope you don't think I'm a disappointment or a disgrace. If you don't want me anymore ..... I understand. I felt a little bit better but was still completely hurt. My dad was kinda shock at what I said. I saw tears well up in his eyes. I turned away because I didn't wanna cry too. I felt so bad and guilty . I caused him so much pain because of me. I just started crying again saying ....." I'm sorry that I hurt you"...... He tightened his grip on me and hugged me tightly. We both just cried together until we couldn't anymore. We pulled ourselves together and my dad finally found the strength to talk. I looked in his eyes and he said " Eric..... I love you more than anything else in this world. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me . I don't ever want you to think that you are not wanted or even loved. Without you , their would be no happiness. You are my world and my heart. When I'm having a bad day , all you do is smile or laugh and you make it better. You make me smile when I'm sad.You saved me from being dead or in jail. You made me turn my life around and made me a better person. You are a true bIessing in my life.I promise you that you never hurt me. You was just scared and I get it. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I don't want you to think you are a disappointment. You are the best and incredibly strong. Most people would have gave up because of the same situation you are going through but baby you never gave up and you survived. I am extremely proud of you. I want you to talk to me about anything. I never want you to ever be afraid to talk to me. I want you to trust me, because I promised you daddy will never hurt you or leave you. I am always going to be here for you. I want you to promise me that you will never cut yourself again because that not the way. If you would have killed your self..... daddy would been miserable and hurt for the rest of his life. I don't have a life without you in it. I am working everyday the hardest because I want you to have better than what I had have. I give you what I don't have. I just want you to grow up and be the best that you can be. I never want you to fail in life. I want you to work hard in life and someday treat your woman like a Queen and your kids like princesses and princes. Without you , your brothers and sisters, I have nothing. Y'all are the most amazing kids I had ever seen. You have the most thickest skin ever and that's what I love most about. You are not scared to stand up for yourself or anybody. You are not a pushover like most people are. You are truly a miracle in my life. I know you lost your mother and your bestfriend, but baby .... no matter what, they are always gonna be with you, in your heart forever. They are gonna be watching over you always and forever. Just because a person dies doesn't me the love does. The love and memories are always gonna stay. The memories are gonna be your motivation to make them proud. They are always gonna love you. God puts his hardest and biggest battles on his strongest soldiers and you are one of them. You have so much strength for an 8 year old child which most adults would have gave up. You are never a burden in my life. The most important thing I want you to always know is that daddy loves you so much. Even when I'm dead and gone , daddy is always gonna love you. I promise you everything is gonna be ok. It's gonna be alright . Come here baby". I came closer to him and gave him the most biggest hug ever. He kissed my face softly. I felt so much better and so much relief. I felt hope again. I felt my strength come back. I felt so much new. Once we broke our hug and just smiled as big as I can and laugh full with joy. My dad's face lit up at my reaction. We both got up and went to my grandparents house. Once I went into the house, I ran and gave the a big hug . I told them I'm sorry that I yelled at them and they said that their the ones that should be sorry. We settled our differences and we were cool again. My life turned right back to normal for the rest of that year. I was so happy .