My Pain

Tragedy Strikes Part 1

Lil Eazy E POV

Okay. This is not easy to talk about. Every time I talk about it , I get so emotional because ever since March 26 , 1995, I had been dealing with ongoing excruciating pain, that can never be fixed. I try to stay strong everyday for my kids. Now I finna tell the story on my father's death. You all know that a lot of people say he died of HIV/AIDS but I don't believe it . So my dad had already been coughing since late 1994 but he hasn't had other unusual symptoms. His coughing gotten worse in early 1995. My dad was coughing a lot at Derrick's 7th birthday party but he still looked fine. My dad had gotten braids in his head in late 1994. A lot of people said that he had gotten smaller. I do kinda agree because he kinda lost like almost 60 pounds or 40 pounds. He kinda gotten smaller but still looked normal. He still act the same jokester , calm, laidback dad like he always was. In early 1995, he went to New York which was EXTREMELY cold . It was so cold that Ice Cube eyes were frozen. Ice Cube and my dad met at a club in New York and reconciliate. They were talking about getting NWA back together since he fired Jerry. They both agreed. My dad went off walking in the cold by himself for i don't know what reason. When my dad came back to Compton , the coughing has gotten worse. My dad has always had bad lungs because he was born with bronchitis. That's why his voice sounded the way it does. He had asthma but he told me he hadn't had a asthma attack since he was 7.  Well, my dad had started back having asthma attacks around the time his death. He would have inhalers and when he runs around with us, he would run out of breath. I remember when I was at his house and my dad was on the couch and he was laying down because he said he didn't feel good.Then out of no where, he had this crazy coughing attack and his coughs sounded were dry and painful. It was so crazy that he actually coughed up blood in the sink. I was like, " DADDY. Your bleeding should I call 911.  He said no , I will be fine. My dad had tears in his eyes because it hurted him so bad. He sat on the couch, with tears rolling down his face. I gave him a warm hug and he kissed my forehead. "Thank you baby. I love you". " I love you too dad. You should rest more dad, you are sick. The crazy thing is , you don't look sick at all."He agreed with what I was saying."I know, I believe I just got a bad coughing problem but it will get better. I will be fine. Eric, I can't rest. I have to get back to work, so I can make sure you and your siblings will have better. You understand? " Yes Daddy."

So my daddy have gotten worser. My dad was at the studio one time and he had a asthma attack so bad that he had to go to the clinic because his inhalers were out. They released him out that night and he seemed normal like nothing was wrong with him. So the next time he was in the studio, BG Knockoutt was waiting on my dad to rap his verse on one of the songs for his album Straight off the Streets of Muthaphukkin Compton 1&2. Knockout went to go see what was taking so long for my dad to come rap and he found him on the floor wheezing and sweating like crazy. They took him to the hospital which was the same day he was diagnosed with Aids. His T-Cell account was 14. Back then I didn't know what a T-Cell account was. On that day, I was at home watching TV and then my grandmother came and said that we finna go see your father and he was in the hospital. It didn't really take an affect on me because I just wanted to see my daddy because he wanted to see me. So when we were on the way to the hospital, my grandma already knew what he had because he told her. My dad was very sad about him having Aids. The doctor said he had months to live. Tomica told me that my daddy was crying so much. I wished I was there when he was crying so I could of comforted him but i didn't understand how fatal the disease was. My dad condition was announced but I didn't watch it because I was at school. My grandmother told me that my dad had what Magic Johnson has and how he couldn't get his blood or sweat on anybody. I said " but grandma, that's my daddy. My bestfriend. I not scared to touch my daddy." Eric, baby I know how much you love your daddy. Just be careful because I don't want you sick." I didn't understand how fatal the disease was, I didn't care at that time because I was only 10 years old going at 11. Once we made it there, my sister Erica was there and my sister Erin. Derrick was coming later. Only a 3 people can be up in the room. I saw Ren and Yella there too, they were crying but I didn't understand at the time why they were crying. I thought my dad was going to be fine. Me and my grandmother went in first. When I walked in, my dad looked sad but when he saw me, his face lit up.I came and gave him a hug. He just couldn't kiss me. So i asked him how is he feeling and what's wrong but he said nothing. I knew he was lying because he didn't want me to know about his condition. So my granny left the room and it was just me and him. " Dad what's wrong with you? Why are you in the hospital?" He said "Eric it's nothing. Daddy is fine." " Daddy stop lying to me. Please just tell me the truth. Please. " My dad looked at me in the eyes trying hard not to cry but he couldn't hold the tears. He just started crying uncontrollably. I felt so bad. " Daddy, I'm sorry.... I-I didn't to make you cry". He didn't say anything he held me tightly, crying hard as he can. I felt tears coming in my eyes but I held them back because I had to stay strong. Once my dad calmed down from crying, he gained back the strength to give me the bad news. "Eric I have to tell you something okay. Now what I'm about to tell you, always remember that I love you very much and everything is going to be ok. The reason I'm telling you this is because you are the oldest, so I want you to protect your little sisters and brothers. Be strong for them . Lead them into the right path" " Daddy what's wrong?" I was literally on the verge of crying. He said these painful words to me " Eric. I am in the hospital because I am HIV/Aids positive. My body can't fight off infection because the virus is destroying my immune system which makes it weak. My T cells are very low , so if I get a cold... I could die. The doctor said that I will die soon. I'm sorry for everything, I love you so much. I want you to remember if I go tomorrow, I always gonna be there for you no matter what. Eric ..... say something." I was so hurt , shocked , scared, ...... my daddy was going to die. I couldn't do anything but cry. I said " Dad- Daddy. You are my everything, my heart, and my soul. If you die, I will forever be alone and broken. I can't imagine life without you. I don't want you to die...., I can't lose you daddy. How are going to see me play football at the NFL?, How are you going to go see me get married and have children? How are going to see Erica or Erin get married? How is Daija gonna meet you and have a relationship with you? How is Dominick gonna spend more time with you? Da-Daddy we can't lose you, I can't lose you. I already lost my Mom .... I don't want to lose my daddy too. DADDY I NEED YOU. PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME . I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING. I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO KEEP YOU ALIVE BUT PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF! PLE-PLEASE. I couldn't get my words out anymore. I was so heart broken, I just layed in his arms and cried my eyes out. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and said " it's gonna be okay "but it's not.