Everything Opposite

Chapter Eleven

Ryleigh
I made my way to sidestage and I felt my throat closing up with panic. Josh pulled me into a hug. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay. You're gonna be great,"he mumbled reassurances at me. He and Tyler went onstage a moment later. I was still shaking with fear. I didn't know how this would turn out. The lights came up. Tyler was grabbing a mic while Josh stood next to him. The fans cheered and screamed until it quickly fell silent. It was so quiet in the venue that you could hear a pin drop.

"So, as you can probably see, my hand is in a cast. Our set is still going on but obviously I am unable to play bass, piano, and ukulele,"Tyler said. The audience remained dead still, I'm not sure some were breathing as they waited with bated breath for what comes next. "So after asking around, I'm inviting one of our good friends onstage to play with us. You haven't yet met her. Be nice to her and welcome the wonderful Ryleigh Rowan Dun,"Tyler said, motioning for me to come out. It's my turn. I took a deep breath, plugging my in-ear monitors in, making sure the monitor was attached to my belt.

I gave a small wave to the audience as their roaring cheer surrounded me. I hugged Tyler and Josh before Josh went to his kit. The lights went down as the screens started to play. A stage tech passed me Tyler's bass to start Stressed Out. Tyler struggled slightly with his beanie but got it on as I started the bass intro with Josh. I listened intently to the metronome clicking into my ears. My heart pounded, adrenaline pumping through my veins. Tyler entered with the vocals as the stage lights came up but the audience remained submerged in darkness.

I tried to remember to breathe. My hands were shaking, I was gripping the bass too hard. Somehow, I finished the song and we moved on to House Of Gold then the rest of the set. I was feeling faint. A stage tech handed me a bottle of water that I sipped from quickly. Logan was giving me a thumbs up from the side of the stage. Things were starting to blur before I saw spots in my vision as my breathing picked up. Before I could stop what was happening, everything went black.

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I woke up with a headache, disoriented, and a crowd of people around me. "Ryleigh, you okay?"Josh asked worried, looking down at me. My head was in his lap, we were on a couch. My head still felt like it was spinning a little. I nodded slowly. "What happened?"I whispered. "You blacked out,"Tyler said to me. I nodded tiredly and tried to sit up to fast, making my world spin. "Woah! Easy!"Josh said, easing me up to a sitting position. I closed my eyes for a moment.

"You gonna be okay, kid?"Mark asked me. He was their tour manager. I nodded my head. "Tyler and Josh, you both have meet and greets in three minutes,"Mark said as a reminder. I could tell Josh didn't want to leave me. "I'll be fine,"I said. "Hey, Brendon, can you stay in here for a bit?"Josh asked him. "Sure thing,"Brendon said. Josh and Tyler got up and Brendon took Josh's seat. I leaned my head against his shoulder as Brendon sang Golden Days lightly to me and I dozed off again.

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******TRIGGER WARNING*****

I woke up hours later, less disoriented, in my bunk. I pulled my phone out and squinted at the time. It was a little after five in the morning. My phone had been blowing up. I unlocked it and opened up Twitter. As I scrolled through, I came across a post.

"Ryleigh Dun should kill herself. She's a waste of time and space. She thought she had talent but if you saw her on stage tonight then you know it isn't true. I wonder why Tyler and Josh keep her around anyway besides keeping up appearances" 

I felt my eyes getting watery against my will. This is what I wanted to avoid. It's why I've never wanted to be onstage in the first place. I quickly crawled out of my bunk. I wanted a way out. People have always been judgemental and I'm just done. I ran to the bathroom, not taking note of anything but my need to feel something other than the darkness inside of me. I was tired of fighting my demons. It was suffocating. I didn't want to feel anymore.

I closed the bathroom door and slid the lock into place. I looked in the mirror at my knotted, tangled hair. My eyes were red and swollen. I looked down at the faded white and pink lines lining my wrists. I shouldn't do it. What about Josh and my other siblings? What about my biological dad? I closed my eyes, wishing for a new face. When I opened them, I still remained.

I saw all of the flaws they couldn't see. I saw the way my ribs poked out a little as you got to my small abdomen. I couldn't gain weight and skipping meals didn't help but I couldn't help it anymore. I was so small that it felt easy to disappear. I saw every mark on my body. No matter who said they loved me and no matter what they said they loved about me, all I could see was the things that I hated. I was done. I punched the mirror, not knowing my own strength. It shattered into a million tiny, glittering pieces. I didn't feel the cuts on my hand, didn't notice the blood.

I dug through the draws, looking for an old friend. There were none. I cried out in frustration. I found one of the razors used to shave my legs. I slammed it hard across the counter three times before it broke apart. I grabbed a blade and sat down against the wall. A loud knocking sounded on the bathroom door but I couldn't make out the words being said as I focused on the blade.

I lifted it, dragging it from my wrist to below my elbow before doing it on the other arm. I slumped over into a pile of my own blood. I saw the glittering glass but found I didn't have the strength to move. My arms felt heavy. My whole body felt heavy. I was so tired. A piece of hair fell in my face but I didn't move it. "I'm sorry,"I thought as I let my eyes close and I drifted away.

A/N: Hey y'all! Life has been crazy. I've been feeling really down again, school isn't helping any. I've been so self conscious too. I'm trying to find the positives it's just hard sometimes.

To be clear, this story is far from over. There is plenty more to come, I just had to get my emotions out. This is the way I do that, I write about it. I hope you all are doing well. When do you start school? Major shout out to JacobAlexannderConne for always having my back, I love you.

Another shout out to all of you reading my books and commenting and voting it never fails to make me smile, thanks for sticking with me. Also anyone hear of Lewis Capaldi? Cause I'm digging it. Next chapter up soon. Sorry this is long. Much love!

B