Everything Opposite

Chapter Thirty Five

Trigger warning

Ryleigh
Awsten cheered excitedly as he and Geoff high fived. Awsten excitedly grabbed my hand and began trying to pull me behind him. Otto pushed Clarity's stroller. I was in shock at what was happening. I barely heard Awsten rambling. "Stop. Please. Awsten, I have to call Josh first. He needs to know, okay?"I said. Awsten nodded, slightly calmer. I pulled my phone out and dialed my brother's familiar number.

"Hello?"Josh asked. "Hey, uh, so you're not gonna believe this,"I said. "What? What's wrong? Are you hurt?"Josh asked, panicked. "No, nothing like that. I ran into Awsten, Geoff, and Otto on my walk around town. They needed someone to open last minute for their Columbus show tonight and they asked me and I said yes,"I explained quickly. The line fell silent for a few moments. "Josh?"I asked. "I'll be there to watch. So will our siblings and Tyler and Jenna and our parents, I'll let them all know. I love you. Have fun,"Josh said quickly and hung up.

Butterflies swelled in my stomach. "How big is this arena?"I asked Geoff. "It seats 22,000,"he said, nonchalantly looking at his phone. I nodded. I felt an itch at my arms, one that I haven't felt in awhile. I scratched lightly at it, trying to fill the urge. I tried to not be noticeable to the guys. Luckily they were too caught up in leading me to the venue to notice.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty relaxed. I just hung out backstage with the guys and even played bass for them which they decided last minute for me to do for the show. I was so excited. Yet, a deeper part of me knew reality was gonna crash down and leave me wanting to die. The burning never stopped in my wrists, not until I satisfied the urge.

I was on the edge of a deep cliff. Doing so would be something I don't know if I can come back from. I had Clarity but in that moment I figured she would be better off without me. I'm such a mess. How can I be a good mother when I can't keep my shit together? I know life keeps knowing me down. Life is unfair. Bad things always happen to the best of people but right now I want nothing more than to give up. To pretend that people didn't care. To go back to that night on the bridge. To go back to the night before they found me.

"Ryleigh?"Otto was waving a hand in front of my face. I jumped back into reality. "Josh is here. He took Clarity out to the bus for a nap,"he informed me, taking a seat on the couch. I couldn't help but let the tears well and spill over. He was at my side in an instant, wrapping me up into a tight hug. I sobbed. I hated feeling this way. I knew the thoughts were wrong, yet there was nothing to stop me from thinking. There was nothing to stop my mind. Nothing to stop feeling, sometimes I wished for numbness.

*********

Otto and I sat in my dressing room for a long time. I leaned into his side, he had an arm wrapped around me. The tearstains were long gone. I was dressed in my concert clothes. The show was in two hours. They'd ordered food but old habits die hard. I couldn't make the nausea stop. I don't know if it was from skipping meals to eating regular meals or if it was getting super sick again. I couldn't make myself eat. Awsten entered our dressing room, surprisingly quiet.

He took a seat across from me. "Will you please eat for me? Just something small. I can't let you go out there until you eat something,"Awsten begged, his eyes also teary. I grabbed the smallest slice of pizza I could and took a bite. I left the crust behind. "Happy?"I snapped but instantly felt bad at the hurt flashing behind his eyes.

"I'm sorry,"I mumbled. "It's okay. Anyways, I have a surprise,"Awsten said, back to his cheery self. I raised an eyebrow then the door flew open. Logan, Jack, and Alex appeared. Logan and Jack were currently a couple. I ran and hugged them, throwing my arms around the three. "Hey, hey, Ry Row. Don't you go crying on me,"Jack joked and Alex ruffled my hair. "What are you doing here?"I asked, shock obvious in my voice. "We wouldn't miss this show for the world,"Alex said. "I'll play piano, guitar, and drums if you want,"Logan offered. I wrapped my best friend up in another hug. I nodded my head in response.

*******

We stood in my dressing room. It was about fifteen minutes till showtime. "Hey, Ry, can I ask you a serious question?"Logan asked. "What's up, Lo?"I asked, sitting on the couch and sipping from my water. "Who was the guys that kidnapped you?"Logan asked. I froze, panicked for a moment. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "My dad and the man who had you before Brendon,"I said, barely at a whisper. Logan just threw her arms around me, tears in her eyes to match my own.

We were being called to the stage. I was nervous even though I had been up here dozens of times before. What caught my eye was the men in suits sidestage. They weren't security or crew. I tried to take my mind off it as I focused on the adrenaline in my veins and the fans before me. Every lyric flowed freely, every emotion on high alert.

I stepped off stage, grabbing a towel and water bottle from a crew member. I wiped my face and slid the towel around my neck. I gave Logan a sweaty hug. She was as sweaty as me. I took a long swig of water, giving Logan the bottle after for a sip. The band after us was playing then I'd go back out with the Parx boys. "Ryleigh Dun?"a man in suit asked. I grabbed Logan's hand for support. I nodded.

"Hi, we represent Hopeless Records. That was an amazing performance you gave. We would like for you to continue on this tour as the opener. We'd also love for you to write an album. It doesn't have to be on tour but it can be after if you'd like. I know you have a daughter according to Awsten. We'd also like to send you on your own tour when the album in complete,"the man said.

My eyes widened in shock and I looked to Logan. "I accept, only if Logan Urie is allowed to be in on this if and when she pleases,"I answered before thinking about the words from my mouth. "Absolutely. I'll have contracts drawn up for you both tomorrow. Congratulations to you both,"the man said and walked away down the hall. Logan and I squealed as we hugged tightly.

A/N: Hey y'all! I'm so sorry I took so long updating. These last two weeks have been really hard on me. 2020 has had no mercy on me. 3 people in my family have died. One I didn't know well, she was around but that's it. The other happened Monday but I can't attend the funeral Friday which upsets me because I was close to her and I feel I should. On top of that my mom lost her job so I'm helping her with applications and her resume.

My choir teacher is punishing me (he says it's not punishment but it is) for having to work the night of a performance. Like sorry it's the only one I've missed because y'all didn't give reminders. My grandma is declining, she just got a walker. I've had too many breakdowns to count, I've cried a lot. I've really cried these last few days. My boyfriend came to me yesterday and one of our friends from his school tried to take his life and is now in a mental institution. I'm still super worried about my friend.

Suicide is not the ANSWER! Please, please, please go to someone. Get help. Come to me even. Just don't take your own life. I hate thinking about what almost happened to my friend. I had no idea. It's totally gutted me. Someone out there cares about you. Please don't give up, okay? I love y'all.

So basically my life has fallen apart in the last few weeks. It's been hard and stressful. Everything I've known has changed. I just want y'all to be in the know with what's going on. Updates might be more spaced out right now just because I don't have time and I'm stressed out. Senior year is kicking my ass. But I thank y'all for sticking with me. I'm sorry this chapter is so sad but it helped me to get my emotions out. This chapter is longer than normal. I'm also sorry this is a long authors note but I wanted to let you guys know that if I'm not updating as often as I used to that I'm under incredible pressure right now. This book will continue to be updated so please hang in there with me. I love y'all so much! 

Much love!
B