It's like needles pricking your skin, yet not in the tender almost soothing scratch of a tattoo. This hurts. It stings. It's agony.
It's worse than a thousand and one nasty comments on a video you were really proud of. Everyone tearing you down. People spitting "they don't care anymore" or "they're not funny" or "they're trying too hard" when all you really wanted was to make someone smile.
It's hell. It's heartbreak. And, yes, people who write about how bad it is, people who say it's like your heart is splitting in two, they're not wrong. They might even be understating it a little.
It had started like any other day had lately. Meeting up with Emma to grab a coffee, heading back to her house to hang out for a little before you had to go home to shoot next week's video with Grayson. She had been a little quieter than usual today. There was less enthusiasm in the hello kiss she had given you, darker bags under her eyes this morning. You had figured she was just stressed about a new video idea or something. You weren't really worried. If she wanted to talk to you about it, she would. You knew her well enough to know she didn't love anyone prying into her thoughts and feelings unless she mentioned it first.
She had been leaning against her counter and you were sitting on one of the chairs she had at her dining room table. Your iced coffee was halfway to your mouth for another sip when you heard her let out a sigh, causing your eyes to flick up to hers.
"So.... I've been wanting to talk to you about something," she had began, your eyebrows furrowing slightly at her soft, serious tone.
"I've been thinking and... I just think we both need a little space right now. Um... I don't know.... It's all a little too much. I'm really sorry but... yeah. I don't know. You know I love you, but it's not working right now," Emma had said. She had stumbled her way through the words, barely able to make eye contact, fiddling with the lock bracelet she wore instead. The bracelet you had gotten her, along with the silver lock around her neck.
Her words had barely even registered with you because they seemed so unreal. Wait what? You slowly set your coffee back on her counter while they sunk in.
"Em... what? Are you serious? Things are fine, we're good—"
"No, I know, Ethan. We're fine, but we're not great and lately I'm just feeling like... like I need a little space. Everything's too much, people have been seeing us out together and speculating and... and that dumb video just..."
She was talking about the stupid paparazzi video that had sent hundreds of their fans into a frenzy after it was released. Emma's "not yet" had almost singlehandedly flipped their world upside down. It was the beginning of them not being so secretive, so careful about hiding, about sneaking around, not posting each other on social media... or so Ethan had thought. The two words had sent his heart soaring, mind racing with possibilities. Thoughts of what they could do, what they would show, how he would be able to tell everyone how much he loved her and there would be no repercussions.
But for Emma... it had started a shake inside her. A feeling of uneasiness. Stress and pressure, everyone watching them, their every move. She had yelled out "not yet" in a moment of stupidity and nervousness. Why the hell was there even paparazzi outside of goddamn Soul Cycle of all places? This had never happened to her before. And she'd most definitely never been put on the spot about her relationship before. It had always been a pattern of hide, avoid, don't give anything away.
Not yet! For the last two weeks those words had been haunting her every fucking thought. Slowly strangling her.
But of course Ethan didn't know this. Around him, she had kept her emotions under control. Smiling, laughing, kissing, everything normal. So of course this was a surprise to him. But to her, it was all she'd been thinking about for days.
