"So I hope one day you find it in yourself to stop caring so much about what other people think."
Those were the words that had been replaying themselves over and over in Emma's head for the last three hours. Three hours since all of the emotions she had been feeling lately had finally came tumbling out. Three hours since the end of probably one of the greatest things she'd ever had. Or so she thought. Categorizing it as one of the "greatest things" when she'd felt so fucking shitty about it lately probably didn't really make sense.
And she didn't even know why she felt shitty about it. Her and Ethan had been doing great. They'd finally gotten back to where they were before his dad's passing and she hadn't seen anything getting in their way. Until that dumb video and all of the shit that came from it.
She knew it was just a video. A stupid interview where they'd caught her and Ethan off guard and she'd made a nervous, jittery, adrenaline-fueled spilling of words that had apparently been enough to "confirm" the infamous "Ethma" as people called them. She didn't really think she confirmed anything, but the public was saying otherwise. And it was eating her alive.
Ethan didn't know, of course, because he rarely had to endure any sort of hate or scathing comment that came from it. Nobody really seemed to be putting him down for being in a relationship with her, but, jeez, apparently the thought of Emma being in a relationship with him was downright repulsing to some people. Over the last week she had spent hours looking at comments, reading people's Twitter pages, scrolling through the comments on her own Instagram photos, searching for all of the negativity even though she knew she shouldn't. It had gotten to her. Of fucking course it had gotten to her. Thousands of comments of people telling you that you don't deserve the person you love, you're not funny, you're too skinny, you're ugly and annoying and unreliable and trying to hard and not worthy of a Dolan twin and everything else would do that to anyone.
So she did the only thing her body and mind naturally knew how to do and she shut down. Blocking out her emotions had become one of her specialities over the years, and this instance was no exception. She'd grabbed coffee with Ethan a few times and tried to ignore anyone who held up an iPhone while they were around, clearly taking a photo or video for everyone to see. She would move away from him a bit, stop smiling at him so much, ask if they could leave and go back to her place soon because she wasn't feeling that great. She'd smile and throw up a peace sign when someone asked for a photo with her, but she always made sure that her and Ethan always took them separately. Not like the fans wouldn't realize that they were together when the photos happened, but... she was trying her hardest to keep something hidden that really couldn't hide. Ethan didn't really seem to notice anything off about her, and if he did, he didn't ask. And she knew the only reason he wouldn't ask would be because she's told him not to in the past. She's always said that if she wants to talk about something then she'll talk about it and if she doesn't.. well, just leave it be. Emotions are hard for the both of them. They understand each other on that one.
The tipping point had probably been when she'd agreed to grab a coffee with Ethan and one of his best friend's from Jersey. He'd recently moved to LA, Ethan had told her, and he really wanted Emma to meet him.
"It's important to me that you meet him.. but I mean, only if you want to. I don't know if that's too much pressure, but I promise he's pretty chill. He's just important to me and so are you, of course, so I.. I really want you guys to meet. Just coffee at Philz and that's it. Super casual."
She'd easily agreed with a kiss to Ethan's lips and her arms wrapping around his body. But her happy, carefree demeanor about being deemed special and worthy enough to meet another one of Ethan's hometown friends had came quickly crashing down. It was another photo, another post on Twitter, another day of everyone knowing they were together— and this time the reaction was tenfold, because apparently the fans had figured out that Emma was meeting one of Ethan's Jersey friends. And, in the eyes of their fans, that was a big step. That was a definite serious relationship move. And like, yeah, it was. But Emma didn't want everyone knowing that. She just wanted to keep some things to herself. It was out of a need for some sort of privacy in her life— her crazy life that had been turned upside down, and although she's so grateful for it and wouldn't give it up for the world, it sometimes shakes her to her core.
She'd fought hard to keep her and Ethan's relationship private because it meant so much to her. She didn't want the public eye and the prying people to ruin it, but it seemed like lately neither her or Ethan didn't have to go as far as posting an Instagram picture together or announcing "hey we're together!" on Twitter, because people could already tell. It was out of her control and it was beginning to drive her insane.
The feelings came on fast and when they hit she couldn't shut them out. You're moving too fast, this is all too much, you need to take a step back and breathe for a second her brain at shouted at her. But why? She was having so much fun with Ethan and she loved him. Because you're not cut out for this and everyone hates you for being with him and you need space and you need to slow down and you need...
Her brain was a never-ending, whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, feelings and she couldn't stop them. Fuck anxiety and fuck depression and fuck all of the things they make you do and say and feel. She had been doing so good lately and she was so proud of herself for it and now it was being all taken away over some comments online and her own sense of loss of privacy.
But when her mind got going, there was no way to stop it. So she did what she felt like she needed to do and she pulled the plug and stuttered out word after word to Ethan the next day about how they should take some time apart, she wasn't happy, she didn't want to be with him right now.... Bullshit.
All of it was bullshit and she fought through tears the whole time. That is, until, he spat those words at her.
"So I hope one day you find it in yourself to stop caring so much about what other people think."
Again and again they replayed around in her endlessly spinning head. She'd cried about it at first, but now it had turned into a dull, angry ache. How the fuck could he say such a thing to her? When he knew the amount of hate she got, what she dealt with on a daily basis, the things people who didn't even know her would say...
Well then, fuck him. Despite the fact that he'd been in the public eye for much longer than her, she was almost positive that he wouldn't last a day in her shoes.
She'd angrily wiped some of the tears off her face with the sleeve of her oversized sweatshirt, one she'd grabbed off the end of her bed and thrown on after their fight. Glancing down she realized it was orange and it was even larger than she thought, and oh shit.. it was Ethan's. One she'd basically stolen from him after he left it over at her apartment one too many times. She was struck with the sudden urge to rip it off her body and throw it out the goddamn window. But for now, she resisted.
emma: hey remember how elle mill's invited me to her 21st party tn?
It didn't take long for the reply to roll in.
amanda: yeah.... you said you didn't want to go though. right?
emma: i think i changed my mind. i need to get out of my apartment. wanna go?
Drinking and partying wasn't Emma's usual scene, but at this particular moment she was feeling like she wanted that. She wanted to do something different, something fun, something stupid to take her mind off the sadness and anger she was feeling right now and this seemed like the perfect way.
She'd gotten the invitation from Elle a few weeks ago and she'd hung it on her fridge as a reminder, but she'd had no intention of going. Elle was her friend though. They weren't necessarily close, but Elle had been there for Emma at the beginning of her Youtube career and Emma considered her a good, genuine person. Despite her not RSVPing or whatever, she was positive Elle wouldn't mind her showing up last minute. And she'd probably be too drunk to notice anyway, to be honest.
amanda: i'm in.
So when the text came through and Emma read it, she immediately let out a deep breath. She lightly slapped her cheeks a few times after wiping them with her sleeves and forced herself out of bed. Hiding her emotions was something she was good at, and tonight would be no different. Despite the cracked, broken feeling in her chest she would show the world that she was having fun. That there was nothing wrong. She was doing great.
a/n: i haven't written creatively in a while so this has been pretty therapeutic tbh i forgot how much fun it is to write and just get lost in it... not really sure where i'm going with this yet, but stay tuned! thanks to anyone who's reading <3
