Emma was doing okay. She wasn't doing great or amazing, but she also wasn't doing awful and letting heartbreak succumb her. The only time she would ever get close was at night when she was lying alone in her bed, thoughts to herself. She would listen to the faint noise of L.A. traffic outside her window, trying not to let her mind wander back to the person she didn't want to be thinking about, but it always would.
She'd remedied this by inviting Amanda to sleep over a bit more than usual. When Amanda couldn't stay, she'd watch Youtube videos until she could barely keep her eyes open or listen to podcasts so that she had something to stay focused on. She had filled her days with numerous activities— more beach days, interviews, photoshoots, SoulCycle, anything she could think of so that she would stay occupied.
From an outsider's perspective, she seemed fine. She didn't look or act like someone who had just gone through a break up or lost someone they loved. On the inside she felt differently, but she was getting pretty good at hiding it.
As hard as she tried to forget about him, she couldn't deny that she did miss him. She missed his presence. His safe, comforting, warm presence. And she missed their coffee dates and their SoulCycle trips and their sleepovers. She missed his hugs. She missed the way his long, lean arms would wrap around her and envelope her in a grip so tight it was like he never wanted to let go. And she didn't want him to either.
She missed his laugh and she missed his smile. She missed all the good stuff about him and she even missed all the bad stuff too, because that's what made him who he was. She missed just about everything.
She could tell herself that she was doing okay, but there was something gone. A puzzle piece she didn't have anymore, but one that she needed. It was vital to the final outcome. It was him.
Despite all the craziness that came with their relationship, the speculations, the careful steps they had to take in order not to be caught... when she really thought about it, it all seemed worth it. It was worth it because she went through it with Ethan by her side. And she loved him so fucking much.
But how the fuck was she supposed to say that and magically win him back when that had been her argument for breaking up in the first place? She'd told him she couldn't handle the crazy anymore and that she'd needed space from him. That she wasn't happy and that it was all too much.
And while it had been true at the time, as days passed she seemed to realize that maybe she just freaked out a little. That if she just sat down and talked things out with him, none of this would've happened. Instead, at the first sign of chaos she had jumped ship.
So it was all a pretty fucked up situation, in her opinion.
——
It was the night of Olivia's birthday party and Emma was meeting everyone at a beach house to celebrate. Olivia, Amanda and a few other friends had been there all day, drinking, laying out on a boat and celebrating, but Emma had some work stuff to do first. When she'd arrived with cupcakes for Olivia in hand, everyone had been well past the state of tipsy. Olivia had enveloped her in a big bear hug, slurring how happy she was that she'd finally came. Amanda had quickly shoved a glass of some sort of liquid into her hand and demanded she drink it to catch up with everyone else.
So she had. It didn't taste awful and she had Ubered there anyway, so why not?
Laying in bed later that night alone, mind spinning and phone in hand, she'd quickly realized the answer to that question. Why not? Well, Emma, probably because it made you do stupid things. Things you'd definitely regret in the morning.
hi
She had sent the one word text so fast she had barely let herself think about it. She hadn't even hesitated. She wanted to talk to him, so she'd texted him. Simple as that.
