Emma hadn't been expecting the conversation to get so serious so fast. Or like, she had because she'd known there were so many things that needed to be talked about, but apparently she hadn't been prepared for it.
Because now Ethan was talking about their last conversation and bringing up painful memories and words she'd desperately tried to forget, and she was hurting all over again. Despite how much she'd tried to convince herself that she was fine these past few weeks, by rehashing everything again now, she'd realized that maybe she wasn't so good after all. Everything still hurt. She was still upset about the way they'd left off and how he'd treated her that day. She was maybe even a little angry, too.
But when he had reached to her and grabbed onto her hand, all of those feelings seemed to disappear for a moment. His hand had been warm and slightly clammy— she could tell the conversation was making him just as nervous and uncomfortable as it was making her.
His thumb had started stroking her skin just a little and she knew by the way he had kept talking quickly that he wasn't even aware he was doing it. It was happening out of habit from the thousand and one times he'd held her hand like this before.
Something about that motion seemed to subside a bit of discomfort in her and she had found herself letting out a deep breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding.
"I can't say that I forgive you entirely because it really did hurt me, but I do hear what you're saying. I know you can't go back and undo it, but the fact that you're admitting that you wish you could and that you know you did something wrong helps a lot. It makes me feel like you do care about my feelings... I know you do care about my feelings. So. I forgive you for the most part," she'd whispered after a second, finally glancing away from their entwined hands and looking up to meet his gaze. She'd given him a tiny, reassuring smile to try and quell some of the angst and uncertainty written in his eyes.
"And I'm not completely blame free, either. I know I hurt you too. I was the one who got us into this whole mess," she'd added after a second, biting down on her bottom lip as she watched his reaction.
His face seemed to twist a bit as his smile turned swiftly into a frown, eyebrows pulling in together and his gaze falling from hers.
"Yeah. I was a little hurt," he'd said after a beat of silence, keeping his gaze down onto where your hands still were.
"A little?" she'd asked quietly, still watching him closely.
There'd been a longer pause, the only sound that could be heard being the soft whooshing of her air conditioner in the background and faint horn honks outside. It had seemed to stretch on for almost a minute before he'd finally let out a breathy sigh and lifted his eyes back to hers.
"Maybe a lot. I just.. I wasn't expecting it at all and... you seemed to be able to just drop us so quickly. To be able to push me away so easily. It was.. it was pretty fucking shitty, Emma. Especially when I was in the mindset that we were doing so good. I thought we were on the same page. So it would've been nice to hear that you were feeling differently and maybe we could've talked about it before you just sprung that on me," he'd said, voice steady as he kept his eyes locked with hers.
"I know," she'd mumbled after a moment, biting down harshly on her bottom lip again. She'd been biting down so roughly that she'd felt like the skin could break, but it was all she could do to try and stop it from quivering. She couldn't cry again, not now when this part was her fault and she needed to take responsibility for what she'd done.
"I shouldn't have done that. I should've told you what was going on with me, but.. sometimes expressing my emotions to other people is hard for me. You know that. So I just reacted in the only way I know how to and I pushed you away. It seemed like the easiest thing to do, but... it was so stupid of me. I regretted it the second the words were out of my mouth. I was going to try and take it all back and tell you that I was being stupid, but then you'd said those things and... I guess I just let my anger get the best of me then. I'd let you walk out and I didn't chase you because I was mad. And I was also heartbroken that you had talked to me like that, but.. that's beside the point because, in the beginning, this whole thing was my fault. We would never be here in this shitty situation if it wasn't for me."
