spring day. | choen

day three.

Chase felt exhausted from their little trip to coney island the day before. Though, it wasn't the normal kind of exhaustion everyone else would probably be feeling. Chase felt overworked, overwhelmed, as if he had just pushed all his limits, crossed every line and took several huge steps out of his comfort zone. Chase had a headache. His chest hurt, he was sweating, crying, shaking. He felt horrible.

The raven haired boy was laying in Noen's arms, holding him closely and securely as he was singing the boy a soothing song to make him relax and hopefully feel better.

It was always a blessing for Chase to listen to Noen's voice. Wether the boy was just ranting about his day, or singing calm songs to him when he needed it, which was the case right now. Chase fell in love with his boyfriend's gentle voice over and over again, to a point where his heart was bursting out of love for the older male.

Successfully, the boys eyes stopped watering, his weak body relaxing to the sound of Noen's soft voice, resting closer into his touch as he gathered up some strength to move.

"Baby." Noen whispered, running a hand through his lovers messy hair. "My pretty baby.. You should probably eat something."

But Chase refused. He felt sick in his guts, knowing that he would be throwing up the moment something edible touched his lips.

The latter sighed. "But.. You need to, how else are you planning on feeling better? Chase, you've lost so much weight, it's so unhealthy.. God, Bub.. I mean, look at you, you look so.."

"Ugly? Disgusting?" Chase cut the male off, eventually shifting away from the boy a little. "Dead?"

Saying that out loud hit different. He knew he looked dead, he was aware he would be soon. If only Noen knew and showed some more mercy to the boy.

"That's not what i was going to say.." Noen mumbled, pulling his boyfriend back into his tight grip.

Chase knew, the boy meant no harm. Of course his boyfriend was overwhelmed by this situation. Chase constantly felt sick, needed to be taken care of, and Noen was the one to deal with it, suck all of it up.

But it would be over soon. Chase wouldn't be a bother for Noen anymore. There were only 7 days left of this bittersweet tragedy.

And even though sometimes Chase thought, that Noen would be better off without him, he wished he didn't have to leave his lover alone.

Maybe if Chase was gone, the latter would find someone else. Maybe he would find another man to be happy with, that would treat him the way Chase did. Maybe one day, he would even forget about the relationship they had, and just move on with his life like it never happened, like Chase never existed. Choen never existed.

"Chase? Baby? Hey.." Noen was shaking the boy out of his thoughts that he lost himself in. "Are you okay? You just drifted away for a second." Chase nodded. "Are you sure?" He nodded again. "Can you sing another song for me, please?" the younger asked, his head resting on the shorter boy's shoulder, as he was drifting into relaxation. "Of course." Noen smiled.

Chase was aware of Noen's obsession with Billie Eilish. He would always sing her songs to him, and it would sound so admirably beautiful. Yet six feet under hit different when you knew you would be dead soon.

He tried to ignore the lyrics, and focus on his boyfriend's voice. His soft voice. His amazing vocals. His pretty giggles in between. God. So beautiful. So. Beautiful.

"Blow away, like smoke in air. How can you die carelessly?"

Nothing. Silence.

Chase stopped breathing, stopped shifting around. Stopped making a single noise. And then,

Chase screamed. Screamed out in pain. "Stop stop, please stop! Please! Stop!" There was no way to understand how the kid went from deep relaxation to having a panic attack in less than a few seconds, but it happened and it terrified Noen.

"I'm such a fucking wreck, Noen! Please.. please.."

Chase started to cry again, his body was shaking again. Just that he didn't seem exhausted and tired, but genuinely freaked out now. Noen wasn't quite sure what to do, this had never happened before, and it was so unbelievably sudden. "Baby, what are you saying-" "Shut up! You don't understand me, Noen.. You don't.. don't understand.." It broke Noen's heart to see his boyfriend sob like this, it stung so deeply. "Chase.."

"Do you want me to die? Do you want me dead? I'm such a fucking burden! I'm a disgusting fuck up that you have to deal with all the fucking time.. You want me dead, don't you?" Chase was by now probably hyperventilating. He couldn't breathe properly, his back started to ache so badly. He started to sweat, screaming the pain out of his soul. And Noen had no idea how to handle this situation. He was staring at his boyfriend in shock, completely terrified.

"I want to die, Noen.." Those words cut deeper than anything his boyfriend had ever said. It pained Noen so much, he had to check wether there wasn't actually someone pressing a knife into his chest. And now, the boy started to cry too. Silently, but bitterly.

"I would never want you dead, Chase. I beg you, don't ever say that again.." The boys grip tightened around Chase's trembling body. "You're the love of my life, Chase. How could i ever want you to be anywhere but next to me?" He attempted to calm the latter down, whispering "i love you" into his ear repeatedly, before eventually getting the boy to calm down. "I love you, forever."

Chase allowed his body to calm down, taking his boyfriend's words to heart. He eventually drifted to sleep, during to the exhaustion everything that happened just caused.

Noen continued to sob silently as he let the weak boy fall asleep in his arms, hoping that he would wake up feeling better.

i can't help but wonder,
if our grave was watered by the rain..
would roses bloom?
could roses bloom,
again?

hay ! im sorry for the late update djskkf.
i rlly don't know what to write honestly
like i have some ideas for like, the 7th
chapter but i need to come up with some
random shit til i get there yeaa disjd.
anyways, be prepared for some hot tea
and definitely a buunch of tears. from u
and from choen !

since we're at it, i'm kinda active on ig so
@benshuddy ! follow me there if you'd like <3

also thank u for 1k reads this story literally sucks i don't understand how u guys can like it but JDOWNFJF im super heckin glad u do <3

kisses