𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄─𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐤𝐞¹ (𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠)

71. remembrance

The next time my eyes opened it was in a panic. My eyes shot open as I struggled to breath. Warm tears fell down my cheeks, landing on the pillow beneath me.

I had had a dream-a nightmare- about my brother. One minute he was there and the next he was gone.

I laid still for a moment, trying to convince myself that all of this had been a nightmare, that the events of the past few hours had been conjured up by my imagination. However, as I looked over at a sleeping Bellamy beside me, I knew it had all been real.

A shaky breath escaped my lips as I slowly sat up, wiping the tears from my face as I reached for my boots. I silently slipped them on, standing from the bed and heading for the exit, being sure not to wake Bellamy.

As I stepped outside I was met with silence. It was the middle of the night, everyone was asleep save for a handful of guards that patrolled the perimeter, still on edge due to the Grounder camp that was still stationed outside our walls. My brother might be dead, but that didn't mean we were safe from war.

A shiver ran through my body as I walked through camp, heading towards the part of the gate Raven had rigged so we could get in and out.

I could feel my heart breaking all over again as I caught sight of the pole where Finn had died-where he had been killed.

I quickly averted my eyes back to the ground as I rounded the corner of the Ark, putting me out of sight from everything. Pushing my back up against the cool metal, a sob escaped my lips. I couldn't do this. I couldn't walk through this camp every day and see the place my brother died-I knew sooner or later it would truly break me.

---

By the time the sun began to rise, I had barely moved. I had stayed, seated on the ground on the far side of camp, staring into the forest. I had planned on leaving camp, walking as far as I could into the dense woods, maybe never coming back. But I couldn't force myself to move at all. I was so drained that I had just sat there for hours, by myself, alone.

Camp was already bustling with activity when I heard my name being frantically called. I knew I should have gotten up, walked into the middle of camp and stopped the search, but once again I couldn't.

I stayed seated against the Ark, my eyes locked on the forest as the calling of my name continued. I recognized one of the voices as Bellamy, the others and Octavia and Raven. I knew they must have been worried, but I could not convince myself to care.

Whether I cared or not, I could not stop myself from being found. It was Octavia who found me. She rounded the corner, her eyes that were ablaze with concern instantly morphed into sympathy at the sight of me.

"Aves." She whispered, her voice dripping with sadness as she slid down the outside of the Ark so that she was seated beside me. I reminded me of the day when Finn had been stabbed and the two of us had sat together in the drop ship. I had told her how I couldn't lose him, that I didn't know what I would do if I did.

Now, I had to face the reality that he was gone, had to figure out what I was going to do.

Bellamy and Raven were still calling my name, however Octavia didn't alert them to where I was. Instead, she took a hold of my hand. "We were worried about you." she whispered. When I didn't respond, she continued, "Bellamy said he woke up and you were gone- we didn't know where you went."

This time I answered. My voice was hoarse from too many hours of crying, and not enough hours of sleep, "I couldn't sleep."

My best friend nodded, "I get that."

I opened my mouth to say more, but tears started flowing instead of words. Tears pooled in Octavia's eyes as she pulled me towards her, wrapping me in a hug, "It's okay, Aves. You don't have to say anything" she soothed.

---

We stayed like that for what felt like hours, but was really only a matter of minutes. We were only interrupted when the sound of footsteps approached us. Without even looking up, I knew who it was.

He didn't say anything for a moment, just looked down at the two of us. I could feel Octavia mouth something to her brother, and I assumed he mouthed something back. But without saying any audible words, I could hear his footsteps moving away from us. Soon after, Raven's calling of my name stopped.

It was then that Octavia shifted slightly, causing me to lift my head and look at her. She gave me a sad smile, "They're leaving soon." she whispered.

I nodded, slowly pushing myself up to my feet. My muscles ached as my bones cracked, sore from sitting for so long.

Octavia scrambled up after me, eager to stop me before I went any further, "You don't have to go Avery. Everyone will understand."

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I faced my best friend, "I have to-for Finn." I answered, brushing off the dirt from the pants. Octavia watched me intently, not saying anything right away.

When she did speak, her voice was soft, "Okay." she conceded, wrapping her arm around me as we walked back through camp, "I'll be with you the entire way."

---

30 minutes later, a group of us, along with several Grounders were headed towards the place my brother would be put to rest. I knew this wasn't going to be how I wanted my brother to be put to peace, but this was the best I was going to get.

Grounders surrounded up from the front and the back. Some were on horses, others walking. My brother was being pulled on a trailer near the front. Raven sat on the trailer with his body, her face cast towards the ground.

Although I had sat with my brother's body for hours the previous evening, I could not bring myself to do so today. I stayed near the back, by Lincoln and Octavia, my eyes set forward as I tried to avoid the fact that the Commander's presence was looming behind me. She rode high on a horse, directly trailing me. As far as I was concerned, she was the root of all evil, the reason for my brother's death.

I watched with a set jaw as Clarke and Bellamy exchanged words. I know Clarke had her reasons, but it didn't make it any easier for me to see her after what she did.

Octavia noticed my stares as gave me a small smile, "You okay?' she asked, pulling my attention towards her instead. Lincoln looked over at me as well, his eyes cast with sympathy.

I nodded, kicking at a stone by my feet, "Yeah." I whispered, trying to avoid concerning my best friend, "I'm okay."

Abby and Kane who were walking ahead of us both turned slightly, giving me small smiles. I know that everyone was trying to show support, solidarity, but at the same time I remembered the fact that they had let my brother die. They hadn't fought for him. And now I had to live with that fact. I had to see them everyday and try to push aside the anger I felt. At the end of the day, they were still my people.

It wasn't going to be easy, accepting that these were the people I had to rely on, but it was something I knew I had to try and do.