Ciel X Alois【Lasting Love】

〖♡ Eleven ♡〗( ciels chapter )

WARNING ⚠️ : this chapter may be TRIGGERING for some readers , if you are suicidal please click out the chapter.

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ciel's pov :

i slammed the door shut , it hurt ... my insides hurt , all of them .. slapping alois didn't made me feel good it made me feel miserable .. the anger inside me can't be controlled , that's what my aunt taught me , i have to let the anger all out , but she said it would make the submissives excited . i didn't see alois like that , he was sad he was angry , everything i must be feeling .

i tried to look brave in front of everyone even alois , it is my job to make him fear me and not make a mistake against me it's all what aunt said , in the dominant , i should be the one to make the rules .

but honestly .. i can't keep pretending to be brave , alois already sees me like a bad guy , everyone does . the world hates me , but the only person my heart wished to be with until i grow old , hates me..

his tears , his strong grip and the way he spoke to me .. it all broke me apart no matter if i don't show it .
i lost everything .

i went to the bathroom and slid down on the wall , i could not hold it in any longer .. it was slowly eating me alive . my body began to tremble, my chest was feeling so heavy it was painful to breathe , tears began to fill my eyes , i couldn't help but think about all the damage i've done to him .

when i first met alois , i was intrigued by his beauty , he was unique , he was perfect in my eyes .
i could imagine myself being happy for the rest of my life like i was so happy when i met him .
i thought we would live happily ever after , but how i imagined things they became the opposite . i let my aunt get in my head , i have been treating alois like shit and i wasn't aware of it til now .

because of the news ... my heart shattered that moment he told me the child he's carrying isn't mine but my brother's . what killed me inside more is that he thinks of me like a cold blooded killer .

i spend my whole life doing these things for aunt that i got so used to it , hoping that alois would help me out of it but the truth is , he was .. he tried his best until he gave up because i wouldn't stop and if only addiction didn't fucking exist this all wouldn't feel like a drug .

that's why he fell in love with shieru , my brother who has no experience with my aunt , helped alois out of my dangerous hands , these bloody hands ... all because i was an obedient shy fucking kid.. i lost the one person who could have made my world complete .

i began to tremble more and picked up the razor blade on the counter the tears in my eyes made it hard to see .

" i'm a monster.." i placed the blade onto my wrist i could feel the sharp pointy object on my skin . i didn't fear the thing , i want to feel the pain , receive the pain i've put on alois .
i rested my head back staring at the ceiling letting my other hand slit my wrist , it wasn't just one , it wasn't two .. it kept going with the voices in my head .

" i ruined his life !"
" he doesn't love me.."
" everything is my fault "
" i'm worthless "
" the world doesn't need me"
" my life will never get better. i will never be able to escape ... i'm a prisoner in this world."

i sobbed when i felt the horrible pain kick in, a pain you wouldn't want to feel but you can't believe this shit exists and is endurable if you're strong enough , it's the worst you can go through in life .

i glanced down at my arm all covered in blood with 20 or more open wounds visible .

i deserve this . i should be the one dead not shieru ... alois needs him .. not me .. the world needs him .. not me ..
i deserve to die what else should i keep living for when i got nothing left .
alois doesn't need me anymore , i'm only bringing pain to him ... i sobbed loudly , that thought ... that thought really made sense , he's not smiling when he's around me anymore , he's not happy anymore , he's not in love with me anymore...

this is the first time i've felt so much pain in my life... for one person.. i've never experienced this but it's okay to be upset , it's okay to be sad , it's okay to feel alive .. but it's not okay to suffer . and i made alois suffer too much .. i deserve everything i get . i'm a fucking disappointment .

i stopped cutting and dropped the bloody razor on the floor .

alois is better off without me and that wish will come true .

he will be freed.