Shadows of My Past

Chapter 19

The note stared at me in mockery. I ripped it in half, and then ripped it again. I tore it into pieces too small for me to grasp. They fell to the floor, leaving them there to disappear on their own.

"It just never ends, does it?" I choked back my tears.

I couldn't cry anymore. There wasn't any point. If I let myself cry, it would prove I'm weak.

Trying to overdose?

Now they know I have no self-control.

The room suddenly dropped 30 degrees, and chills spread up my arms and legs. My breathing hitched as I violently started shaking.

"Phoebe," Clay began to panic. "Phoebe calm down, it's okay."

The monitor next to me started beeping, signaling that my heart beat wasn't normal.

I could feel myself hyperventilating now.

"Phoebe please relax, please it's okay," he climbed into bed with me and pulled me onto him. "You're going to be alright, love."

My body was still convulsing; I couldn't seem to calm myself down.

I closed my eyes and rested myself on Clay. Focusing on one thing, I chose his breathing. His heart beat was slow and comforting; it distracted me, slowed my thoughts. The sound of my own breathing began to fade as I dissolved into his. Eventually the monitor became quiet, and everything was still.

I must've had an anxiety attack once again. I hadn't realized I was squeezing Clay's hand until a muffled whimper escaped his mouth.

"Oh, sorry," I attempted to let go, but he grasped a hold of it again.

We stayed like that for a while; me wrapped in his arms. I was afraid of having another breakdown.

And I sure as hell didn't need the doctors sending me to a mental hospital to me keep me sane.

Again I concentrated on Clay's breathing, hypnotized by the steady rhythm.

I must've dozed off, because when I finally opened my eyes, Clay was gone.

Replaced by Damian.

I rubbed my eyes. He was still there. I sat up on my elbows, our eyes locking. Silence fell over us. Neither one of us knew where to start or what should be said.

"Hey." was muttered simultaneously.

"When did you get here?" I questioned.

"20 minutes ago. I didn't want to wake you... figured you needed sleep."

"Yea... I guess you're right."

"Yea."

He looked down at his lap. I wanted so much to hold him, to kiss him, and to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But at the moment, I had no idea where we stood.

I chewed on my lip anxiously, waiting for him to speak again.

Damian looked back at me, eyes glossy.

Oh god, I thought. Please don't cry.

"Why would you do it, Phoebe? I saved your life 5 years ago, for the same reason. You made me promise to try, and I expected you to do the same. But you didn't. How could you?"

"Damian," my fingers reached for his hand, but he tore it away.

And in that moment, I knew, that the Damian who saved me 5 years ago, was gone.

He stood from the bedside and began pacing back and forth, white-knuckled and fuming.

The rage in his eyes was intimidating. One after another he spat out sentences as if already rehearsed dozens of times.

"You hypocrite. You talk about sticking together as a family when you're off making not only the decisions of everyone else, but even different decisions for your self. "

He slams his hand against the trays next to the monitor, clashing them together.

"How could you just leave? Without any thought at all about the consequences. How could you just leave me and Clay? And what about Ava? That child idolizes you, and you fucking try to kill yourself. "

His voice begins to rise and he repeatedly pounds his fist against the hospital bed. Eyes now stare through the glass door, witnessing the scene; a nurse summons for help.

"You selfish bitch. I gave everything for you. I gave my life up to run away with you. Our plan was to start over. Together And you just bailed on me. But it was your plan all along, wasn't it? I was never a major player, I was just the tag-along. Well guess what. I forfit your damn little game."

And just before security grips hold of his body, I feel the overwhelming force of his hand slash across my face.

I was struck breathless, writhing from the pain and trying to regain my focus.

The room soon became quiet again. Everyone, including Damian, shocked by his violence towards me.

Hurt soon replaced anger in his eyes as the two large men began to carry him out of the hospital.

But he made no effort to fight against them. His limp body was dragged farther out of my sight. And then the room was empty.

I was alone, once again. Still trying to comprehend the scene that was placed before me so briefly ago. I caressed my knees in my chest and rocked back and forth.

I let my emotions flood over me in an instant; I screamed, I whimpered, I cried all at the same time.

Until finally, there was nothing left but silence.

"Goodbye Damian."